The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

[Tagullah]

Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

Sadly, you seem to have the wrong sort of parents. Hopefully you won’t inherit their annoying pattern of ageing, but if you do, you probably won’t even notice.
Perhaps they find you as tiresome as you find them.

I think that generations use of social media and related tech is to blame. They are naive and use it like children with a new toy. They don’t seem to be able to filter out false or biased news and use discretion when sharing or disseminating it. Perhaps they came from a generation where it didn’t seem feasible for news or information to not be true. It seems to have given them a voice which perhaps was always there but now there is a platform to express it. They are a dream come true for propaganda media machines. They put pictures up and narrate their lives completely unfettered. You cannot challenge them either on this as they seem to think that they are old enough to know better. I shudder when I see some comments from my parents or their friends and I always want to ask them ‘who do you think you are talking to?’ ‘Who is your audience that needs to hear this?’ It’s like social media has opened up a world for them and they now have lost any sort of social courtesy that used to exist where ‘there is a time and a place to discuss certain things’.

My mother is like this and all of us children have unfriended her on social media.

What I find difficult to see is how obsessive my mum is about small things. She will completely overthink a conversation that’s been had, or where to park for the dentist (somewhere she’s been going for decades). It’s quite challenging to have a relationship with her as I’m treading on egg shells with everything being ‘wrong’. She is obsessed with being single later in life and anything that goes wrong is all down to how hard it is being on her own (but doesn’t want a relationship, apparently). She’s 60.

Honestly I find it terrifying to watch because I don’t want to become that person, it’s like now she doesn’t have a career and family to juggle she has to funnel the worry into something else.

I sometimes wonder if it is more pronounced in families where the parents are very 'parenty' in front of the kids and not so much their natural selves?

Or just the kids left in their late teens and so really only had 10 years where they were conscious of their parents as people and during that time they were at school a lot, out with friends, etc. and the parents were maybe working and also maybe making sure they didn't discuss politics etc in front of the kids.

Then those kids have kids, return to spending more time with their parents and find out that these are two people who they didn't really know that well. Didn't really know much about their lives pre-kids, didn't sit and discuss world events in detail with them (dinner table chats being homework and birthday party planning) and realise maybe they don't share their opinions that much.

And just read your post OP about convenience foods… My mother always provided us with proper cooked meals but now when we have a get together where everyone has to bring something she brings a store bought salad which tastes synthetic. I can only put it down to her not having access to this when I was younger and now she thinks it’s great that all this convenience is out there to be consumed. No thought about the quality or taste, just that it’s great that it’s convenient.

Also, I have stopped inviting them around to my place for a cup of tea because they just sit on their phones. The joke between us siblings is who can capture as many photos of my parents sitting on their phones… in my lounge, on holiday, on a bench in Edinburgh…

We truly are the sandwich generation sitting between parents and teenagers with the same bad habits.

This is very likely to be true. In my case my parents moved abroad when I was 20 and I then joined them 5 years later but didn’t ever live with them again. I then moved back ‘home’ and my parents joined me 20 years later. I don’t think they really know me and I don’t really know them.

AHH I see the type. No I get it (sorry 😔). This is how my MIL is and it's draining, depressing and drags you down. I suspect with her she's always been like that though.

If you say your parents didn't used to be, I wonder if it's that the world around them Is changing (and we have changed so rapidly in just a couple of decades with technology etc) and it frightens them and causes them anxiety. I think a lot of older people feel fear and it comes out as moaning and ranting.

Still, it's not pleasant for you. I'd employ some distance. Nothing extreme, but limit the time you're spending with them per meet up. I think if you confront them , you'll end up the problem. They won't see this how you're seeing it.

I think it’s all about what they’re watching on their phones. I was listening to something about the older generation being the least tech savvy and most vulnerable to propaganda because they didn’t grow up with this technology and have never been taught about how unreliable it is.

They’re being brainwashed.

Trying to think of a ‘soft’ way to say this but some of the defensive replies do make me think you probably are like this. It’s that sort of self absorbed behaviour; can’t let people just have a vent, it’s got to be about me.

I can relate to the toddler like behaviour. My dad read signs out. I’d say ‘oh wow dad, we had a big meeting at work and -‘ and he’d cut in to say ‘Parker Road’ in a meaningful sort of way. I’m not sure if I was supposed to start a spirited conversation about it! Would also stop to examine every tree, leaf, stone …

I don’t think it’s ageing per se. I think it’s lack of critical thinking skills and a degree of vulnerability/isolation mixed with too much free time.

I absolutely see what you describe in MIL and in my mum. MIL has only gotten Facebook in the past year (she’s 70). She’s like a 12 year old with her first phone. She believes everything she reads, leaves inappropriate comments on things because she doesn’t think through that it’s public, etc. It’s not because she’s 70, it’s because she’s quite isolated and naive and doesn’t no how to navigate online life.

My mum (we are NC but from what I can gather) has gone very pro-Trump and down that rabbit hole. Again, she’s 75, but it’s not because of her age. It’s because she’s also quite isolated, has a controlling partner who is very far right. She was a very open minded progressive person her whole life until she met him in her later years. Now she is a very different person, has lost most of her lifelong friends, very close minded, very Fox News, conspiracy theories. It’s simply because she’s in a relationship with someone who is controlling how she thinks and doesn’t have anyone else around her to challenge the crazy.

