The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

[Tagullah]

Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

I think parents have always had adult kids that get to a certain age and who think it's perfectly okay to be smug judgemental nit pickers about their older parents lifestyle choices😁
It's just their stage in life, they are the adults now and need to think they are adulting in a better more superior way than their parents did.
They will realise its the circle of life when their adult kids start making snide comments about them on whatever version of Mumsnet is around at the time.

It's retirement.
If you don't have a hobby that keeps you in touch with the real world and people outside of your bubble, you quickly become insular and latch onto some really weird things.

Well, I’m in my 60s and don’t really recognise these behaviours (but maybe I’m in denial?)

That sounds very young to be so insular. I would associate that sort of thing with people much older. My dad was 87 when he died and just beginning to lose the habit of reading the newspapers and keeping up with world affairs and had lots of online hobby groups.

Social media has a lot to answer for. My parents (mid 70s) have always been Conservatives, but quite liberal in thought and politically nuanced. They're both extremely intelligent people but I notice the way they talk about 'wokeness' and other stuff and think they're getting a bit more easily convinced by what they read in the Telegraph, although they are generally otherwise always a they were.

I am aware I am going to age myself, and I do know other people in their 60’s who are not like this, but they aren’t our parents, so perhaps the shock of the changes is not as obvious. I only have our parents as a reference point.

I would love for them to have any lifestyle and wouldn’t judge them but their ‘lifestyle’ is mostly spamming us with memes, photos and links all day and talking about characters on TV as if they are real and believing everything they read online is real

Most folk get like that as they age

Mine are not like this with politics and social media but I do find them extremely hard to relate to. They don’t seem to have any memory of the realities of juggling work and kids and are constantly surprised that I don’t have the time for endless phone calls and visits. I find it so strange that they can’t seem to sympathise or understand that not everyone is retired. My Mum just likes to monologue about her own interests and friends and struggles to show genuine interest in others.

There comes a time when you have to accept that your parents can’t always be who you want them to be.

@Boonooelf this is also very obvious

it’s even small things ok, so DH’s parents won’t use their oven anymore because of the cost of gas, and just eat convenience foods instead which are far more expensive. DH recalls them never ever doing this his whole life until the last 5 years and says they always loved home cooking. They even just use the oven as a storage box now. And they are not elderly, they are in their 60’s!

They also go on holiday together, but they spend the whole holiday calling everyone on the phone instead of enjoying the trip

I am a parent in my 60s and I am not like that. Sounds as though their lives have got too small OP.

I’m 66 and hopefully not like that! I like to keep busy and stimulated but I am guilty of scrolling through my phone occasionally. I think some older people just get old before their time if they don’t make the effort maintain their lifestyle. I go the the gym twice a week, go out with friends a couple of times a week on shopping trips, walks or lunch dates. Still cut the grass and maintain my garden Son still at home and we get on well and help each other and my daughter calls or rings every week. I feel like I’m living my best life and would hate to vegetate and have nothing to do

It’s sad that they have such intense phone addictions, must be frustrating for you.
Mine are a bit more analogue. They still have normal tv (no streaming). One of the things my mum likes to do is tell me every little detail of the tv show she is watching. I wouldn’t mind if it were a summary but it’s every single detail!

These sound like people in their 80s, not their 60s to be honest. I don't think it's so much to do with their age, as their lack of engagement with the outside world and other people. It's downright sad that your mum decided to be housebound in her 60s - not all of us are adventurers or dare devils but it's a hell of a young age to retreat into an armchair

My parents are in their 70s and have definitely become more self absorbed as the years have gone on. They really only talk about themselves and the grandkids. It's very wearing and difficult to listen to - they repeat the same stories too. My dad in particular doesn't have conversations, he gives lectures!

I recognise some of what you say not my Dad so much as he is still quite active but my Mum is pretty much housebound now due to poor health and sits online all day or watching news or crime shows and it affects her negatively. To be honest I know people in their 30's who are also obsessed by news cycles.

