The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

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Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

This has happened to my PIL, and I expect my parents would be similar if they were still with us.

PIL both retired in their 60s and were fairly active for the first few years - they travelled, and were both involved in a hobby that had a large social side so had a big group of friends and a social life.

They are now in their late 70s with some health issues, FIL is getting forgetful, and they can’t really take part in the hobby anymore so have lost that social connection. Their lives have got a lot smaller, and they mainly stay at home now - they watch TV and spend some time online, with a definite drift to more right-wing opinions. This started happening about 6-7 years ago, before Covid, but that made it worse.

Honestly I would show you if it wasn’t outing. The stuff MIL sends all day and night long, she must just be on her phone 24/7 it’s baffling. Half of it is that ‘missing dog in the USA’ but often it’s out of date local news - yes Debbie, this happened 2 weeks ago why sending a link now?

exactly this @LifeSurvior 😁

I don't know if my parents have changed or if my perception of them has changed. I think they've become more extreme, self-absorbed versions of themselves.

I'm 39 and my parents (separated since I was a child) are in their mid-60s.

My mum put in quite a bit of effort after my oldest child (her first grandchild) was born, but it tailed off over the years, and it's noticeably less since she met a new partner. Mum has given up work but is always going on about how busy and tired she is. That grates tbh.

My dad never made much effort and even less since I have children, doesn't accommodate them much at all. He is still working part-time but plans to retire next year. Much more interested in his own life than in us.

It's hurtful. I understand that people can change as they age, their worlds might get a bit smaller, and you need to be patient with the older generation - but my parents are not old, not yet, and I dread to think how much worse it could get.

In my 60s. My adult kids say they are so glad l never joined Facebook/ Instagram etc as they say they see such embarrassing, inane stuff people put up and they are relieved it's not me! I think social media has a lot to answer for. My own mum was well read right up to her death at 81 and interested in her large extended family.
I do keep busy and my kids are particularly encouraging to me when l exercise: gym/ walking golf etc.
But l have had enough with the cooking: l have hit a wall and do everything in my power to dodge it which means l am nearly losing my skills.

It's interesting that these insular, increasingly self involved older people often become obsessed by right wing politics.

Is it the case that these older people have lost their critical thinking skills and general knowledge of the world, and that makes them receptive to right wing news stories?

No one ever says "my parents retired and have become obsessed with the news cycle and addicted to going on the internet - and have developed VERY LIBERAL VIEWS".

Why is this? I have my own thoughts

It does happen. A lot of the Free Palestine protesters were over 60 and my dad is becoming more left wing as he ages. I think the issue here is their social isolation. I actually get quite irritated when people suggest I'll get more right wing as I age, I'm late 30s now and still no signs thank fuck!

I’m nearly 62.

I’ve got more left wing as l age. I was always pretty left wing, but now I’m hard left.

My Millennial ds calls me a radical.

Although mine were similar they very soon weren't there anymore. Now that was a bigger shock.

I know exactly what you are talking about!! My parents are quite elderly now so I have had many years of this, my friends are only getting to this stage now. It’s absolutely awful but it is the circle of life I suppose.

I totally get this OP. My mum hasn't went this way yet but my dad aged 70 (they're divorced) is retired now, barely goes out, isnt depressed but has went from being quite an interesting sort of rebellious character to someone who hardly interacts with the world. He also tends to give lectures more than have conversations. It's quite tedious. I work professionally with over 65s doing both mental health and dementia assessments and im sure it's neither of those in his case.

Weirdly, something similar happened to a lot of men I know around the age of 40. I don’t want to describe it as they stopped being kind of light and fun because some of them still are lots of fun but their personalities just shifted a little. It’s how humans age I suppose.

You could have been describing my dad here.(except he's already retired). It's sad.

My Dad is 83 and nothing like you describe. Yes he’s slowed down compared to when he was younger and still working but at 83 he’s still on his exercise bike every morning and as sharp as a tack. In fact I introduced the 19 year daughter of an old friend of mine to him recently (we all went out for Sunday lunch as she’s started at uni not too far away from where my Dad lives) and she described him as “very cool”.

(My Mum died at age 51 so sadly she wasn’t alive long enough for me to even wonder if there’s a difference as she aged).

Yup, I have this with my DM…she seemingly finds it impossible to summarise a conversation so I have to listen to every exchange. She also does the ‘I went to the hairdressers on Tuesday…was it Tuesday? No I tell a lie, it must have been Wednesday because it was raining and I’d forgotten my umbrella’ type monologues as well. She’s honestly really good for late 70s but the inane conversation sends me round the twist!

