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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Sal820 · 13/10/2025 18:28

MediocreAgain · 13/10/2025 18:23

That sounds very sensible. If he wants no part of it, you can make your mind up about the baby without considering him.

No it's awful. The child is just the second prize if she doesn't get what she really wants. No child should be the back up plan, I can't believe you think that's ok.

myglowupera · 13/10/2025 18:30

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 18:16

A termination just feels so final. So forever. But then so does saying no to Leo. Because what if? I don’t know which what if would be worse

You could end up losing both in all honesty. You could have a termination because of Leo and then he ends it at some point whether that’s soon or further down the line. And then your sacrifices will be pointless if you’ve made difficult decisions based on him.

I would base my decision on that. The potential that things with him won’t work out. Men come and go and relationships don’t work out but a child will be forever.

And also without sounding patronising, if you do have the baby you will realise just how insignificant Leo is in comparison.

ArtfulDenimSheep · 13/10/2025 18:31

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 13/10/2025 15:32

But you did say “I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me…” and many people would rightly or wrongly assume your alternative would be an abortion. Unless not keeping the baby to you means adoption?

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/10/2025 18:31

Sal820 · 13/10/2025 18:27

Although you keep arguing that you 'could' have the baby OP you also keep telling us loud and clear that you'd rather have Leo - and it sounds like the baby would just be the second prize if you didn't get him back.

Don't have the baby OP, go and be young and see what happens with Leo without making things hugely more complicated with Adam and a child in the mix.

Show quote history

This is really important, if you’d regret not having the man more than the baby, you know what you need to do. If you have the baby and loose the man there’s every chance you’ll regret the child and no child deserves that.

You're not considering what a child needs throughout its life, which suggests you’re not ready for a child.

AdoraBell · 13/10/2025 18:32

I agree that you need to concentrate on the pregnancy and put the men on the side for now while you decide.

lifeonmars100 · 13/10/2025 18:32

Sorry but I have never subscibed to the "things happen for a reason" school of thought, how does that explain war, cancer, random accidents that cause life-changing injuires etc I would suggest that you have a deep think about what means the most to you, being a mum or being in a relationship with the man that you feel was the one for you possbily coming back into your life. As for being a single parent, I was one and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, being alone with a baby who wakes at least 5 times a night for the first two years nearly broke me, It was not like the ads, not like the celebs portray it. Thing is we don't know what the baby will be like, it could be a dream (and even these have their moments!) and the best thing that ever happened to you but going it alone needs very serious thought. I am not being negative, the love I have for my child is deep and profound but doing it alone was far from ideal.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:33

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

For a relationship to work, it has to be the right person at the right time.

Your reasons for splitting up were pretty shallow to be frank.
'No time for a relationship'.

The real reason is / was you're not right for each other and a year is unlikely to change that. People who are 'meant to be' find the time to dedicate to their relationship AND IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

It is unrealistic to expect 'Leo' to have time in his life for you AND a baby that is not his.

I also think you should not tell Leo about the baby and Adam. Leo is not asking you to marry him. He's said he missed you, is possibly between girlfriends and is just taking you off the back burner.

I'm sorry but you are looking at this through rosy tinted specs and your focus should be on the pregnancy and forget about adding a man to it.

Exhaustedanxious · 13/10/2025 18:34

You’re focusing on the men, and you. That means you’re not ready for a baby. Have an abortion, then find the right partner, neither of which is Leo or Adam.
that said I got pregnant accidentally. Ended up marrying my one night stand and I probably shouldn’t have stayed with him…. So I may be advising you from the wrong angle.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 18:35

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:33

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

For a relationship to work, it has to be the right person at the right time.

Your reasons for splitting up were pretty shallow to be frank.
'No time for a relationship'.

The real reason is / was you're not right for each other and a year is unlikely to change that. People who are 'meant to be' find the time to dedicate to their relationship AND IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED.

