Guilt throwing out partner

[Merseymum1980]

Partner and I have had bad two years, hes cheated, done silly jobs and Chasing get rich scheme or nor worked, doesn't help in the house.
We agreed to seperate and him leave on the 13th September
It didn't end up happening and he has been all nicey since but still hasn't helped with house work.
I got in at 9 last night read,bathed and snuggled my son.
Then at 1030pm I had to finishe dishes that he left and start tea. I was mad and tired.
I asked him to help peel potatoes and he said he could not due to tooth ache. Id been up since 6am at this point.
He then started saying he might go stay with a relative because I nag and he feels like a burden to me. I actually would like him to leave in all honesty.
I explained that I ask for help amd I don't get it he just plays computer games. I nastily told him to grow up.
Every time we have a disagreement he threatens to leave, but the last two times I have actually wanted him to leave and not begged him to sort things out.
Im thinking of having a chat with him and asking him to go tommorow whilst
My child is at school.
I feel Really really guilty as he doesn't have much money and had a bad childhood. Ive asked him.for 2 years to get a job and help in house. Im 45 now and im.bored of wasting my breath. We have been together 5 years. But he started all this crap two and half years ago when I found out he cheated.
I really want him to leave so I can heal and concentrate on my child.
I just can't seem to put a stop to this guilt. Has anyone had this kind of guilt complex.
He gambles when he occasionally has money amd to put into context I havent had a great childhood either. Ive parented my mum step dad,dad and sis. I would like to look after me a little now and obviously my child

what passwords are you worried about? If he has your banking/credit card passwords, change them immediately!

Get rid of him. I sadly ended up with one like yours in my younger years, thankfully no children together, although his two sons lived with him full-time. He did work, until he got fired, cheated (multiple times), left me to parent his children and didn't lift a finger in the house. You are with an immature man-child. In your case, why should he work if you're paying the bills? There's no incentive. After 4 years I left, I realised I was wasting my years with him and actually he was using me, he didn't love me, I was convenient. You are in the same position - a man who loves you doesn't cheat, wants to work and to do his fair share around the home (after all he lives there too). Ask him to leave. His finances and childhood are not your responsibility. He's a grown adult and needs to start to behave like one. The best thing I ever did was leave my ex, it was incredibly hard to leave his children, but ultimately a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. You will feel relief once he's gone. I cut my ex off completely.

Ive just changed my banking.
He set my sons devices up using his email ive realised.
Going to workout how to do that.
My phone app,im going to go to the shop today as I currently pay his phone too so need to find out the situation re that as its in my name.
Thank you for your support everyone.
Will update soon as got loads to sort plus work things and the big thing to explain to my ds after school, he has been with my parents this weekend just in case it kicked off whilst leaving etc.
Thank you everyone

Cancel the phone

You're doing great! Keep thinking of and sorting out the practical stuff (passwords, locks, bag his clothes, etc etc) and ask for support and advice here and irl. Try to tell your anxiety to fuck off as much as you can (I have generalised anxiety so know that is super, super, super hard to deal with, and some days I find it can help a bit to tell it to fuck off because I need to function - doesn't 100% work of course, but it feels good to swear at it 😆).
Keep going forward, you can do this! He won't be in the streets, and if he does end up there, it is his own doing, not yours. Don't shoulder his threats of suicide or self harm, these are manipulative tactics as he's trying to stay and parasite your home (if he was truly suicidal abd struggling, it would have come up in daily life, not conveniently when you're taking control back over your life).

Yes he said he wanted to raise my son (i ignored that).Unfortunately my ex lost some one very very close to him (can't say who as it would be outing) but it was extremely tragic circumstances and he started bringing that up . This is what seemed to trigger his personality change but ive tried to help and made Dr appointments which he didn't attend.
I had to pretend to him that his words didnt affect and I just said im sorry about all that but its no longer my concern (It did play on my heart but I tried not to let it show).
That's when he resorted to insults about my weight and forehead(ive never given my forehead any thoughts so that's a new one, I have a big nose and some crooked teeth but never noticed a forehead issue but hey ho), anyway the forehead thing kind of amused me and reality checked me in the fact he is immature.
Im so glad I posted here as someone asked me if id taken my son on holiday in last few years and I realised I hadnt due to money
Plus someone reminded me id started a thread two years ago which was eye opening

I’ll get flamed for saying this, but if he was good to your son and your son loves him, maybe you could still facilitate occasional contact between them? Maybe ask a relative of yours to facilitate it?

He resorted to blackmail and insults.
This is all you need to know.
With your DS explain it simply that some people are just not very good at caring about other people. That he was not very kind to you.

