The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

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Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

My parents certainly weren’t like this in their 60s. They were busy travelling, constantly going to concerts and galleries and museums and gardens, socialising etc. They were also not remotely bigoted, weren’t Daily Mail readers etc.

It’s only really in the last few years that I’ve noticed my mum changing as a person. She’s 81 now and has become less considerate of other people, eg other people in the room will be having a conversation and she’ll just start scrolling Facebook and playing video clips out loud as if we weren’t there. She also argues quite aggressively about things that happened to me, insisting that her memory is correct and I’m wrong, even though I was the one that actually experienced it. She will also say things like “When you were a baby they started talking about the MMR jab causing autism, I asked the doctor all about it before you had your vaccinations” despite the fact that a) the MMR jab didn’t exist when I was a baby and b) the whole ‘MMR causes autism’ scare story didn’t happen until I was in my early 20s. She tells me the same stories every time I see her, and will still insist on finishing the story even when I say ‘Yes, you told me this last time I was here’. We have to drive for hours to see her, and then when we arrive she will still want to continue watching whatever guff she was watching on her Sky box, as if she couldn’t possibly stop watching a three-year-old episode of Death In Paradise or a celebrity Pointless from 2018 just for a couple of hours one evening. She would never have done any of these things 10 years ago and used to get annoyed with her own parents for doing similar things.

I’m glad to say she hasn’t developed any sudden extreme political views, though. And if any of her friends start moaning about immigration or sharing scare stories or being homophobic she tells them off for reading the Daily Mail.

DP’s mum, who is 84, has suddenly started questioning Covid vaccinations and is now a climate change denier. This comes directly from listening incessantly to right-wing radio shows.

MIL has got like that, we have a muted family WhatsApp that she spams with updates about her bus route followed by the pharmacy not having her laxatives in stock to a hundred memes and news story links. She's also started turning up randomly with bags of things we really don't want like five punnets of expiring mushrooms and out of date energy bars that were very cheap and she just couldn't leave them. I just scroll through the WhatsApp once a day for key phrases like '..so I'll drop it at your house at 7am on my way to...'

Reminds me that my mother changed the spelling of my name (its a nickname that I am referred to by almost everyone) sometime in my twenties and when I corrected her she insisted that its always been that way since she was the one who named me. (Think Nicola being Nikki or Nicky)... Never mind that its my name and Im pretty sure how its always been spelt. I dug out old birthday cards from when I was 5, 7, 13 etc and lo and behold in her handwriting is my name spelt the way I know it to be.

She just will not listen to this and continues to spell my name the way she wants to now on all family groups and correspondence to me or about me. Its like she decided the other way was 'cooler' and so just changed it. So annoying.

I think people do become more self absorbed as they get older. Plus I think when you stop work you lose connection with a wide variety of people and it’s easy for your life to shrink and become pretty mundane unless you make a huge effort to maintain interests / volunteer. I see it now with my DPs in their 80s but they were not like this in their 60s and still led quite busy / fulfilling lives. 60+ is far too young to spend all day watching TV.

I think you notice different things about them as you become more involved in your own lives and families. If they're no longer working then to an extent their worlds may be smaller, with smaller irritations and some hobby horses, etc taking on greater significance for them. Mine have very different political views to ours and I've taken to shutting down those kinds of conversations as they just lead to arguments rather than healthy discussions. One of my parents just doesn't get how some things work these days with technology and has never engaged so is getting left further behind, putting pressure on the other, who does engage, to do certain things for both of them. I then get the moaning from both of them!

It's this. Also if you don't have proper morals and compassion. Youn slander, judge and make fun of people thinking noone watches or that it's OK, no Judge to give account to.

BTW, my husband was normal English man. Liberal. He got into Tommy Robinson videos and speaks now only now of that trash. About the great replacement. I'm white but foreign and these things aren't my cup of tea to listen to.

I appreciate muslim gangs rapes girls is a tragedy.. But mixing racism with this topic isn't on ....it's disgusting.

Black people were forced in this country. They aren't Muslim. Some might be, few ....

What is replacement ? In what way ....

My older sister 57 and her husband 63 are like this. They just pass around other people’s news and have very little of their own.
I used to enjoy their company but lately it’s very boring to meet them.

Yes, it absolutely often living out of fear, I think. Or NOT living, more accurately. Unchecked fear.

My parents are similar to how OP has described theirs, unfortunately. My mum has always had unacknowledged mental health issues and since my dad retired, he's been going down on that sinking ship with her: barely ever leaving the house (except to buy the odd pint of milk or to post something - but by God, don't get them started on the post office); lived in the same place for 25yrs but don't have any connections/friends within the community; always glued to phones/social media/YouTube plus getting passionate about conspiracy theories!

All these sorts of things fuel fear and isolation in different ways.

Some people on this thread have suggested that we are controlling or looking down on our parents and that we have to respect their choices... But when their lives are seemingly unconsciously driven by fear, they're notmaking conscious informed decisions for themselves - they're being swept under, almost unknowingly.

That. I'm 69 and I can't start a conversation about anything, that doesn't clearly bore one of my daughters. And she never asks me anything about me or my life. So our conversations are basically me asking about her life.

She's otherwise great, and I love her dearly and she loves me. I'd trust her with my life. But as soon as I retired it was like my life was just a bore to her.

I have quite an interesting life and meet interesting people. I travel a lot and have interesting experiences. But I can't really mention anything that relates to any of those interactions, because if she doesn't know the person or the place, it's clear that she thinks 'why are you telling me this?'

It seems to be one of those depressing things about getting older.

