The weird shift that seems to happen with your parental relationship at a certain age

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Sorry for long title I didn’t know how to word this.

DH and I and all of our respective siblings have noticed that more and more, our parents seem to become people we don’t recognise anymore. They are so far from our parents as children they are like strangers. None of them seem to have dementia or a cognitive issue, but as they got into their 60’s something changed about their personality we can’t put our fingers on.

Both sets of our parents have become quite over opinionated and suffocating in their own ways. Their worlds get smaller and smaller (not through lack of opportunities) and they repeat themselves and get obsessed by small things.

My mum is obsessed by American politics so this is usually something she will talk at you about for hours (we live in the UK). She decided to retire and become housebound age 65 so she just watches TV all day and also just talks to you about what she saw on TV as if it’s ’real world’.

But DH’s parents are on another level, they seem to be obsessed with their phones and send 1000’s of photos, links, memes, news articles to all of us all day long via every single platform they can access (WhatsApp, instagram, facebook, personal email, work email, text, phone call and in person). They also have no filter and say weird shit to us, constantly talking about people we don’t know (and over sharing other people’s private info).

DH and I in our 40’s now and just sit there sometimes and think who are these people 😂. We thinking of having an honesty pact with each other if we get like this but is it inevitable? What happens to parents in their 60’s?

This is it really, working/keeping busy is possibly the key

My parents are both retired, late 60s and really too much time of their hands they (esp DF) get obsessed with total & utter minutiae of daily life

We literally don’t recognise our own parents as the people who raised us it’s like they are strangers to us. I think it’s ok to question to a bunch of strangers and each other, but not to our parents - wtf is going on? people have very helpfully contributed so I understand it a lot better now.

From an adults child’s perspective, your parent changing into a completely different person is quite disconcerting.

I do not ‘owe’ my parents anything just because they are my parents and neither do my children owe me anything, and if I drive them round the bend in later life in this way I give them permission to run away.

The idea of my own DC feeling trapped by me like this gives me the chills.

Is this a new level of entitlement? ‘I’m your parent so I can do/say what I want and you have not only to tolerate it, but in silence! stifle down any concerns or objections to how I completely dominate your time in my own overbearing self obsessed way, and you must never express any negative feelings about it as otherwise it makes you a bad child and I need you to feel guilty enough about me getting old to run around after me for the rest of my life even if I show no interest in you or your kids anymore - love mum and dad!’ Xoxo 😂

DH and I are in that age bracket and I sincerely hope we aren't like that!

Mind you, DD often says to me that DH has been annoying her by continually badgering her about minor things such as has she got a new set of windscreen wipers yet.😂

My in laws are both in their 80s and came with us to the salt mines in Poland two years ago and went on their own to Spain last year, so it's not inevitable. But neither are on social media, have 5 basic tv channels and active in the men's shed and car booting and both drive and are in good health. I think it's an attitude to life. The other side less so. Much more sitting watching TV and on social media, because of worse mobility. Not too bad with the politics but does have a fascination with the small boats. We sent a short video on the ferry between Corfu and Albania with a stunning sunset and the reply was we looked like we were trying to get into Albania illegally on a boat. Not sure how many people with UK passports try and get into Albania illegally, but there you go😂

I can relate OP. My parents are late 60s. My father opted out of amy type of paternal role about 10 years ago. Has absolutely zero interest in any of his kids. My mother is constantly telling me how busy and stressful her life js despite retiring at 62 and having a very comfortable lifestyle. She constantly preaches vis family WhatsApp groups and sends passive aggressive memes on how to parent kids. They live a 5 minute walk away and I probably saw them anout 5 weeks ago.

They don't really feature in my life and I've more peace because of it

@JacknDiane No they do not! We, and the vast majority of our friends are 70 plus. None of us do what the op describes. We are busy, engaged and we don’t read the Daily Mail. Anyone we meet who is too much to the Right, we quietly drop. I don’t pass on dross to our DC and neither does DH. Maybe we are just able to use our brains more constructively? I don’t know why seemingly once normal people lose their common sense. Who on earth believes tv characters are real?

My DM and DMIL are similar in terms of not being able to just pop round, endless repetition of stories, and decreasing interest in us. But they are late 80s (and still active and busy).
DH is early 60s and I'm approaching 60. Still working, one DC still at uni, other just started his first grad job and back living at home. I do not recognise anything you say about your parents in our set-up.

My son is under strict instructions to dump me if I ever get to be too much of a pain, as long as he's done a reasonable amount of caring first 😃

My parents caused me a great deal of stress over the years, and I'd hate to inflict that on anyone.

You know, I am in my early sixties now and I don't recognise myself in this. I do however, in my own parents (mid to late eighties). So it's all relative I suppose!

Their world has narrowed down and they're very focused on themselves and quite dull friends of the same generation. Lots of reminiscing and repeating the same stories. Set in their ways. I can see that ageing is a bit miserable for them though, so I suppose it's natural to cling on to what they know.

