I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

@IAmInAPickle you say you’re well supported by family and friends. Please talk to someone IRL about this. Every woman / circumstance is different . Yes you have an unconventional situation but that doesn’t mean you won’t be a great Mum and enjoy having a child. It’s the best thing I ever did whilst also being the hardest thing I ever did 😂 Lots of people that have children in conventional situations which seem the perfect set up find it’s all too challenging for various reasons.

There’s never a perfect time to have a child. I do agree with lots of pp that the child should ideally be wanted. I’ve not read the full thread and only your posts and I have to say the thing that you seem to want most is Leo right now. And maybe that’s because Leo is tangible and the baby isn’t really just yet but also maybe that’s because you just have other priorities at age 26 which I did too. There’s nothing work with accepting that and making a decision based on that. If you do decide to have this baby - the baby will be the most important things in your life forever. Not Leo or whoever may come after. And I’m sure this has already been said but little babies as gorgorus and lovely as they are are also a huge cause of relationship break ups because they demand all of you. Your life changes immeasurably in ways you can’t imagine unless you have an incredible support system who are basically happy to raise the child with you. I say this just to say even if Leo wants to stay around and things are great in pregnancy once the baby is here that may change and as others have said your decision if it is to keep the baby should be made thinking that Leo won’t be around.

Good luck 🤍

This is such a ridiculous reason to break up. I genuinely don’t understand why intense careers caused so much upheaval to a relationship that two people who loved each other couldn’t work through it? If you can’t support each other through challenging times that doesn’t bode well for the relationship in general. I don’t have any faith it would work out with Leo but your gut seems to be telling you that you’d rather abort and give him a go than keep the baby so there’s your answer. I’ve had an abortion and so have several friends and none of us have regretted it fwiw.

Two things that may help:

1. My therapist gave me a very good “gut check”test when struggling to decide between two life changing choices like this. This was actually in the context of taking the ultimate high flying career job in the US and moving (doing long distance for a few years with my husband), or staying with my husband here and starting a family. He told me to physically notice how I felt when I imagined accepting the job, just the physical sensations - any flicker of anxiety? When I then imagined turning down the job and starting a family my entire body relaxed. That answered the question. Try it for this too. He said to imagine my child on the sofa next to me.

2. I think before any of this though you really need to get clear on what Leo’s intentions are. I would consider directly telling him how his message made you feel, tell him your current situation and ask him what he wants. Is this the real deal for him now and is he ready to settle down and start a family, and if not what is it he wants? I broke up with an ex for 3.5 years, he wasn’t ready to settle down and we got back together years later. Cards on the table, he told me his timeline, he stuck to it and we are married about to start IVF

Actually a third point. 3) as other posters have suggested really really get clear on how you would feel as a single parent (even with an active co parent) and if that’s what you want for your future. That’s another good gut check point

good luck

😂That makes it sound like the plot of an easy read novel in which the heroine's true love shows just how much he cares by agreeing to raise the other guy's child and loving it like his own because he realises that he loves her beyond words. This did actually happen to a friend of mine many years ago!

I think the only thing you can do, if you want yo keep the baby, is to be open and honest with both men, and keep on being so throughout all the major changes that will happen. Include in this double checking that they really are on the same page as you - does Adam really not feel anything for you except friendship and see? What does co parent really mean to him? How will it be if you start a new relationship with Leo? How will Leo feel with you inevitably being so enmeshed with Adam? And so on. Personally I think thstvrekindling your relationship with Leo should be far down the priority list until things are more sorted out with the baby and parenting arrangements; then uou might both have a clearer idea of what will be needed from both of you.

You’re young, there is plenty of time for a family. Go out and enjoy your life.

I say this but actually my mother was you and my bio dad was Adam. My adopted dad is Leo…

They were all young like you and at the early stages of high flying careers and I do sometimes think, (objectively of course!!) that my mother made life hard for herself. She and Leo then waited ten years before having their own offspring so they were effectively raising children for over 30 years. I wouldn’t have done it, personally though obviously, I am grateful that she did.

"I was leaning towards keeping the baby, until Leo texted me". LEANING??? "At no point did i say abortion" - So, if not an abortion, you were going to carry the baby full term and then, what, put it up for adoption? Surplus to requirements? Lordy be, you're not fit to have a hamster let alone a small human! Terminate the foetus, terminate adam, maybe spend a bit of time maturing. DO NOT acquire any small pets.

Well, call me old fashioned but whatever happened to marriage and creating a stronger base before having a child. If real, The OP needs to seriously grow up.

I had a child whose father was the wrong man (in so many ways) and it was clear from the off that he was not capable of co-parenting. It was very, very hard at times being a single parent, physically tiring, emotionally draining, financially (I was made redundant and was unemployed for 6 months). There are times that I wished I’d had a traditional relationship, pregnancy, life etc. but despite all the negatives, being a parent is more joy and love than I can describe and my DS is still the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.