FIL is even harder work. He diverts every conversation back to his own interests, even if MIL is asking something very specific about something we’ve done. MIL might ask ‘How did you enjoy your trip to London last weekend, what did you see?’ And we get as far as ‘We popped into the British Museum and…’ and then FIL interrupts with’There’s a restaurant near the British Museum where I use to eat when I was a student. They did meat and three veg for half a crown.’ and then he’s off on his own story for the next ten minutes before MIL asks us to finish what we were saying. I find it funny. DH gets exasperated at his lack of social skills and self-absorption.

My DC know what kind of older person I want to be and they’ve had strict instructions to
inform me if I start down this path. DD will definitely not hold back if needed!!

I agree that 60-70 isn’t old, and that’s part of the concern

I also notice the shift in right wing politics my mum became more and more inappropriate as she got near the end of her career. I always recalled my mum being a staunch labour supporter, always standing up for workers rights - I feel like she taught me a lot about the plight of the working class but perhaps I am deluded I don’t know. Only to get in her mid 60’s and start complaining about ‘wokeness’ and MH conditions not being real, and voting for brexit, making alarming homophobic comments about a gay man she worked with and developing an obsession with Donald Trump. At my own birthday meal she started a debate about the boat people to people in the room who are immigrants.

MIL is veering between making sure I get her blurry screenshots of the TV from the Martin Lewis TV show (how to manage my money), panicking about war by sending me fake news and local events which happened last week

I think it was George Bernard shaw who said something like ‘a man who is not socialist at twenty has no heart; a man who is socialist at forty has no sense!’

Not totally true of course but truth in it!

It was Churchill apparently, not Bernard Shaw; apologies.

”If a man is not a socialist by the time he is 20, he has no heart. If he is not a conservative by the time he is 40, he has no brain.”

my uncle says ‘once a man and twice a child’

we call our parents ‘the toddlers’

I am inspired by the posters who say they don’t recognise this and it’s about keeping your mind open and your interests broad. This is very useful to hear, I will take it on board for my future myself thanks. Getting older doesn’t mean this automatically happens so don’t get offended, just that this is a real phenomenon!

I sometimes think Facebook was the worst thing to happen to our parents generation. I am reasonably able to determine what is real or not in the news and try to avoid interacting with social media content as much as possible (watch don’t touch) so that it doesn’t spam my algorithm with crap and I have a fairly liberal news feed for this reason I do not read right wing agenda. But I think our parents click on EVERYTHING to comment or share and this makes it worse. I know my mum is a keyboard warrior on her local groups, she’s always the first one to spread local gossip about people. PIL can’t work out what’s real or not and get all anxious

Goodness! Reading this has really depressed me. I am nearly 70, but am almost totally housebound because my health collapsed in my early 50s. I struggled to stay at work as long as I could, but eventually had to retire. I now am mostly stuck in bed using my iPad to engage with the world. I try to stay up to date with things and hope I don’t bore my adult sons too much!

I was fit and well until I suddenly wasn’t. No fault of my own.

Jeez. Mine are a few decades ahead, in delicate health with limited mobility but they are endlessly (and sometimes terrifyingly) out and about on visits to theatres, coach tours, museum trips, choir, quiz nights, concerts and lunches. They have their quirks but are thoughtful and kind and funny. To be fair my mobility aid using mum thinks teenagers are amazing - she isn’t even slightly nervous of wobbling towards big gangs of hoody wearing youths but she does say middle aged men and old people are the worst for being inconsiderate twats. In laws are not the same - twenty minutes in pigeons ruining the garden.

Your post reminded me of the time we moved house a few years ago. The ILs came to stay once we had settled in and we took them on a walk to show them around the area. We privately said afterwards that it was like taking a couple of toddlers out. MIL read the name of every shop out loud in a very loud voice as we passed each one ‘Snips the barbers’, ‘Ooh, this is Stacey’s Scrumptious Cakes’ and so on all down the road. DH had to tell FIL to come off the road and to walk on the pavement because FIL had decided the pavement was too bumpy and so he was wandering along in the road ! ‘Yes but Dad, cars come wizzing along here and you’re going to get knocked over’. It was more stressful than when I used to take out two under fours!

@GurlWithACurl of course you don’t bore your sons - it’s not being house bound (but I am sorry you are) it’s something to do with the kind of self complacency that means you would never think this thread could be relevant to you.

I have spent my entire career in adult social care. This is simply not true.