The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

[Tagullah]

Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

Thank god for this thread ! I have spent the last year at least thinking it was just me because I don’t see this in my in laws or my friends parents. My mother in particular has changed beyond belief especially since covid. She was always a big labour supporter a very optimistic person as well I thought life and soul kind of person. She hardly leaves the house now unless it’s for shopping. Has health issues that she refuses to get any treatment for because she believes there is no point because of the waiting lists so her mobility is massively reduced. My sister has pretty much given up on her and she doesn’t get invited round there anymore. I don’t know the story because me and sister are not close and my mum refuses to talk about it 🙈. I feel like this has come alot earlier to me than it did to her with her parents.

I think from the thread it seems that it’s the content you consume that seems to have a negative impact so if you are open minded and consume lots of different interesting content and different topics, and don’t get sucked into right wing politics or even just get completely over invested obsessed by something more than is healthy (ie your neighbours), this seems unlikely to become an issue for you.

My mum is housebound but mostly of her own choice she sits in watching so much crime/drama TV or scrolling Facebook she has virtually no other topics of conversation.

I do recognise this but not really in my own parents thank goodness, and as you say they are scarily young for it. I noted slight tendencies like this in my mum in her early 80s… maybe push back a bit? Take them out more if they will come.

I can relate OP. My mum is like this as well. I just wish we knew that this is a thing so I was a bit more prepared. She is active and keeps busy but will still repeat herself a lot and doesn't really show any genuine interest in my life. She is alone so doesn't really want to hear me, more just talk at me. My mum's thing is obsessing over the latest health fad. She will obsess over spiulina or moringa, or whatever, and share links about it and they are clearly click bait videos which scream fake. I tried to gently explain not everything on the internet is true to no avail. If I say it's a fake video or criticise it in any way she gets the hump so I don't bother anymore. A lot of my relationship is nodding and agreeing.

As a previous poster mentioned, it's like having a toddler at times!

I do feel a lot of the problem is that their world often gets very small , I was discussing this with my lovely FIL who is86 and recently moved to funky Frome ( which he isactually enjoying ) his view is that friends and colleagues have died or are ga ga or beyond keeping in touch - he is yesterdays man , professional skills no longer remotely relevant - so he kind of jokes about it and keeps topped up and semi merry on decent wine and olives and cheese nibbles! Yes he’s a bit right wing on some issues but a lot of it is ignorance of the commercial world and how it works these days and being out The workplace eighteen years I tell him things and he can’t believe that this is how things work He also admits too that he now thinks Brexit is a pile of shite and was utterly falsely sold

I was thinking about this recently.

my parents are in their seventies. When I visit my mum tells me long, involved, boring stories about people I don’t know while my dad plays with his phone.

they never ask me anything. I arrive, sit down, listen, ask some questions about them, listen for a long, long time then leave.

my mum was always quite self involved and told very detailed, boring stories ( and then she said and then I said), but she used to be able to feign interest in other people! She even tells these long bring stories to the grandkids.

@Bellyblueboy I also think about this but how do they know so much about people if they show no interest in other people this baffles me 😂

I can absolutely relate to lack of interest to my life, repeating stories, conversations with a lot of unnecessary details about neighbours. My mum is in her 80s. However when I started thinking I realised that she was always like this. She was never kind, supportive, listening type, she was always right wing, she was never interested in stuff beyond basic home keeping. She was always very judgemental and she never had a normal conversation with me beyond lecturing me. It’s nothing to do with age, MIL is the same age and very different.
So I do agree that people change with age as their world is getting smaller but at the same time I think not everyone changes the same. Maybe we notice less about our parents when we are in our 20s and 30s, maybe a lot of things are there already e.g political views or not listening others.

Enjoy them whilst they're alive. These days are precious.

It seems literally a couple of years ago that my mum was early 30s, I can still picture her face clear as day. Now she's 60s. She fit and well, but who knows for how long. The years disappear very quickly, quicker than we anticipate.

Unless there's a back story and they're massive narcs (like my MIL who hates fellow women and fawns all over men ) then just let them be.

Mil does this. "I saw sandra yesterday. Do you know sandra? She works at the betting shop down phoenix road, ya know, up the high street ?"

"Err...no. no I don't "

"Well anyway (laughs, bats hand like she's having some in joke with herself) she says her dog died. Did you know her dog ? Big thing. Beethoven type. She got him from Bernard who lived up top. Above that barbers shop who Steven owned on horsey street. Right good he was. My 'usband used to go to him. Mind you I never liked him after what his neighbour Mary told me. She reckon he had an affair with her friend Lisa whilst she was pregnant with George. Mind you, she never wanted anything...ya know, stuff like that. So you can't blame him really. Poor boy. I should think he felt desperate"

(I'd know literally not one of these people)

Then she'd do another smile and titter to herself and bat her hand again. (Waiting for me to say "what?") But I stare agog. So then she says "oh dear.... "Titter titter.

I often laugh with my brother that my mum is prouder of her hairdresser’s kids than she is of us😂. She certainly knows more about them.

It used to sting a bit when she belittled my achievements then waxed lyrical about Sandra’s sister’s neighbour’s son who was doing ever so well - and you want to see his car!

So true about their worlds getting smaller. My Dad used to be a Chief inspector in the police and was responsible for a lot of people, a big budget and dealing with Christ knows how much shit on a daily basis. He was always good humoured and calm at home and just seemed to take everything in his stride.
He retired about six years ago at the age of sixty and despite apparently still having all his mental facilities he's unrecognisable to the man he was.

