I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

The reason might be all in his pants

Men are fleeting children are forever

If it didn’t work out with Leo before how on earth would it work out if (a) you had another man’s child or (b) you aborted to give your relationship another go?

I also agree with the other comments on mat pay, nursery etc. These are good things but they aren’t going to magically make being a single mum an easy situation.

I can’t fathom why you’d want the baby in these circumstances but I’m not emotional about pregnancies, it’s obviously your decision but you sound extremely naive to the realities.

And a baby will be born from this.
I really hope you make the best decision in the best interest of all, the baby would need to be the priority.
I raised my child as a s parent and it was excruciatingly hard and lonely.
I respect that others will have varying experiences.
Wishing you all the best

Just kids? Not a family? This isn’t your only opportunity to have a child I’m assuming so why would chose to do it knowing your baby will have an absent father? Fathers are really important, and two adults raising a child is more than a nice to have.

This was an accident because you were drunk, not a planned pregnancy in the context of a loving relationship. I’d have an abortion, go on some form of contraception and contact Leo if I thought we had a future. If not, I still wouldn’t intentionally have a baby on my own.

Babies are hard work and require a degree of self-sacrifice no matter what the circumstances. You seem to be the sort of person who drifts along, taking the good things in life as they come to you. You don’t sound mature enough to be a parent.

Gosh, in your situation, personally there would be no choice- I would not commit to being likely a single parent at 26. No matter what my maternity benefits were. You are young, you have a good amount of time in front of you to be an adult.

And realistically, if you wanted this baby ENOUGH, this baby would be enough whether Leo was in the picture or not. If you really, really wanted to be a parent, when Leo got in touch it would have been- I'm pregnant, but I'm single, can we talk. Hopefully you can see that you the way you are feeling means that you don't want the baby enough to commit to it, so you shouldn't do it. The rest of your life is a long time to be supporting a whole other person who you're not sure about.

Spot on

You are so young but are willing to embark on the messiest of futures with Adam a feature always.
Single parenting even with support is the toughest gig and not one to commit to without enormous forethought.

The challenges of a new relationship when you have a child are huge.
So many threads where women see their first child ignored or sidelined by a second relationship where they don't accept her first child as family.

Certainly not what I would advise my daughters to do.
Change utterly their future because of a drunken encounter.
Absolutely not.
Have you spoken to your parents?
Assuming their support is a huge presumption.
Have they retirement plans?

How would you feel if you dropped Adam, terminated the baby, said nothing to Leo and got back with him. Then 6 months later he dumps you because ' he hoped it would work this time bit he's very sorry it isn't right for him'. Would you regret any of that

If you have a termination and restart things with Leo, and split up again, how would that make you feel?

Better or worse than if you keep the baby and Leo isn't interested/it doesn't last?

That's really the only two questions you can ask yourself, and only you know the answer.

Decide what you want to do about the baby first , congratulations!
Then decide about the other decisions that you have to make .

This, this is what you need to think about.

If you don't have the baby then unless the relationship with Leo is completely perfect then it's very possible resentment will build any time you argue etc and your relationship wouldn't survive anyway.

Also if you do get back with Leo I think you have to cut Adam out as a friend completely, unless Leo knows the truth and is ok with it.

I’m sure a lot of people will be horrid but I think that we are soulmates. I don’t think he’d just come back for sex, he has plenty of chances to meet another woman. I think he’s messaged me for a reason and that’s because he truly wants to give it a second chance.

I’m sure a lot of people will be horrid but I think that we are soulmates. I don’t think he’d just come back for sex, he has plenty of chances to meet another woman. I think he’s messaged me for a reason and that’s because he truly wants to give it a second chance.

You are selling yourself short, in my opinion. I would try to picture your life in ten years and what you’d like it to look like. Take ownership of your life rather than leaving everything to fate or destiny. The person we have children with is one of the most important decisions you can make for your future self.

For my money the only way I would go ahead in these circs is if I was a. zealously pro-life and b. desperate to keep the child and c. ready for the grind of SP.

I’ve never been any of those things myself.

You are very young to embark on life as a single mum due to one drunken mistake. I think most women in your situation wouldn’t hesitate to terminate. Shame you didn’t think of MAP.

You are incredibly naive if you think either of these men will step up and be a great partner or father.
If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you need to realise that it will be 100% on you to do all the parenting as a single parent.
Neither of these men are going to give you a fairy tale ending. Even if they stick around for the pregnancy and newborn stage, you won't see them for dust once the hard part of parenting starts.
Men tell women what they want to hear. It doesn't actually mean they follow through. You're not even in a relationship with either of them let alone married. The best you can hope for is child maintenance payments from the actual father.

I would, and did, have an abortion in a similar situation. No regrets at all.

OP you need to think very very carefully about the possible scenarios here. You say you’ve been thrown by Leo contacting you, and you clearly still have strong feelings for him.

Bear in mind that if you have this child, you’ll be on your own, and very unlikely to be able to date much for at least a couple of years, most likely more. Meanwhile, Leo and Adam may well get married and have kids, and you’ll just be an ex girlfriend, trying to find a man who’s prepared to get involved with a woman with a young child.

You’re young, and you’ve got many years to find Mr Right (who may actually be Leo, although obviously not if you’re pregnant with someone else’s baby!). If you were 10 years older I think the advice would be different, but at this stage in your life I think it could be a big mistake to limit your options so much.

@IAmInAPickle this is it in a nutshell. If you proceed do it on the basis that you will be a single parent, not a co parent. If you are sure that you can cope physically, emotionally and financially all good. But don't delude yourself that either of these guys are bound to step up.

So I think it behoves me to say, I stuck with my " Adam" even though my Leo proposed when he found out I was pregnant" , as it goes we are still together, but I was prepared for single parenthood. This doesn't seem to be on the cards with you, you are not willing to give it a go with Adam for the child's sake.

I think it's useful to answer the Q about how you will feel if you abort, get back together with Leo, he dumps you for some lame reason.

If you were really soulmates it would've worked out the first time.

He may well have met another woman, had a relationship with her, been dumped and be looking for something/ someone famiar to see him through the next few months.

@IAmInAPickle tell him you’re pregnant by another man and that you’re thinking of keeping the baby, you may find him stepping away. Most men would, and to be honest I wouldn’t blame them.