I know plenty of very smart, thoughtful people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who are not like this. But they are the ones who stayed well connected to community, reading books, socialising, travelling, living life, not sitting at home doom scrolling and watching YouTube. It’s no different from a 15 year old doing the same, except older people have no parents to set boundaries for them around behaviour, so I think it’s very easy to get sucked down a hole if you are already vulnerable in some way.

The links to weird AI is so annoying

It’s like when we have you children we should be allowed to have a little whinge. Yes we love them more than life itself and would die for them in a heartbeat. . . But it’s ok to say watching Peppa Pig is annoying and you want to eat a whole meal without changing a nappy or someone screaming.
We can love our parents dearly and appreciate they might not have long left but also have a little whinge that it’s tough and that’s ok. No guilt trips from me!

There seems to be a lack of empathy and imagination on this thread. Of course people change as they get older, what would be the point of living and learning otherwise.

People in their 60s, 70s and 80s are going to be more (as a population and in general) conservative and more concerned with 'right wing' issues like crime and policing and immigration - they are more vulnerable (to crime, assault, fraud) and they will likely depend on others looking after them and need to know they can trust the police, the NHS etc.

Maybe older people aren't happy, clappy progressives who love and trust everyone because they've seen more of the real world and how it works and what many people are like? That generation has also seen a massive change in life and society - maybe they are done with having to keep up.

Maybe they are thinking why are people in their 30s and 40s such naive, trusting fools who go on about their kids and their work all the time and don't have an ounce of empathy for why others think and behave as they do?

I do think there's a lot of truth in what you've just said actually.

On the social media thing, I wonder if it’s because older people are generally later adopters (partly because they’re old, but also because they were busy twenty years ago), so they’re in the unfortunate sweet spot of having no immunity to it at a time when the algorithms have been perfected? We were probably just as hooked twenty years ago but it was less pervasive and annoying then.

Our kids will surely be eyerolling at what we make of AI or whatever, when we get round to it long after it became passé to them.

On right wing, yeah it’s cringe but it’s definitely better than them getting hooked on the left wing stuff. Imagine seeing your doddery parents dragged through the courts for getting caught up in the palestine stuff, you’d be livid.

If I had a penny for every time I’ve said ‘it’s not real’

😂😂😂

I was going to post exactly this point. I think they are the first generation exposed to social media and constant news that is fragmented to fit agendas, but crucially were not brought up with it so didn't developed the filters that we all require to navigate it. It also gives ways to connect with like minded who might push a bit more extreme ideas and a cycle starts of becoming more entrenched. It also means you can stay in all day and still feel that you are connecting with the outside world.
It definitely changes people as OP and others have seen.

Exactly. The mindset is that is if it’s on the internet then it has to be true because it’s on the internet. The idea that social media can manipulate information is a completely foreign idea to them.

And then ironically, they will get sucked into some sort of conspiracy and tell me I am being brainwashed and I need to be careful because the news isn’t always the news you know? When I try and explain that they are also victims of algorithms and information directed to suit a conspiracy agenda it falls on deaf ears.

And then the actual hardware tech… Do not press the call button on a WhatsApp group Mum!

I appreciate your opinion, what got me defensive was people saying I have no empathy for them or should just get over it because they could be dead. If I did not care about them I wouldn’t be trying to understand it. I don’t want to go no contact I want to be able to enjoy this times with our parents in the now. What’s become really obvious form talking to other people is that society has been focused on the impact of social media on young people and protecting them but what is clear now is what a horrible impact it’s had on this generation and how it is ruining relationships. If I can separate this from the parents it might help. It’s not their fault they have almost become radicalised so I can’t blame them and there is probably no point trying to fight against it either

My mum does this, I will start to say something and she interrupt with a random observation “look at that ugly dog”! It’s very annoying.

I try hard to be patient but it hurts. I have two teenage daughters and am currently in the trenches of dealing with all their dramas. I wonder if sometimes my mums disinterest is revenge for all my teen whining.

Wow! I am so depressed reading these comments. I’m now very worried that I might get be doing this but completely oblivious! I’m going to ask my daughter when she gets in 😬. I’m 63. I was on facebook in 2007, but I gave it up about 10 years ago. I like to think I’m well informed and not opinionated but, gosh! Maybe one of you is my daughter.

@FKAT I don’t think you are using empathy in the right context and I see this a lot, empathy thrown around as a defensive weapon

Our parents have seemingly lost their empathy and understanding for their children (and grandchildren, world around them) and we all find this confusing and are trying to understand it. I am actively seeking answers to these questions. Empathy isn’t something that just appears through thin air, especially when it is a new situation - you will need time to process and understand it. If you are older you have had more time to face these issues than I have, to me this is new ground. I find a lot of the angry defensive responses particularly un-empathetic. I understand it’s not nice to read people being so honest about how they view their parents in this way but it’s clear there is a valid concern they are vulnerable to propaganda and this has had a terrible impact on them and our relationships. I am not comfortable with just accepting right wing rhetoric into my home around my kids as if its normal and ok, so I will have to find ways to deal with this without alienating my parents

I do think Facebook and tabloids have a lot to do with this and like other people said, phone addictions. FIL will be constantly taking photos to turn into silly AI rather than actually interacting with you. If you aren’t doing this you are probably fine!

I think for me it’s the absolute and unashamed lack of interest in the person that’s come to visit or meet them ie me or grandchild. Not the other stuff that’s talked about. I don’t care about me but my daughter thinks my mum doesn’t like her. No she’s just utterly self absorbed (she always has been but as all things it gets more pronounced as one ages).

I think the fact that you are reading and reflecting and wondering if it’s you probably means it’s not!