Please give me hope to end relationship

[Merseymum1980]

Hi all ,I'm new to the site.
I really am just looking for hope from someone who has done this and got through the other side please !
I'm a 43 year old mum of one and I want to end my relationship, my oh has cheated with an escort, he keeps gambling, he won't get a proper Job saying he isn't a 9 to 5 kinda guy, just does uber eats etc, he is quite selfish. Now I feel he is getting involved with a dodgy guy locally.
He doesn't help in the house and Is moody when he looses money.
I really want him to leave, I'm sick of it.
I'm just so scared and I'm not sure why

I know he wouldn't hurt me physically but I'm scared il be lonely and never love again .
I'm overweight but I do have a good job.
I just feel his behaviour is affecting the family and me as a mum.
Has anyone been in similar situations and got through it plus been happier

It sounds like the decision to leave is a good one.

You need a plan. Do you have children? Where will you go? Address the practicalities.

The tenancy Is In my name, I have a 7 year old child but he isn't the father.
My little one really cares about him.
We have been together 3 years and my son has known him.2 years.
It's more the emotional side that I'm worried about rather than the practicalities.
I'm scared of the emotional pain x

I've asked him to leave in the past and he says because he has no job and a gambling habit that he has no where to go.
He blames a lot on his bad childhood

To be honest OP you’d have to be braver to stay in my opinion.

Put it this way, you don’t love him (appreciate you may care about him and you have shared history but you’re not IN LOVE with him). So if you leave and then “never find love again” - honestly so what? You’ll still be much happier alone than you are lonely in this rubbish relationship.

You don’t love him, he’s useless, doesn’t contribute and brings nothing to the table. The question is why would you ever think being alone is worse than that?

Yea you’d be alone but you’d be free of a massive emotional drain and also your child would have a much healthier and happier childhood with a happy mum.

it is scary ending a relationship sometimes but I think you need to be more scared of staying in it than leaving. Your 40s are the best years, time to reclaim them!

Visualise your future.

With a partner who contributes to the household equally.
He doesn't sound like a catch and you can't be responsible for his past.
The thing about relationships is you need to be in a good place personally before you have a good chance of making a relationship work.

@Merseymum1980 Whilst your son might like your partner, do you really want him as a role model to your son? In a few years your son will be a teen and he will think your partners behaviour is "normal".

If you can't end this unhealthy relationship for yourself, do it for your son.

You can do this OP! I am also 43 and I split from my husband earlier this year. We have two kids together who are very much daddy's boys.

Sort out the practical stuff first. Tell him to leave and leave him to deal with his shit himself. Work out if you would be entitled to any Universal Credit etc. Sorting out the practical stuff got me through most of it in the early days.

Five months on, I am happier now. I do get lonely. But I am no more lonely now on my own than I was in my marriage. I feel free now the weight of my ex has been lifted and I am able to focus on myself. I'm finding the good stuff snowballs and I'm gradually piece by piece feeling better about myself. Take time to be single and alone and work on yourself. Read up on codependency and healthy boundaries.

You can do this.

I know he wouldn't hurt me physically but I'm scared il be lonely and never love again .

Have a real think about why this is the worst outcome. Worse than dating a gambling-addicted, workshy nobber. And having that in your home with your child, who is listening and looking and learning.

It would be far better to be alone.

My kids have also adapted brilliantly. Mainly because my ex and I have been on the same page with the split. We have always told our the kids that the split was positive, so they see it as that. We are honest with our kids. It is sad to split, but we are both happier separated and we talk to the kids about that. Your kids will be fine.

It's probably fear of the unknown OP. Sounds as though this man is bringing nothing to the relationship and I suspect when you're free of him you'll feel a whole lot better after a short while, as you'll have none of the worry of him cheating, gambling, not working, being moody etc.

Him having nowhere to go is not your concern and you don't have to keep housing him just because he can't get his act together. He can go rent a room somewhere, or kip on a friend's sofa for a while if necessary. If his name isn't in the tenancy then he has no rights to stay there.

It may be painful at first, most break-ups are, but you WILL get over it. Your son does not need this person as a role model, so you'll be doing him a favour too.

Thank you everyone for giving your honest opnions and encouragement.
It's the fact of the potential impact on my child in the future that's really pushing me to make a decision to end it.
I feel so guilty about making my partner homeless but the situation is getting worse.
He has totally changed since he was made redundant at the end of the covid on off lockdowns, I've tried my best to support and encourage him but his actions are getting worse. He won't go to the doctors and blames the escort incident and gambling on depression .
It's mentally draining and I'm trying my best to put a brave front on for xmas for my child.

I guess I'm.just looking to hear some hope from people who are in a better place and have got through it in the past or similar

You really need to get rid of him and I would do it this side of Christmas.
You say you feel guilty for making him homeless - do you think he feels guilty for taking you for an absolute ride?
He sounds like an awful man and an awful role model for your son. I wouldn't want him anywhere near my child.

It's better to be 'alone' than badly accompanied.

Honestly get out, there are support groups you can find which will help

I know everyone is right. I think I just kind of wanted to hear someone who had been in a similar situation ended it and got through the other side. To give me hope

He must have lived somewhere before he moved in with you. By not contributing he is stealing from your child,

Yes, I've made that tough decision, many years ago, and never regretted it for a second.

When you feel sorry for him, or worry about your own love life, remind yourself - which is more important, that or your children's wellbeing?

If your children are more important to you than him, you need to get him to leave.
If your children are more important than your own love life, you need to get him to leave.

And finally, being single is 10000 x better than being with a lazy, selfish, cock-loding, disrespectful man. It possible to be single and happy, very possible.

Even if you never met another man in your life, you'd still be much better off without him.

Thankyou, it gives me hope a couple of people have got through the other side