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Original poster

I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

694 replies

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 14:58

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:43

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/10/2025 17:42

So I think it behoves me to say, I stuck with my " Adam" even though my Leo proposed when he found out I was pregnant" , as it goes we are still together, but I was prepared for single parenthood. This doesn't seem to be on the cards with you, you are not willing to give it a go with Adam for the child's sake.

I think it would be unfair of us to try because we just don’t feel that way about each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:43

BasicBrumble · 13/10/2025 17:42

I think it's useful to answer the Q about how you will feel if you abort, get back together with Leo, he dumps you for some lame reason.

If you were really soulmates it would've worked out the first time.

I’d be heartbroken, but I think more for not being with Leo than for the baby.

OP posts:
LemonCookie8 · 13/10/2025 17:44

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 16:44

With Leo, we were both at really crucial points in our career and recon used we weren’t able to give enough to each other and ourselves, so decided to end things. It was mutual but I was heartbroken because I love him.

in terms of Adam we’ve tried dating, there’s a sexual attraction there but not romantic feelings.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Show quote history

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam.

This gives you the answer you’re looking for OP. If you’d choose your relationship over the baby that’s what you should do (and I say this with no judgment whatsoever 😊).

NimbleDreamer · 13/10/2025 17:45

I would honestly terminate if I was in your situation. The whole thing sounds like a complete mess and you all sound very immature.

caringcarer · 13/10/2025 17:45

Why not go ahead and have the baby if that is what you want and forget about A and L. Once a baby is born you will have most of your time focused on baby when it is tiny so not much time for A or L.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/10/2025 17:45

LemonCookie8 · 13/10/2025 17:44

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam.

This gives you the answer you’re looking for OP. If you’d choose your relationship over the baby that’s what you should do (and I say this with no judgment whatsoever 😊).

Show quote history

Me too. The best chance of things working out with Leo is to abort, however it is by no means guaranteed.

whichwaynext · 13/10/2025 17:45

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:38

I’m sure a lot of people will be horrid but I think that we are soulmates. I don’t think he’d just come back for sex, he has plenty of chances to meet another woman. I think he’s messaged me for a reason and that’s because he truly wants to give it a second chance.

Show quote history

Soulmates, everything happens for a reason… without trying to sound too unkind I do think you sound like you are not very realistic about life and stuck in magical / heroic thinking mode (read Jung) which isn’t a healthy place to parent from.

In any case, if Leo is indeed your “soulmate” then he will stick around, suggest you get married and ask to adopt your new baby won’t he.

Firedrink · 13/10/2025 17:47

Oh and Adam may well change his mind.
Do not depend on him.
A new girlfriend balking at his messy baby mamma baggage is all it might take for you to not see him for dust.

Personally as a young woman I would give a guy with a child a hard swerve as would my daughters.
Not what we would be settling for.
Climbing the greasy pole in a good career is hard enough without having the demands of nursery pick ups all on you.
Would you expect to meet someone quickly and have a sibling quickly, or like many have a large gap of 6-8 years before you start again, thats if you do meet someone who is interested in a single parent.

You need to realise how brutally hard, lonely and how harshly judged young single parents are.

Not a chance I would want it for my daughters thats for sure.

That you would forego your independence on a drunken night tells me you are very naive.

Volunteer to mind someones toddler for a weekend on your own to give yourself the tiniest taste of how hard it really is.

Being solely responsible for another life is huge.

AutumnCosy2025 · 13/10/2025 17:47

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/10/2025 16:09

Don’t have a child. You are not in any way mature enough.

Show quote history

Oh don't be so sanctimonious.

Harleyband · 13/10/2025 17:47

OP it sounds like you'd like to get back with Leo and have the baby with Leo being a hands on stepdad and Adam providing some financial and childcare benefits. That's a lovely fantasy and maybe it'll work but if you want it to work you'll have to tell Leo and you'll have to prepare yourself for the possibility he will not want this. If Leo does want to get back with you but doesn't want to be a stepdad how will you feel? If you terminate the pregnancy and it still doesn't work out with Leo how will you feel?
You've told Adam. He's said the choice is yours (it is). Now you have to tell Leo to see if the fantasy will in any way reflect reality. And if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, you have to be prepared to raise this child alone. That's hard. It's hard with a partner. It's just hard.

ohyesido · 13/10/2025 17:47

If you’re not convinced that you want to terminate, then you should go ahead with the pregnancy

Tistheseason17 · 13/10/2025 17:48

Your last post was very honest, OP.