Well done OP, as a lone parent of 15 years I can tell you life is way more peaceful without these kind of men in them.

He was in a lot of ways, he really got on.
I was thinking of just letting things blow over a bit first as my ex is really angry I have ended it, then taking stock

You've done really well. Hold firm, do not waiver!!

Well done for holding firm OP. It can be so easy to just drift on in these situations. That was obviously really difficult for you but you will feel much better in time - even if right now you feel a bit overwhelmed.
The wake up call could well be a trigger for change in your ex too as he was also drifting.
Focus on the practical things you have identified and allow yourself to breathe in the sense of freedom. Don’t waver and let him come back. Well done for being strong. 💐

I feel really really guilty as he doesn't have much money and had a bad childhood

Unfortunately my ex lost some one very very close to him

I mean those things are sad and all - nothing wrong with feeling slightly sorry for him on those counts - however there are loads of sad or damaged people in the world that have had hard lives or had bad things happen to them. You don't owe them all a relationship or for them to all live in your house.

Ultimately we all need to deal with our baggage and be a decent person to those around us. He has not been a good partner for ages. That doesn't mean he has no redeeming features. But on balance, sadly, he is not a good partner for you and you are doing the right thing.

I'd be wary of keeping a relationship with your son as I'd be very worried you'll get sucked back in if he's sad, he has nowhere to go that night, etc etc.

How truly infantile to suddenly invent new insults about your appearance. It's horrible when you suddenly realise that this jerk has always been a jerk, only for some reason you never saw it before. I think you've turned a corner, OP - well done!
Even if you were to take him back, the writing is on the wall: this guy is absolutely no good to himself or anyone else. You've seen the loser for what he is.

I cannot believe someone is advising this. This man insulted the op when asked to leave, and has used emotional blackmail on her by using her son and his own mental health issues. Is this really somewhere you want anywhere near your son? not to mention all the other stuff he has put op through over the years. If allowed access he will abuse op via her son, and can even turn him against her.

@Merseymum1980 really advise you not to expose your son to this man any longer. Your son needs you to protect him from abusive men like your ex.

He’s not a partner he sounds like your second child !! He needs cutting off! If he’s refusing to go call the police and get a restraining order if he’s being emotionally abusive. He’s treating you like his mother! He’s literally had a free ride !

Don’t facilitate contact he will use your DS against you.

Well done it must have been really difficult, but now you can enjoy getting rid of the heavy load 💐

Don’t continue contact, it will give him a way back in and will be really confusing for your son. Please ignore the PP’s suggestion that you have occasional contact, it is a truly terrible idea.

Delighted he is gone, bloody manchild. His past is not your problem. No idea how you got into the situation you did but glad you are out of it. Focus on you and your child now and do not engage with this person further.

Why would this be a good idea? So this man can teach her son how to abuse his Mum? He is an immature man child whose parting gift was to insult her appearance. Imagine what sort of spite he will be spewing if he gets another chance.

If you've taken a phone contract out in your name but for your exes use, then you may find you are liable for the continued cost of it, until the contract ends. Once the contract ends, or if it's already ended, you can stop payments, and stop it from being renewed. If you still have to pay the contract, make sure there are blocks on him going over any limits. If you have an online account for the contract, make sure you change any email/passwords, so only you can access it. Change your locks on your home. Hold firm. You have absolutely made the right choice. Of course your son and your ex got on, your ex is immature and probably relates more to him, than you!!

Use a password manager. It will prompt you to secure all your accounts and the passwords it suggests are not guessable.

"you've got a big forehead"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Was that really the best he could come up with?!
He's done you a favour really, showing just how immature and spiteful he really is.

When the guilt feelings come - can you try to tell yourself something along these lines -
It's natural for me to feel sorry for him, because he's a human being who has suffered.
However - that doesn't mean it's my responsibility to make his life easier or try to "fix" him. That's way above my pay grade.
My only responsibility is to myself and my son.

If you have a faith in any religion or Higher Power, you could also try praying for him, and "handing him over" to the care of that Power.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

Well done op. Sounded like a difficult split but do not go back now. Bag all his stuff up. Change those passwords, change the locks, cancel that phone contract. If you get on with neighbours maybe tell them the situation so they can flag if hes seen hanging around. If theres any talk of suicide, call police for a welfare check. Id also suggest cutting all contact with him and son. Look how immature he has been in his comments etc. he could influence your son going forward. Onwards and upwards! Enjoy your peaceful house x

Don't be so stupid.

Your son has seen your boyfriend no working, kicking around the house paid for entirely by you, doing squat all housework and sitting on his arse gaming.

What kind of an example is that

maybe think about his role in your son’s life like that rather than rose tinted specs