Do you think you can rekindle a romance while being pregnant with another man's child? If Adam is involved, there will be beautiful moments you share that Leo will be solidly removed from. In 9mo time, people will be pointing out features of you and Adam they can see in your newborn. Perhaps Leo will be around to help out with the sleepless nights or perhaps he'll just see you when the baby's with his dad (or if you can have family have baby for a night). How do you see that working out?

I'm sure people have done it and it's worked out fine but it seems much more likely to end in tears, imo. I think for the best possible outcome you pick one. Continuing the pregnancy or pursuing things with Leo. Which one can you live without?

is Adam just a good fuck boy? What realistically would he want to do with this baby which isn’t his?!

I would be leaning towards establishing a good relationship with someone, could be Adam or whoever, making sure that is great and having a baby in the future with them. There’s no reason why you cannot achieve that, but having a baby alone now might mean you have to do it all alone, and men might simply not be interested in you for a while. Which doesn’t matter if you will be fulfilled by parenthood

I don't think having a child in this situation is a good idea.

There's so many ways this will impact your future.

It's not his???

It is his. I think the PP got confused.

Block the ex.

@IAmInAPickle

You said you didn't use a condom but why didn't you get the morning after pill?

Well, that's helpful. 🙄

No one should destroy you for that. We all make mistakes. You are young and have so much time to have a baby. A baby with a stable partner is a big decision/ massively life changing responsibility.A baby on your own is 100 x more daunting. You will have no free time and no freedom whatsoever for a very long time and an overwhelming feeling of responsibility forever. People will help and it’s not all doom and gloom of course but the reality is very different from the fantasy. If you continue with the pregnancy you have to be prepared for that to be your reality. Another thing to consider would be whether the father could potentially be a dick head at any point. Could he be controlling or just a dick in any way. Because you will be stuck with him in your life. Leo isn’t gonna want to make it work unless he’s extremely understanding and maybe a bit odd? I dunno 🤔. But honestly. Consider whether your party/ holidaying/ selfish days are over before making the huge decision to bring a child into the world. Millions of mothers regret having children. They love their children but have said they regretted it. It’s not all fun. I am not one of those women. Thank god. But it’s fucking hard. Also. Look up the cost of raising a child 😭

Because she didn’t. Bore off

"ginasevern · Today 18:23

IAmInAPickle · Today 18:16
A termination just feels so final. So forever. But then so does saying no to Leo. Because what if? I don’t know which what if would be worse

If you really, desperately wanted to be a mother then Leo wouldn't even come into the equation. You would happily wave goodbye to him and just be over the moon at being pregnant. The fact that you're even thinking the romance with Leo might be more important than having a baby says it all really. It means you are not ready for the life long commitment of a child at this stage in your life."

This with bells on. You have said a few times things which indicate that right now, your priority is working out whether you might have a future with Leo and that this perhaps matters more to you than bringing a child into the world right now. And that is completely fair enough. I've never had to have an abortion but I have friends who have and it has been in situations similar to yours where - for various reasons - their life was not sufficiently settled for them to bring a child into it. And that appears to be your situation - although you think you could afford a child, your life is emotionally quite unsettled.

My friends who had abortions all went on to have children years later, when they were financially and emotionally settled and the timing was generally much better.

I find it disappointing when people say everything in their life happens for a reason. If someone were to say that they prefer to ascribe a reason to everything, or that it helps them to view life that way, I could just about accept it though I think it’s a very flawed way to approach things. Maybe if someone said that they try to give meaning to whatever happens to them, to make something from it? To say that it actually happens for a reason though… can you explain further? I genuinely am interested because I don’t understand why you would think this.

Presumably you don’t believe that this is something that only applies to you. You must see it as a universal thing, that everything in every person’s life happens for a reason? Otherwise what would the process be…although what would it be anyway?

‘Everything has a cause’ make more sense to me…but a reason…what is a reason other than signifcance you have ascribed to something? It’s not a religious viewpoint you have said. So I am wondering what is behind this ‘reason’? Is there an external force that has some plan for you?

It’s a fair question because she clearly wasn’t so drunk that she did not realise or remember afterwards what had happened. Most people who were trying to prevent pregnancy would have this absolutely front to mind, top of to do list, unless they were against using the MAP which doesn’t seem like the case for OP. It’s not the sort of thing that just slips your mind. So it’s reasonable to think that choosing not to seek the MAP may have been significant in some way.

It’s unlikely Leo woukd want to get involved in this.

This sounds like a lot to work out on your own, and whilst Mumsnet can be a useful sounding board I wonder if it would be worth approaching somewhere like BPAS and see if they can offer some counselling sessions before you make a decision?

An abortion is of course a huge decision and I think it is important that you base it as best as you can on what you genuinely believe is right for you and the potential baby, vs the men in your lives because once it is done then of course there is no going back which could be pretty brutal if you weren't 100%.

I am absolutely pro choice and this does sound like a situation where I would be quite worried. I was married when I had my eldest, very much wanted pregnancy. Pre pregnancy I was happy with ex husband and did not have concerns then it all went very wrong but regardless he is still in my life for well forever. Once our DC is older then yes he will be much less involved but ultimately we are tied together.

I wish you so much love and care for whichever path you choose and do hope you can find some good support IRL.