It is unrealistic to expect 'Leo' to have time in his life for you AND a baby that is not his.

I also think you should not tell Leo about the baby and Adam. Leo is not asking you to marry him. He's said he missed you, is possibly between girlfriends and is just taking you off the back burner.

I'm sorry but you are looking at this through rosy tinted specs and your focus should be on the pregnancy and forget about adding a man to it.

It’s very, very clear that you dislike me because I got
pregnant accidentally.

you and I have different outlooks on life. That’s fine. I can look back and recognise that a year ago I was not the best version of myself. I took a long, hard look in the mirror and worked on that. Yes I made a mistake by getting pregnant but that doesn’t make me a bad person.

OP posts:
LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:35

lifeonmars100 · 13/10/2025 18:32

Sorry but I have never subscibed to the "things happen for a reason" school of thought, how does that explain war, cancer, random accidents that cause life-changing injuires etc I would suggest that you have a deep think about what means the most to you, being a mum or being in a relationship with the man that you feel was the one for you possbily coming back into your life. As for being a single parent, I was one and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, being alone with a baby who wakes at least 5 times a night for the first two years nearly broke me, It was not like the ads, not like the celebs portray it. Thing is we don't know what the baby will be like, it could be a dream (and even these have their moments!) and the best thing that ever happened to you but going it alone needs very serious thought. I am not being negative, the love I have for my child is deep and profound but doing it alone was far from ideal.

I agree with this but I also think that in 25 years time we'd need to ask the baby if they had rather been born with an actively involved father around and their parents were wanting them, very much.

I know tragedies happen and women end up as single parents, but it's not ideal.

viques · 13/10/2025 18:36

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

And I know people who know their lives have been better because they were brave enough to realise that parenthood wasn’t for them .

LemonJellyLegs · 13/10/2025 18:36

Loveduppenguin · 13/10/2025 15:45

Adam will not step up and co parent…I can practically guarantee it. What you need to decide is whether you want to be a single parent. That’s it…very simply.

So mat pay is good, brilliant
what about childcare costs? Can you afford it all by yourself?

Is this a job for life? My friends DD was in exactly the same position as you this time 18 mnths ago. She was thinking exactly the same too. While she was off the company almost went under and they downsized, well, she certainly isn't in the same great place in her life now. Boyfriend then told her, "I have a massive tax bill and cant afford to give you more than £100 a month". My friend had to go part time to look after her DGD for her. Its just such a fucking mess!

To top it all, poor baby is in daycare all day 8-6pm when my friend cant have her. Its a mess

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 13/10/2025 18:37

InsectsMatter · 13/10/2025 15:41

I’m in my 60’s and my friends who have had abortions say they regret it. (I’ve not been pregnant or had an abortion).
Fir some it was their one chance of being pregnant.
Think how you might feel in 30 years.

And then again, some of us have had a termination and don’t regret it at all. Not everyone is riven with guilt and sadness for the rest of their lives.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:38

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 18:35

It’s very, very clear that you dislike me because I got
pregnant accidentally.

you and I have different outlooks on life. That’s fine. I can look back and recognise that a year ago I was not the best version of myself. I took a long, hard look in the mirror and worked on that. Yes I made a mistake by getting pregnant but that doesn’t make me a bad person.

Show quote history

I don't dislike you at all. I think you were foolish. I don't think you are a bad person at all.

Your outlook on life is based on all of 26 years.. My own children are years older than you. I've friends who've been in predicaments , and more. It's not 'new' what you're going through.

I think you are mixing up the 'what ifs' around 2 flaky men and the harsh reality of being a single mum.

You asked for advice, so consider what women who are older and have experience of life's ups and downs are saying.

Have you said anything to your parents on this? If you keep the baby will they help out?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/10/2025 18:39

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Ignore the people in their ivory towers giving you grief.

Meet with Leo, hear what he has to say, then be honest with him about the pregnancy and that you and Adam are not together but will co-parent. Give Leo time to digest the news and then see how Leo feels.