This is a very interesting thread, OP. So thank you. Social media has a lot to answer for when it comes to brain rot but I think there is biological decay too. I am in my 60s and I have some theories about why we change ... which may or may not be true. I think women change when their female hormones fade. If your mother was loving and nurturing when you were a child, it was partly because of her hormones. As for men, I believe it is a fact that in some aging males, the more humane parts of their brains shrink, leaving only the selfish animal bit. Obviously this does not happen to everyone and their are notable exceptions.

The most surprising shift in recent years for me has been the notion that I am now the adult in our relationship.

I think you're definitely onto something about the "isolation" thing. Mil is isolated pushes everyone away and definitely think it contributes massively to how she is.

@saraclara I’m sorry to hear this, I was wondering if anyone would come along with a similar concern, if it helps my DC do not really ask much about me either, but I do not mind it and I understand it. My older DC see me as a ‘presence’ in their lives (usually to help solve a problem) but they need me less as they get older and learn how to solve their own problems, so I will get to watch them from afar living their own lives.

I am never going to be very interesting to them and I’m not their friend. I try not to bore my DC with things they don’t know about (people/places) but find ways to connect on their level. I just know it isn’t transactional - for however many times I ask after them, I can’t expect it back, and that’s how resentment starts. They do not owe me their time or interest just because I love them and chose to have them.

Have you not ever glazed over slightly when your DD has been telling you some complex teenage friend drama? And you lose more interest when they tell you they don’t want your advice 😂 (why did you tell me all this then) I have!

It’s because we are not friends, or peers. The relationship I have with the DC is me being the nurturer. It’s my role

it only truly flips into DC nurturing the parent role when they recognise you genuinely cannot do it yourself and you need them to help. But if you flip the switch too soon to fill an emotional hole they will resent you for it. Go live your life and enjoy it you don’t need your DC’s emotional approval that you are still valued - this is what your friends are now for

I don't need the approval. I'd just prefer it if it wasn't so obvious that she's SO uninterested in me. And I'd like to have a normal to and fro conversation, adult to adult.

Have you not ever glazed over slightly when your DD has been telling you some complex teenage friend drama?

Genuinely, no. But then she's not a drama kind of person. I'm interested in everything she shares with me.

After retirement I can imagine this can happen as not the same focus on work so things like gardening become more important and topic of conversation? X

That’s really sad, I hope your daughter realises and starts to show some interest.

I’m 67 and it hasn’t happened to me or my friends. I still act like I’m in my 30’s😂

@saraclara mine have told me boring stories sometimes I try to stay interested but I just always remind myself we are not friends. My older DD has recently hurt her toe and I’ve had to look at this toe every day to reassure her it’s probably fine and this has got a bit stale dry chat over the last week or so 😂

I am a mum myself so I do understand where you are coming from but there might be another angle.

Yes a two way conversation is nice and depends on the topic, usually I just choose something neutral that isn’t about my own experience per se. A lot of the time it is just me asking them questions and getting brief answers in response so I try to remember they don’t like the same things I do, when I was their age chatting to my mum wasn’t always that fun. Also communication styles have really changed in the last 20 years! Younger people communicate very differently now. My younger DD sent me a screenshot of a song she likes with no other info - I assume she intends for me to listen to this, so I will. My friends however would say hey check out this song I like

If I go on holiday without them, they would ask me if I had a nice time to be polite, this wouldn’t be my cue to provide a monologue response about it - they actually would respond best to just see a photo. so this for me would be a cue to say holiday was great thanks, look at this lovely sunset/view, send a photo and then end it there. They will respond oh looks lovely and that’s about it. Or I share things on social media during my trip and they will view it so I know they saw it. Other peoples holidays are not really all that interesting though are they?

For longer chats usually if we go on a day out together we would talk a lot more, but day to day not so much more than very general chit chat about mundane stuff like who used up the shower gel

I'm in my early 60s and retired and don't recognise this behaviour in myself or any of my friends.

I see my children and grandchildren regularly and would never dream of foisting my opinions on any of them - not that I'm very opinionated on anything

Exactly the same thing here OP.

Degree educated mum who has lived all over the world, but when she hit 65 her personality changed. She’s now 70 and getting worse. I too get the monologues about Brenda down the road and endless moaning about the neighbours bins. She has vanished down a right wing social media hell hole and thinks Trump is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Not to mention all the sexist, racist views that now get spouted.

Very mundane things (like how to turn her new oven on, or directions to a local landmark) seem to overwhelm her. It’s heartbreaking as I remember her as an immensely capable woman who could
cross continents with me and my sibling as children. I find it really difficult to spend time with her now and don’t know what the answer is either.

I think it's inevitable. Humans have different interests at different times of their life.

My grandmother was by all accounts a lovely woman, and she wasn't racist and didn't have extreme political views, but she did develop many of the habits discussed here. My mum despaired of this, and vowed she's never be the same. But now she's 70, she's exactly the same.

Perhaps it's like a child seeing adult life as being "boring", and saying they'll won't be like that, they'll always want to play with toys and have fun. Or a late teens person saying they'll never stop going to night clubs and partying. Thats their perception at the time, but those things usually don't hold interest later in life. Its just the way it is.

it seems that it’s the content you consume that seems to have a negative impact

well that’s the same with every generation at the moment isn’t it? There’s a lot of utter dross being pumped into the brains of all the people who spend their lives on their phones, and that’s not restricted to the over 60s by any means. Whatever, I’m 68 and working full time earning a six figure salary and my dad went travelling across Australia and New Zealand in his 80s so I can’t relate. Maybe all these people were a bit dim and had low aspirations to start with and therefore lack the resources to remain engaged and interesting into retirement. My children in their late 30s and early 40s often voluntarily discuss a wide range of topics with me including career stuff and we regularly spend leisure time together. Same with my friends.

Maybe it’s their poor diet! 🤭