I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

Look it's called a break up because it's broken. You couldn't make it work with Leo and rationally both of you knew that and made a sensible decision. He's just feeling a bit lonely and thinks there might be some regular sex back on the menu. As for Adam, I don't think you realise how grim raising a child on your own can be, co-parenting or not. You are basically signing up for at least the next 18 years (and very likely more) where you have to put somebody else first, and you'll have less time, leisure, energy and money with more stress and likely stretchmarks. My husband travelled a lot when the children were young and it was awful - trying to work and get home to the baby and we had a nanny for the first 18 months so I didn't have to worry about pick ups or anything like that. When they are older you are still trying to get cover for school holidays etc. In your circumstances, I'd be having a termination, giving both of them the flick permanently and being a lot more careful to safeguard your health in future.

To be fair there are a lot of women who had abortions that don’t regret it and feel that they made the right decision at the time.

You poor thing this isn’t easy no matter what you decide. If Leo is meant to be, he will want you baby or no baby.
it is hard work being a mum, but if children are something you want it is the most rewarding thing you will do

You sound very very young op, your outlook is one rooted in everythhg will work out for the best, but sometimes that just isn’t the case.

What if your child is disabled or has special needs? Having a baby alone is just about the hardest thing you can do, as a young woman. Having a baby even in the best of circumstances is life changing and is brutally tiring, and a massive responsibility.

Your chance to get married, have a family together and be fully supported will be gone. It’s a very tough and lonely road to choose, if you are going to do this alone op. Most women wouldn’t knowingly choose this route. There are no guarantees either man will remain in the picture, and most likely they will settle down eisewhere with their own wives and families in time. You may not be a priority for anyone.

A baby is a life time commitment. I width you luck

Personally I would have a termination and try a relationship with Leo. You are young and have plenty of time to have children when your life is more settled.
Ultimately it is your decision but solo parenting is HARD. Parenting is even hard with a 100% supportive father involved.

I had one and don't regret it at all. I don't think DH and I would have stayed together (it was when we were both very young) if we had gone ahead then. BUt now we are married with 2 kids.

@InsectsMatter she is 26 so I am sure that will have the opportunity to get pregnant at some time in future. I am your age and I have seen plenty of lives blighted by women being landed as the sole caregiver as the men walk off into the sunset to the echoes of "I'll step up" and "I'll pay child support". I mean at her age, I wouldn't even be sure that her earnings would cover the cost of childcare, rent, and all those little essentials babies need, like nappies. Money which seems absolutely ample for a single person goes much less far when there is a child involved. I haven't had a termination myself but I am glad to live in a country where they are available and legal.

I'm also in my 60s and am aware of 6 friends/relatives who had an abortion and none of them regretted it, so I don't think your point stands up to much scrutiny.

Just wanted to say, I know you are, statistically, ready and able to continue this pregnancy and as much as you are trying to divorce the decision from the men...you aren't doing so. The PP are right, there is a baby and the next 18+years to consider, let alone relationships as they grow with the paternal partner and biological dad (could go either way).

So please heed the advice on here whether you want this baby, what does life after maternity look like, are you prepared to be a mum on your own if it came down to it? What if Adam/ Leo s a great dad and then meet someone else?

It has to come down to that.

There is nothing wrong with keeping or letting go of this pregnancy but none of this decision should be linked with either male, due to the relationships as you have described.

It has to be about you and potentially another human being, you will need to look after (hopefully safely, securely and most of all without drama).

I am younger than you, my mum is older than you. We both know of, and have friends who have had abortions. Your reference to "one chance" is interesting. Both of us had very very much reduced chances, yet and we cherished the one chance (although it wasn't only one unfortunately). I believe women have the right to choose, personal conjecture isn't relevant.

Well @ForeverHopeful3 that's not quite fair - it's unplanned from a drunken incident with a chap who isn't partner material. That alone would make me terminate - unless I was late 30s and desperately wanted children with a chap with whom I had little in common. She is young and has plenty of chances to have a wanted child with two committed parents with some financial security living in the same house and focussed on that child.

An embryo is not a baby. The pregnancy may not even be viable.

Not a very convincing try, OP…

There's your answer.

Go find somewhere else to do this.

Saying it with kind intentions, but this attitude leaves you vulnerable to pretty dodgy decision making. I don't think it's fair to anyone (not even yourself) to make important decisions with this attitude.

Well nature itself ends pregnancies. The miscarriage rate is 10-20% and often it is because something is wrong with the foetus. So it doesn't get with the belief that a baby is a baby from the moment it is conceived.

Because by the time we realised what had happened it had been too long

So what? It doesn’t make me a bad person and if that’s the worst mistake I make in my life I think I’m doing okay.

I think a lot of people are fixated on the Leo thing as well. It’s hard to explain without getting into a ton of details that aren’t really relevant here but we were both going through a lot - personally and professionally. It wasn’t healthy for us to be in a relationship at that time because neither of us were coping very well. From all appearances yesterday Leo does seem to be doing better and it’s obviously something we need to discuss more. I’ve been to therapy, and worked on myself a lot in the last year, and feel I am a better person now.

Kindly, OP, this baby will dramatically change your life. Yes, you have a good job—will you be able to continue FT as a single parent? Have you researched how much your local nurseries cost? It’s usually more than a mortgage. Many men won’t want to date a single mum. As for those who will date a single mum…I would advise taking a tour around MN to see the calibre of men who live with single mums, and the torment their presence causes in the lives of these step children. It’s eye-opening. Tread very carefully—you are very young still.

What is dude baby?
Are pro lifers getting all urban, down wiv da kids,innit?