I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

I’ve gone part time. I work three days a week.

Op only you can make the decision. But something you should know child care is easy to sort at nursery level, close to work, convenient times, 8.00-5.30 or later.

When it gets tough is school, not all schools have breakfast clubs so your earliest drop off is 9.00. Wrap around care isn't cheap pick up 6.00 latest.

This also means limited time of extra activities, dance, football, scouts, guides, which are often 4 / 5 / 6pm .

These are only possible with family support or a parent on reduced hours.

You know what, you're only 26. You might resent this baby if you lose Leo and Adam might not stick around. Single parenting is tough and there's a lot you're not sure about.You want Leo more than a baby, which tells me you probably aren't ready for this child yet. Plus you've swung in this conversation from wanting to travel to wanting a baby. Nothing is clear, so you should decide nothing permanent.

I would terminate, try with Leo, but accept you don't know what the future holds.

It may be in ten years you have a baby with a new man. Or you are settled travelling with Leo. Who knows.

I really don't think its a good idea for you to have this baby.

Whatever you want, put it aside - children don't ask to be born and it doesn't sound like you're all in for being a mum when you're still pining for the ex, want to go travelling etc.

And you do really need to be all in as it is tough.

Nah. If you were meant to be together and dated for two years, you'd have stayed together. Leo isn't important in this decision.

Have an abortion or keep the baby, that's your only decision.

Really?

I've known a lot of people in law, both when I was at the start of my career in my 20s and later on.

I don't know anyone who, so soon after qualifying (you're 26), would reduce their work to 3 days and hope to advance or stay in their career. It doesn't give the impression of being committed to the job. In fact I don't know any graduate at all who decided to go part time at 26 when they don't have children (or a rich partner!)

And how they could afford a house in London (you said 'City' so assume you mean London rather than 'a city') on around half the income.

Also, with all the posts about how would you cope with a baby, it's only now you reveal you only work 3 days a week.

There's a lot in your posts that don't quite add up where you come back with a drip feed once someone has asked you a question.

I have no advice but well done for reaching out in what sounds to be a personally difficult situation. You sound caring and considerate and what I have learnt is that men and jobs come and go, but a child would be in your life forever which is an incredible thing. I'm sure there would be regrets or things you would miss out on either way but try to isolate what you really want regardless of what the majority say or society says. Its your life at the end of the day.

Its not your only chance at being a mum as you are really young, but I would say that careers are not 'all that' and a good maternity package is a great thing so you have options and free childcare hours are up to 30 hours per week now which should help if you do go down this route. May be worth sharing with Leo the situation and his reaction may be a useful bit of insight.

I’ve said from the start I’ve gone part time due to a side income.

I have built my career to a place that I am happy, I feel fulfilled and content. I’m not sure why you’ve taken such a dislike to me.

I think I would have a termination, not be in a relationship for a while, and tell Leo i need a few months to work on myself after this, but if he’s still keen at that point, lets see.

You're confusing 'dislike' with asking pertinent questions.
You don't like questions being asked .
I have no feelings for you at all. Why would I? I don't know you. I'm just reading what you have said.

Some of your posts are not entirely honest and you're drip feeding.

Reducing your hours does not usually mean working for 3 days at 26 in a career in law.

Posters have commented time and time again on how you would fit in child care around work , how you could afford nursery fees etc, how you would cope with the stress of having a baby and a career , and only now - 400+ posts in - have you mentioned working 3 days.

I assume your job is in local government/ charity sector/ housing association rather than private practice because reducing to 3 days would not work.

Whether or not the OP is 'serious' about the career the number of days she works as long as she can maintain her lifestyle and a child potentially - is only her business.

The whole thread is her business!
The point is she's drip feeding because her commitment to work is paramount to having a child as a single parent. And she's barely mentioned it.

I think you're very successful for 26, so you're obviously smart and thoughtful. I think you'll make the right decision for you, your life, and your family.

Also: what's the side hustle? 😁

She hasn't been stressing how much she loves children, she'd rather go travelling with her ex - perfectly valid thing to want to do at 26. People want her to live her best life and not sign up to the hardship of single motherhood when she still has plenty of chances to meet someone lovely to have a family with. What people like you are pushing is not fair on OP and more importantly the child.

You deserve to be judged.

Because I got drunk and had sex?

For being arsey. See the post I quoted.

Let's agree to disagree😅

I’m not pushing anything. She is a grown woman, not a child. Who are you to decide what her best life will be, that is up to her? She came here to get advice on her situation and has been met with constant juddement

I don’t think you fully realise what having kids actually looks like day-to-day. Honestly, I had no idea either, and I had a partner, a house, and financial stability. Parenting is huge. It completely turns your world upside down. It’s not some cosy little routine; it’s 90% relentless graft.

If I were you, I’d forget about men for a minute and really sit with what single parent life would mean. Even if you’re strong enough to handle itand I’m sure you are it can be painfully lonely. Picture this: every evening, sitting on the couch alone while your baby sleeps, knowing your friends are out at the pub or living life. No one to tag in when you’re exhausted. No one to share night feeds, appointments, worries, bills. You’re the default for everything, all the time.

It’s beautiful in moments, of course. But it’s heavy. And you have to go into it with your eyes wide open, not just your heart. If you can do that have the baby. If not- make a go at it with Leo but be prepared it may not work out or you may not be able to get pregnant together. Life is full of unknowns (it could also all work out perfectly for you!) it’s a risk either way. Good luck with it all, must be stressful for you.

That poster has been going at me for the entire duration of the thread.

But then you wouldn’t call public sector work “city law”.

I’ve never met a city lawyer doing 3 days at 26. This is the age of slog. Never going to make partner, ever. And what of the reputational risks of content creation/online presence.

I'm concerned that you didn't recall having unprotected sex.

Your fabulous maternity package won't change nappies, do a doctor's run, take turns in feeding when you're knackered, etc etc etc.

You are carrying an actual person, the same as you are presumably an actual person. They aren't a toy, doll, or something easy. Every stage of parenting is hard and it will be harder than you can ever imagine. Exhaustion like nothing you've ever had, responsibility you've certainly never had. Do not have this baby to keep a man, get one back, or for any other reason that you love them already and are willing to sacrifice a lot for them.

Since I feel, still giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're genuine, you'll chose Leo over keeping the baby I think you need professional help but only if you're willing to tell the whole truth.

As for telling someone to fuck off because they said the MAP can be taken up to five days after unprotected sex, they were trying to help and will no doubt help others who didn't know.

You are so young. Why won’t you wait to have a child with a man you want to be in a stable relationship with and give child a chance to have two loving parents?