I do notice my mum isn't that interested in what I have to say most of the time, we had a big once in a lifetime trip recently somewhere exciting and she was more interested in talking about Trump that hearing even some very brief highlights of our trip. To be fair to her her health is poor and I think she just lacks the band width to focus or care much about things that don't affect her personally except for the stuff she engages with on the screen day to day. I notice that if I call her she is never in the mood to chat anymore and will quickly pass me on to my father or say she needs to go, I've even wondered if it's her hearing? If she calls me she is more up for a chat but to tell me her news if I start sharing my news she suddenly needs to go. It's fine but just sad I suppose that we don't have that connection anymore we used to.

I do think that people lose self awareness and get more self absorbed as they age. I've also noticed that my Aunts aren't quite who I thought they were when I was younger or at least they have changed into people I'm not sure I really like that much. My MIL is still lovely and she is almost 80 so it isn't universal.

They sound isolated and like their mental status is deteriorating a bit due to that social isolation.

Tell them to stop spamming your phones with garbage, you're both busy working parents.

None of our parents have any self awareness anymore. If you were to pop round and said I am just popping over I don’t have long, I’ve been at work/kids need me to pick them up/I can stay 30 mins they would find every single way to keep you trapped in their house for as long as possible whilst you are sweating, stressing and losing your mind at the pointless chat. Sometimes its felt like I am in the Stephen King horror novel, Misery

I am trying to make some light of it but it is sad. It’s a lesson in how to have a good retirement and not shrink into a tiny world too soon

My parents have got like this to the extent that I am minimising seeing them because it's become unbearable. It's happened over the last couple of years and I'm not sure what has caused it other than maybe that they have a very repetitive days. 'Conversation' is just parroting right wing talking points and stories about people I don't know. Other retired family members are more socially active and have more variety to their lives and are much more enjoyable to spend time with.

Yes it is exasperating.

Mine have become incredibly right wing and it can be difficult to not react sometimes, when they start banging on about immigrants or green policies.

They have also started doing the minutiae of their village life, what all the neighbours are up to - which I remember my grandparents boring us witless with.

Have they retired?

It doesn't have to be like that. I'm in my early sixties, work full time as I can never afford to retire, and still go to punk and rock gigs 🙂

My DM is 71 and still works full time and is nothing like this. DH parents, retired barely leave a 3 miles distance from home, curtain twitch and obsess over anything - last year it was squirrels in the loft. If an appliance breaks down then god help us. It’s too much h time on their hands to think with little / any hobbies to fill the gap.

the PIL’s have semi retired but I am dreading full retirement now! They could have a comfy lifestyle but their online addictions are out of control.

My mum retired the moment she could, but then just sits indoors.

I feel I understand it more now so thanks for your inputs

My mum has gone like this, I think its a combination of leaving work, having a partner with right wing views and falling down a social media rabbit hole of groups like "made in the 50's", "the good old days" and their ilk

Despite wanting to travel abroad her whole life, and doing so once she could afford too, she's now decided she's too scared to after covid(?!) and goes to the same awful run down beach towns each year.

She's also so entitled: I constantly have to remind her to move out of peoples way, she's somehow managed to get a blue badge (a prized possession) which she uses to park outside the swimming pool where she goes and does 50 lengths or beauty spots where her and DP go on 10 mile hikes.

That said my DH's 102 year old Nan is the opposite; she's still in her own home, can tell you exactly what is going on the world, has a large circle of friends and uses an iPhone. She never misses a new shop or restaurant opening and has an amazing attitude to life. I really hope I can be like her.

My life (60) is ‘smaller’ than my adult kids’ lives. They are occasionally patronising and irritated but mostly they’re loving and affectionate towards me.

Try to be kind. Feel affection for their little quirks and silly foibles at this age. One day they will be gone. My own parents both died suddenly in their early sixties of acute illnesses. What you have is precious while you have it.

Gosh OP your parents sound just like mine!

Mine are probably just a more extreme version of their younger selves

DF always disliked socialising or even myself or my siblings going out much, he now just spends his days in front of the TV or endlessly scrolling the internet…and he’s only late 60s, he definitely needs a hobby (in my opinion)

You sound very judgemental OP. I hope you and your DH are perfect and that your kids never think you're a pair of stupid old farts.