The ball is in Leo's court once hearing of your pregnancy.

Good luck with the baby, babies are a blessing and I'm sure you'll be a great mum x

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 13/10/2025 18:40

Does leo earn well. Think child maintenance here. Whats his family like. The baby would go alt weekends and 1 night in the week so is he stable do you feel him.and his family would be ok with baby or will it be courts stress etc

Thingyfanding1 · 13/10/2025 18:41

Have the baby - you're clearly someone who wants children. You will always regret it if you don't.
You'll never regret keeping it. It might not have come at the best time but life doesn't work like that and you can't guarantee you will find the right time in the future.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:41

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/10/2025 18:39

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Ignore the people in their ivory towers giving you grief.

Meet with Leo, hear what he has to say, then be honest with him about the pregnancy and that you and Adam are not together but will co-parent. Give Leo time to digest the news and then see how Leo feels.

The ball is in Leo's court once hearing of your pregnancy.

Good luck with the baby, babies are a blessing and I'm sure you'll be a great mum x

But Leo and the OP didn't have time for each other then!
How has that changed?
More likely he is lonely and seeing if OP is up for some dates.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/10/2025 18:41

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:41

But Leo and the OP didn't have time for each other then!
How has that changed?
More likely he is lonely and seeing if OP is up for some dates.

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Give over. You've been nothing but mean to the OP. I'm not entertaining you.

Umbilicat · 13/10/2025 18:42

You're 26, you're incredibly young and sound way too immature for a baby - there's time for all that. You sound wishy-washy about a baby, it's not your dream right now and no reason why it should be at your age. So don't keep it. You clearly have no idea what you'd be getting into.

Have another go with Leo but don't count on anything. Do NOT tell him about Adam and the pregnancy.

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 13/10/2025 18:43

Umbilicat · 13/10/2025 18:42

You're 26, you're incredibly young and sound way too immature for a baby - there's time for all that. You sound wishy-washy about a baby, it's not your dream right now and no reason why it should be at your age. So don't keep it. You clearly have no idea what you'd be getting into.

Have another go with Leo but don't count on anything. Do NOT tell him about Adam and the pregnancy.

Is 26 incredibly young?

BarilynBordeaux · 13/10/2025 18:43

I agree with the PP who said if Leo didn’t have time for a relationship before what makes you think he’ll now have time for a much more full-on one because it has another man’s baby in it?

I don’t give a brass farthing how people get pregnant, just make sure this decision is based ONLY on how you feel about single parenthood in your twenties, and nothing else.

LadyGreyTeaforMe · 13/10/2025 18:44

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/10/2025 18:41

Give over. You've been nothing but mean to the OP. I'm not entertaining you.

Show quote history

Sorry but there is a range of opinions here, all valid.

Thingyfanding1 · 13/10/2025 18:46

Umbilicat · 13/10/2025 18:42

You're 26, you're incredibly young and sound way too immature for a baby - there's time for all that. You sound wishy-washy about a baby, it's not your dream right now and no reason why it should be at your age. So don't keep it. You clearly have no idea what you'd be getting into.

Have another go with Leo but don't count on anything. Do NOT tell him about Adam and the pregnancy.

26 is definitely not too young to have a baby - it's a great age.

PullTheBricksDown · 13/10/2025 18:46

Sal820 · 13/10/2025 18:27

Although you keep arguing that you 'could' have the baby OP you also keep telling us loud and clear that you'd rather have Leo - and it sounds like the baby would just be the second prize if you didn't get him back.

Don't have the baby OP, go and be young and see what happens with Leo without making things hugely more complicated with Adam and a child in the mix.

Show quote history

This. And lots of people advocate total honesty but it's not them. It's your pregnancy and Leo shouldn't get to be part of that decision. Meet him and just talk about you two and how things would need to be different if you tried again. Keep the baby information to yourself and make your own decision.