I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

No I am sure the majority of us have done that and trust me I have been extremely drunk but never too drunk not to use protection.

OP read this again.

Good luck with your decisions OP. I will say from experience that juggling a City job with single parenthood is not an easy task. Financial stability is great but how are your hours?

Like I’ve said though, in the grand scheme of things if this is the worst thing I ever do I think I’m doing okay

Genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen so much New Puritanism on Mumsnet before. You’d think we all came into being after several chaperoned afternoon teas and a wedding night with the lights off. Half of human history is mum and dad got blotto at the barn dance/maypole/club and then you arrived darling. chill out some of you

I’ve recently reduced them because I’ve got a side income

Ok, but the side income will also take up your time? It is very difficult to get childcare outside of 8am-6pm, so if your role is deal-based it may be a struggle.

It’s content creation, so very much based on how much time I’m willing to put into it, not deals based.

God, I can’t imagine some of these posters with their perfect lives where they’ve never made a bad judgment call or mistake 🙄

I’m with you. I think that if something is meant to be then it will find a way of coming back into your life.

If this were me? I’d have a termination and make a go of it with Leo. Those two things aren’t linked. Parenting is HARD, solo parenting is even harder (and not a weakling!).

My husband and I were together when we were younger then split for about 3/4 years. In that time I had a bf and got pregnant (I was on the implant before anyone pipes up). Did I want that bf to father my child? No. I terminated, we split. Do I occasionally think of that baby? Yes.

But I bumped into my now husband about 9 months later by chance. We’ve been together more or less ever since. 14 years together, 6 years married, a house and 2 beautiful little girls. Would any of that happened if I had gone through with the first pregnancy? Absolutely not. For that reason, I don’t regret it.

I’d be giving Leo another go. If it doesn’t work out then so be it, but it also might

Sending hugs xxx

Please tell me it's not onlyfans.. that's the only piece missing to make this thread complete in bonkerness.

Don’t do it, OP. Haven’t read the whole thread but I’ve read all of your posts and you sound woefully naive about how hard it is to raise a child alone.

You won’t have much time for man 1 or man 2 or fretting about which one you want to sleep with around working and parenting. It’s bloody hard work doing it all on your own, even with a good income (speaking from experience). You don’t sound anywhere near in a place to be considering raising a child when your head is full of the two men dilemma rather than the reality of what you’re going to need to do and sacrifice to raise a child.

You haven’t talked at all about any practicalities at all - are you really truly considering what it takes to raise a child?

How are you going to manage nursery runs if the work facility doesn’t pan out? Have you thought a little bit ahead to whether there’s a decent school near you, whether you’d need wrap around care to be able to carry on working, would you need to hire childcare like a nanny/childminder to do school runs around your work hours? Do you have a spare room that will fit a single bed in it or are you going to have to move house when your child grows out of a cot/toddler bed? Can you afford a bigger house? Can you manage the timings of the childcare/school run around getting to work by yourself? How are you going to keep a social life going for yourself? Do you have family you can call on to babysit? Have you looked up how much paid babysitters cost? (About £55 an evening where I am - it’ll be more in London). Once you’ve spent all your savings on bugaboos, jumpers, car seats, toys, baby clothes, toddler clothes, toddler groups, have you got enough left for school uniform, school shoes, coats, lunchboxes, extra-curricular clubs, days out at the zoo…. Are you going to have to get a bigger car because your current one won’t fit a pram or car seat? Have you costed any of this up?

Seriously, it’s fucking hard work and your head is full of men dilemmas. You don’t sound anywhere near prepared.

It's unusual that you have no one in RL to talk to- no close girlfriends.

If 'Leo' was so quick (within an hour) to say he's be willing to bring up another man's child and then the convo moved onto travel (and how wonderfully suited you are) to me it shows he's still very immature.

No sensible man would make that rather rash decision (which will impact his life forever) over a quick drink in a pub.

You're either not being truthful, or he's just proved that he's not very mature. OR he's so desperate to have you back , he'll say anything to keep you on board, which is very unhealthy.

I know people in law in the City. They don't have a moment to spare - certainly not for a side job as well. You can't guarantee the job you have is for life and the nursery on site that goes with it.

As other posters have said, you're lacking in RL experience of a baby.

There will be days when you have to dash out of work to pick them up early from nursery, days when they are too ill to go to nursery( nurseries are very strict over this and a baby could be away for a week or more if they are ill) and days when you're too ill to go to work as you've picked up every bug they get.

I'd assume you have no friends your age with babies so you aren't aware of how tough it is.

If the job you have in law, (they do exist, often in charities or local government) it might work out but if you're working in a company dealing with private clients, meetings are stacked up and you have deadlines, how will that work?

Complete and utter bollocks

October school week here...

Quite agree with this poster. I also believe everything happens for a reason and think you should try again with Leo otherwise you will never know…

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Go with your heart and try not to feel guilty 💐

Never.

You are 26 and confident you have 2k pm extra every month floating about(?) Good for you! Childcare costs shocked me !

I'm going to be really candid.
good mat leave terms and paying for nursery fees are the at most 10% of it.

A child means....
tying yourself to adam for 20 yrs plus no matter how much of a twat he vecomes

waving goodbye to your life as you know it. It means romantic relationships

generally come last as your child is your priority.

Further relationships become difficult and complex. You might meet the perfect man but if your child hates him you will have to give up the relationship.

You said you and Leo were too busy for your relationship... if you feel like that now how will it be with a child thrown in the mix?
I was never LESS busy than my 20s. No education, no real responsibilities ....I dont get it.

My dh is an active parent and we are run ragged with 2 x demanding jobs and 2 x toddlers.

Basically You have rose tinted glasses on.

At 4 weeks you have options. I dont know id be rushing for a baby on your shoes.
In fact I'd terminate but I have/ had a clear vision for my life.

And the question isnt do you want the baby ( because I think its ls too simplistic)
Are you willing to give up everything required to provide this child with a decent life and having done that will you be happiest? is a better question

Report?

I don't know any city lawyers who have time to be on MN at this time of day! Most are on their way to work for a long hard day.

For future reference, you can take the MAP for up to 5 days after unprotected sex.

How ridiculous.
You think half of all conceptions were an accident?

Leo will not stick around long term if you have the baby. He probably won’t stick around anyway. If you weren’t enough for him the first time, you definitely won’t be now. He’s probably got a broken relationship and is looking for a confidence boost or comfort of a past love. You sound very immature. You need to grow up a bit before having a child.

45% according to this
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning/health-matters-reproductive-health-and-pregnancy-planning

There was a post a while ago by a woman in her late 30s that had unprotected sex with two men 10 days apart and was pregnant. All of the posts were about how she should keep the baby and noone judging her.

not sure why that post had those responses but this one gets the MN bitch pile on judging and calling her immature.

The consistent things in all your posts, OP, has been how you want children and you love them. So have your baby and enjoy your life together. And if you get back together with Leo, great, but if not, you still have your baby.

I cannot believe the amount of strangers laying into you for having unprotected sex, and even worse advising for an abortion when you never once said you wanted one. I know that if you said you were 36 not 26 the comments would all be telling you to keep the baby. Also mind boggling people trying to dissect whether you are ‘real’ based on your income and owning a house. I had a property in my 20s on an average salary that was part buy part rent. Not unheard of.

I hope the responses to your post have not
left you feeling beaten down.