What is harder to overlook with many older people is how little sympathy they have for younger generations and lack of understanding of how hard it is for young people. Even if it's their own beloved grandchildren.

I have instructed DD to tell me if I ever get like that!

I worry about this happening to me in relation to my children. My own parents, with whom I got on well, did seem to be stuck on 'transmit'. I have concluded the key thing is to ask questions and really listen to the answers and discuss from there. I would hate to bore my own children (but maybe it is inevitable and I won't notice I am doing it).

My parents are a bit like that. Although only early 70’s. My mum has health and it won’t admit it. She worries about things that there is no need to worry about.

I am the very same, don’t even know them any more.

My dad is nothing like that and is 84! He reads the Times and the Guardian. He is well up on the news (and frequently tells me things I haven't heard). He doesn't have a busy social life because my mum is bedbound and has late stage dementia so he needs to be home quite a lot, but he sees friends for coffee or lunch at least once a week. He tells me interesting things all the time, sometimes current stuff, sometimes things from his life. People are still offering him jobs on LinkedIn (as a consultant, not full time)! My 18 year old considers him one of the most interesting people she's ever met. He gardens, goes for walks, enjoys a takeaway now and again. In his sixties, he was working a highly stressful job and travelling the world in his holidays. I'd say he's having a good old age (apart from my poor mum).

My parents are in their early 80s now and they sound younger than yours. They retired early 60s but went back to 'school' (an art appreciation class), my dad took up Italian cooking - and Italian language lessons - they meet their own friends every week separately, a few times a week for coffee/lunch, they go for walks around the local nature reserve, they eat out regularly and read the newspaper every day and generally take an interest in things outside their own little world. My mum went to yoga classes well into her 70s but finds it tricky now due to mobility issues. I think the secret is to broaden your world as much as you can.

Exactly this. My grandparents are exactly the same. It seems crazy to me how they can get worked up about the smallest of things, but it's literally because they don't have much to think about. They barely do anything, only leave the house 3 days out of 7, do exactly the same things each week.. their world is a lot smaller. This is through choice, as they have the resources and support to do anything they like including holidays, day trips etc - both in good physical and mental health.

It's an attitude thing, rather than an age thing. My paternal GP took early retirement at 50, and retired to a life of sitting in front of the tv and doing the crossword. My maternal grandparents are 15 years older, had some really significant health problems but still had a joie de vivre and interest in others. Until DGF was in a wheelchair, you would honestly have believed they were the younger pair.

I recognise some of this with my parents too. They're both early 80's now.

They are obsessed with FaceTiming us (& everyone else they know) I hate it so wait until they ring off and phone them back.

My dad rings from on holiday constantly and they talk obsessively about some friends of theirs.

My parents and the In laws are exactly like this, all are retired with no hobbies and they have turned into racist, reform supporting idiots with nothing going on in their lives but watching GB news channel. Me and DH have both said it's retiring with nothing to do after that seemed to change them. My parents have friends the same age who are the same as them, also retired and others who are retired but travel and socialise a lot and they are not like this

My mum is like this. She is utterly obsessed with Trump and he’s all she wants to talk about. Before that it was the royals particularly Meghan and Harry. We all tell her we don’t want to hear about Trump but she just continues whilst sneaking looks at her iPad. Visiting is kept to a minimum and like a previous poster said she’s only a 5 minute walk away.

Or, a generation of parents raised their kids to be independent thinkers (by kicking them out dawn til dusk) and all of a sudden they don’t like it when those kids have opinions.

My parents are massively judgemental and negative. I’m not going to sit back and let that negativity and judgement rub off on my daughter.

She also has my full permission to tell me to wind my neck in if I get to be the same as them.

I’m 61. Dd is still at home.

As soon as she goes I’m eating M and S food every day. Not ever cooking again ever.

My dad got like this. A conversation with him would go something like ‘WELL, I was getting the 600 bus to town. Actually, no, it was the 602. Hang on … no, it was Tuesday so it must have been the 600 as the 602 doesn’t come by on a Tuesday … don’t know why. Anyway, I got on, and I was fumbling about for my wallet and I said to the driver, I said, ooh … I hope I haven’t left it at home. Anyway so I sat next to this woman and she said ooh, have you been to the new shop in town? I said no, what new shop? She said oh, it’s just opened, it’s good …’

you’d get a long monologue about this woman and her health and her bowels - I’d end up saying ‘Dad, WHO is this again?’

It is a ‘thing.’ I do think it happens as peoples worlds get smaller.

😂 at them sending you tons of links etc via WhatsApp

This is about social media algorithms.
I’ve worked with a wonderful man for 10 years; he’s now 72. In the past two years he’s shifted sharply to the right, often talking about “woke” liberals. He’s become obsessed with TikTok and regularly sends me videos to watch. He’s clearly in a rabbit hole, and I’m noticing the same pattern in several people his age who use these apps a lot.

You aren’t telling your kids you are too poor to put the oven on then booking a 2 week all inclusive holiday though 😂