I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

I hope you will be alright. It’s not an easy decision for you. I wish you all the best but just wanted to say that even with one, or even two dads in the picture, being a parent is really hard but you can do it if you really want the baby.

Good luck to you x

Sorry you are getting some judgemental and condescending responses here. It sounds like you are in a great position to be a single mum if that’s what you want to do. I think you need to weigh things up as to what you would regret most in 5, 10, 20 years time. Would the decision you make mean you resent Leo/Adam/even the baby? Which life would you mourn most - the one without Leo or the one without the baby? I would be honest with Leo. If you were that in love, he will hopefully be reasonable and support you whatever you decide.

Sorry OP if I am wrong, but I am picking up a not real/AI vibe to this poster

I’m not AI.

I would say the opposite. If you’re not convinced you want to be a single mum, then you should terminate. Personally I think a regretted termination is not as bad as an unwanted baby. You can have counselling to cope with termination regrets. But an unwanted baby is there for life. And it has feelings of its own.

How old are you op?

"I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam."

If that's your current thinking then trust me you aren't ready to be a parent. You don't wobble over having a baby because you've had a text from an old flame. I'm not being flippant or goady, I'm being honest. If you really, really wanted to be a mother and devote the next 18 years (and the rest) to caring for another human being, then absolutely nothing on earth would sway you. If you think you do want to be a mother then take your rose tinted glasses off and also forget about Leo and Adam. The sole focus will have to be on your child and only your child. That's the reality.

@Doyouknowdanieltiger first line of her first post. She’s 26.

I think you should have a termination and I don't say that lightly.

You're young, you're in love with Leo. You're accidentally pregnant to a FWB after a drunken shag without contraception (life happens!!) Adam is a friend, he might step up (& he might not) but I think it would be a mistake to tie yourself to him & be restricted to where you live & how you raise your child for the next 20 years because of an unprotected shag.

This time next year you could be happy with Leo, planning a future & a family together. Even if it doesn't work out with Leo, you'll have given it a go & not be left with 'what ifs'
& be free, to meet someone & plan a future with them.

[ think about how each of the pists make you feel and react. A bit like tossing a coin and knowing you were hoping for the other outcome{

🌷💕

Regarding fate / meant to be / the one that got away / things happen for a reason etc.... All of that is horseshit. Take that out of your thinking.

In my experience, relationships end for a reason and it can be easy to romanticise the past and only remember the good bits and want to get back into a relationship with that person, but you will both have changed / grown in the interim while you were apart, and you are not the same people you were first time around. One of you may have grown in a way that the other has not, or things like that. The same issues might rear up that caused you to break up the first time around. Rarely have I ever met someone who has successfully got back into a relationship that ended once already.

But it’s so final. The pain of a revretted termination never goes away

People keep going on about you being "too young" etc. I personally don't think 26 is too young for anything - including to be a single mum if you want to. I wish you all the best, no matter what you decide.

It’s absolutely fine to want to get back with Leo, there’s clearly unfinished business on both sides, and you want to see where it will go.

If that’s how you feel then the obvious choice unless you’re pro-life is termination.

You have plenty of time to have a child with a voluntary and involved father.

Don’t be naive enough to think that you can do both - once Leo knows you’ve slept with someone else and are pregnant by him, the sentimentality will evaporate.

A termination just feels so final. So forever. But then so does saying no to Leo. Because what if? I don’t know which what if would be worse

So you want a baby, toddler l, primary then secondary child, teen then adult
it’s all well and good saying I want a baby do you want a teen in 12 years time.

i had my eldest when I was 23, I’m a single parent. It’s been hard financially but you cope. It can be lovely when they go to bed at 6pm and you have hours laid out in front of you.

Be ok with what you decide.

OP why don't you meet up with Leo and see what he has to say? And if he asks what you've been up to, be honest. If he runs for the hills when he finds out someone else has got you pregnant, then at least you'll no longer be torn by the "what if" that he's currently representing.

Personally - I think Leo is lonely and getting back together is unlikely to work out. Adam has promised to step up and coparent, and while this sounds ok in theory, the reality could see you doing 100% of all childcare. So consider that. Are you ok with that?

Base your decision on how you feel about single motherhood. That's the only way to know what the right thing to do is.

Why would Leo want someone else’s baby?

Just so you know OP, no one I know regretted abortion. (No one’s allowed to
say they regretted having kids, but)

A termination means you won’t be having Adam’s baby, but I believe that you never planned to have Adam’s baby. You didn’t choose this, it was a mistake.

But if you do have Adam’s baby, other choices might be taken away from you.

would you tell him about your friend and the baby or termination?

I think I’m going to ask him to meet tonight and just tell him everything.

That way I know where I stand.

If you really, desperately wanted to be a mother then Leo wouldn't even come into the equation. You would happily wave goodbye to him and just be over the moon at being pregnant. The fact that you're even thinking the romance with Leo might be more important than having a baby says it all really. It means you are not ready for the life long commitment of a child at this stage in your life.

That sounds very sensible. If he wants no part of it, you can make your mind up about the baby without considering him.

Although you keep arguing that you 'could' have the baby OP you also keep telling us loud and clear that you'd rather have Leo - and it sounds like the baby would just be the second prize if you didn't get him back.

Don't have the baby OP, go and be young and see what happens with Leo without making things hugely more complicated with Adam and a child in the mix.

A rekindled relationship isn’t the best foundation for raising a child - for the child or the relationship. Children deserve a stable, safe home life with a parent or parents that can put them first.

I don’t imagine Leo got in touch thinking you’d come as a packaged deal. Adam clearly wasn’t looking for a long term relationship either, so while he’s saying he’ll stick around and co-parent you’ll be relying on him to keep that promise for the next 20 years.

You’re at a cross roads whatever you decide to do, your life will be different if you do/don’t continue with the pregnancy and if you do/don’t give Leo another go. Do you have anyone in your life to talk to - who knows you and the men concerned who can help you set aside the romance and fantasy of babies and partners. You need good support to pick through it.

Op you don't sound like you want a termination, you just don't want to be in this situation, which is understandable.

Take your time with all of it. Talk to Leo. If this situation scares him off then so be it, it would indicate he isn't actually interested in you as he finds you right now.therefore you'd better be off without him. Even if he isn't scared off don't jump into a relationship either, you have a lot to.process and need to do that properly.