For example, their washing machine broke down the other day. Mum said he spent all morning ringing up different places, trying to find someone to come and have a look at it. When he finally found someone, they said they could come on Thursday morning. He said they couldn't because they go to the supermarket on a Thursday morning! This is literally pretty much the only thing they do all week! They're retired. The could go shopping anytime. Mum could easily go on her own. But no, that's when we go shopping. They now have to wait three weeks for the washing machine man when they could have had it fixed tomorrow! Unbelievable.

I’m not in contact with my parents but I do wonder what people that age are allowed to talk about. Not telly, not their friends and neighbours, not their holidays, not their illnesses, not their opinions on what’s going on in the world, not how it was in their day..

I think a lot of what you are talking about OP is not inevitable age related change, but the damaging effect of social media echo chambers on people whose lives have narrowed and who access few alternative sources of info. Since the rise of populism, the effects are more extreme and noticeable. Of course this can happen to people in their 40s too. I'm in my 60s and, rather than swapping conspiracy theories or immigration fears I'm more likely to have a conversation with my friends about younger generations not being prepared to read mainstream media and relying on social media for news. So I guess we can all succumb to seeing things we don't like through an age related lens sometimes.

Some of the behaviours you find difficult are towards you, and your title recognizes this as a change in relationship not simply a change in them. Have you thought about how your own behaviour and changing life situation has contributed to this? Perhaps they sometimes find it hard to know how to connect with you meaningfully as you have started your own family or contine to be part of a world of work they've left behind?

To give you hope, my own 91 yr old mother is mostly housebound but uses her mobile to keep up to date with genuine news, medical discoveries and fashion. She does tell me the odd tale about people I don't know, but don't we all want to share our lives with loved ones?

This isn’t really what the conversation had turned to over the thread. Many of us feel estranged from our parents as we feel like they become strangers, it’s a weird kind of mourning for the parent you thought you had whilst they become someone who doesn’t even seem to like or value you. We are making the effort with them we haven’t cut them off but they don’t appear to care about us, only themselves. It’s a one way relationship they care more about the celebrities or the gossip or the news than they do us

Whilst they are on their holiday they want to phone and video call you but not to show you the holiday just to ramble on at you for an endless time period in the same way they always do. Talking about their health ailments is inevitable and I didn’t even bring this up. You know what I don’t want to listen to? Gossip about strangers or a blow by blow account of Trumps tweets, or a full timeline of what happened in Emmerdale

@Ramblethroughthebrambles nothing much has changed for us though in 10 years or so, we have the same jobs and the same children (just who are getting older), so it’s not like DH and I have gone though a massive life change which has led to a void I agree it’s social media which isn’t helping as the parents and PILs seem to be addicted to it and see it as a source of all their knowledge

My parents retired two years ago. So far they are exactly as always - so much so dad got bored and went back to full time lorry driving after 25 years of not being a driver! Mum is busy, book groups, friend circles and volunteering. They are happy and fulfilled and remain the intelligent and open people they always were!
I’ll keep an eye out for a nosedive 😂

Thank you for saying this! My mum is same. She worked when we were little but guilt trips me about working, life has never been so expensive so I need to. If I mention anything work related she mutters about ‘not understanding why I need to work’.

Definitely social media plays a huge part, my parents and In laws believe everything they read, and they will read a headline and believe it. My dad has sent me numbers texts this week panicking about the new border biometrics that started to come in place on Sunday, the only country they travel to isn't even an affected one. But he's still ranting about the effect it will have on him!

It’s very hard to enjoy them unfortunately. We are trying our best but it’s a forced issue. I can’t remember the last time we all enjoyed a relaxed fun time.

With my mum it’s always just about us providing her with a platform to monologue at us for a few hours whilst she fills us in on all kinds of fake news and right wing topics that make us feel uncomfortable. She brought up boat people at my birthday.

PIL’s are just very intense and they argue as a couple constantly so it’s not enjoyable spending time with them

I’m sorry but trying to make me feel guilty is not really helping I don’t know how to connect with these people and it feels like my mum is a stranger, she’s not the mum I remember having as a child

I can totally relate and could have written this myself!
i do think retirement had so much to do with it, especially if like my parents life was work and home and not much else. Now they are retired they are real homebodies and they don’t have any hobbies and don’t really have any friends they see unfortunately. I realize that’s who they are and I can’t change them no matter how hard I try!

like previous posters have said, life I think can be one very insular if you’re not a naturally busy person with hobbies and people to see. It’s a character thing

Don’t get me started! Both my parents worked and with four kids they were always worried about money. You would think this would make her interested and sympathetic to the fact that I have had to take on a second job but she is completely disinterested. I don’t think my mum even knows what I do for work. She is just annoyed that I can’t give her my full attention and have many responsibilities to juggle. Its made our relationship extremely surface as I can’t go to her looking for reassurance.

And also I totally relate about it being hard to enjoy their company and how it can feel such a chore.
I so would love us to have good conversations and enjoy each others company but unfortunately their opinions and thoughts are so different it’s very difficult.
i don’t think others really appreciate that some parents make it very hard for their children to want to spend time with them and just because they are your parents doesn’t mean you are going to have a wonderful time with them! My dad increasingly criticizes me for everything ( he never used to do this) and it’s painful and upsetting to listen to and he won’t stop. Despite him being my dad and old this means I don’t want to spend much time with him!

It's not about not appreciating and wanting to enjoy them being here, they just make it hard. My parents also seem to have forgotten how to use a phone. The last time my mum rang me was 2 years in December, I have to call her regularly or I start to get passive aggressive comments from me dad about not keeping in touch!

Same!
I am early 60s -retired a few months ago and am meeting many new people (including a new boyfriend meet in RL 😂) lots of opportunities for new activities and interests. Choose friends with similar open minded outlook.

I agree with this.