Be true to your feelings.

Terminate pregnancy and give it a go with Leo.

Theunamedcat · 13/10/2025 17:50

My ex husband has had many many "soulmates" he is on soulmate forever number three in his forties so far he had one in his 20s one in his 30s now one in his 40s he is...consistent

Theunamedcat · 13/10/2025 17:51

Personally I would find out why he is reaching out first

Firedrink · 13/10/2025 17:51

Oh and if Leo is very keen, do you seriously imagine his family will welcome you into theirs, heavily pregnant with another mans child?

If nothing else they will wonder at your judgement to go ahead with it.

More likely they will be appalled and let him know that.

How many threads do we have where inlaws wouldn't help a son out with a deposit because he was with a woman with a child?

Please think very very carefully.
This is so much bigger that maternity benefits.
This is the next 20 years of your life.

Nandina · 13/10/2025 17:52

People in a decent relationship don't break up because they are 'busy'. Leo is unlikely to be 'the one' this time around either.

NimbleDreamer · 13/10/2025 17:52

IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:38

I’m sure a lot of people will be horrid but I think that we are soulmates. I don’t think he’d just come back for sex, he has plenty of chances to meet another woman. I think he’s messaged me for a reason and that’s because he truly wants to give it a second chance.

Show quote history

You talk like you have your head in the clouds and not in the real world. I don't think you have the emotional maturity to continue with the pregnancy and be a single parent, as you're too preoccupied with this fairytale ending with Leo when all he has done is text you saying he misses you. He most likely will run a mile when he finds out you're having another man's child.

ButSheSaid · 13/10/2025 17:53

@Spookyspaghetti Fwiw I don’t think most people truly grow up until they have children

What an awful thing to say. But good to know I'm not grown up, at four blissfully childfree decades of existence 😊

AngelinaFibres · 13/10/2025 17:53

ohyesido · 13/10/2025 17:47

If you’re not convinced that you want to terminate, then you should go ahead with the pregnancy

But if you're not convinced you want the baby above ALL other considerations and options then you should terminate.
I was a single parent to a 3 year old and a 2 year old when I was 30. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm 60 now. I would not recommend it to anyone. It's not like in the movies. It's lonely, relentless, career destroying, financially crippling toil with lovely bits in between the vomiting, chicken pox etc etc.

Original poster
IAmInAPickle · 13/10/2025 17:55

Theunamedcat · 13/10/2025 17:51

Personally I would find out why he is reaching out first

Because he wants to give things another go. From his social media posts (yes, taken with a grain of salt because I know social media is only the glossy side), things do seem to have changed for him too. We were both new to our careers, burnt out and exhausted. We couldn’t be good partners for each other. That’s not just him to me, I wasn’t a good partner to him either. I’ve learnt from that and grown from it, and I hope he has too.

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 13/10/2025 17:55

I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam.

There's your answer.

TheLemonLemur · 13/10/2025 17:58

You sound more invested in the potential rekindling. You both couldnt support each other through a very short time frame if these difficulties were only a year ago why are you so sure it will work now? Honestly you are young do you know the father well enough to commit to him being in your life for 20 years? How will you feel having a child potentially only 50% of the time? Good maternity benefits are not a reason alone to have a baby but it is a bonus I would take the men out of the equation and base the decision on whats best for you at this stage in your life

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 13/10/2025 17:59

Sorry OP I thought I’d posted but can’t see it. Sorry if this appears twice

but I think getting g back with Leo whilst pregnant with another man’s baby (when he said he wanted kids) won’t go down well. I’d leave Leo be as you weren’t a great match before….co parent with Adam as it sounds like you’re keen to keep baby

CrystalShoe · 13/10/2025 17:59

EverybodyLTB · 13/10/2025 15:11

The baby needs to be the focus of your decision making, because neither of these me are a sure thing. The question is - do you want a baby? Forget about Leo or Adam, either of those will or won’t go somewhere regardless of a baby being around. Imagine they’ve both dropped off the face of the earth- do you want a baby and can you cope with a baby alone?

This is really good advice.

Tiswa · 13/10/2025 18:00

You are romanticising the relationship with Leo to an unhealthy extent

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