I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

You can’t make those big life decisions that affect an actual baby in an hour in the pub!

I mean, what happened? You revealed all, he offered his life long support whatever you decide and then drained his pint and said “right, see you around” and you went home to post on MN?

Complete work of dodgy rom com fiction.

Exactly what I was thinking

26 is very young. You’ve got more than a decade of good baby-making years ahead. If you have the baby, you probably won’t regret it (though some do), but you might look back in 10 years and regret not having had the opportunity to travel, party, build your life a bit more without the huge constraints a small person places around your own choices. And you might find, if neither of these relationships works out, that it’s harder to meet someone when you’re a single parent. That’s been the case for me, even though I have a great job, am well paid, have a nice house etc. I like my life, but it’s not the life I imagined I’d have at 50, when I was 26.

Nonsence, I know plenty of couples that dated, broke up, dated or married other people and then found each other again and got married happily ever after. My parents for one.

On the basis of your anecdotal experience are you confident in saying that Leo will DEFINITELY knuckle down for the long haul step parenting a child whilst rebuilding a relationship which has been abandoned once already? I don’t think anyone can say that. So the sensible advice is: if she has the baby, do it on the basis that she’ll be a single parent. Anything else is a bonus.

I'm having doubts about some of this, especially the drink in the pub and hey- life sorted!

Really?

This. Whether it's this baby or one you cook up between the two of you, Leo is a non-starter as a potential co-parent. When the going gets tough, you mutually agreed it was tough and gave up.

My relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses before I had a kid - we had years of experience of dealing with any issues. And having a baby was STILL hard.

I already said this in an earlier post. I personally would terminate and give it a go with Leo. Not bring a baby into my life I only half want with a man I don't care about and never have.

Do you 'own' a house or have a mortgage?

The average house price is around £270,000 which either means you're in a 6-figure role or you are living where housing is cheap.

How would this work with Leo? Would he share the costs? Is his job safe and is he likely to stay in the same area?

I’d suggest contacting the BPAS and booking an appointment to talk this through with someone independent.

There are a lot of judgmental pearl clutchers here op
sorry you’re experiencing so much judgment at a vulnerable and hormonal time

I strongly advise that you self refer to an abortion charity and ask them for counselling to help you decide. I did this and they were brilliant, they helped me unpick my strange feelings about wanting a baby and soon but not wanting to have one in the current circumstance with that man, and unpick all the worries that made me feel I ‘should’ go ahead by picking up the things I was saying that made it clear I didn’t want to right now and that was ok.

Lots of people will tell you what they would do but they are not you living your life- only a professional trained counsellor can really help you unpick your own views.
however, I do agree with pp that you need to be prepared to finance and care for the baby totally alone as no support is guaranteed despite his promises

i wouldn’t go back to either of the men I’d do a little bit of therapy and then find a new one if I was in her shoes age 26 and child free

I think like others say, you might need to ‘forget’ about Leo / Adam when thinking about keeping the baby. Suppose you end up with Leo, or any other man for that matter and you might settle down, have a wonderful wedding and house but what if you can’t conceive when you’re 31, 32, 33? How would you feel? Would you regret aborting the baby at 26? You may not, and it’s a genuine question. I ask because my husband and I conceived unexpectedly. We are stable (sure we don’t own a house but we rent one which did freak me out) but I thought to myself ‘ we might get our dream home in 5 years but what if we have everything but the one thing I can’t have is a child?’

I work in city law. Yes I have a mortgage. Leo is financially stable.

exactly. "everything happens for a reason" translates to me as "making a logical and honest decision is hard, being responsible for the consequences of my decision is harder, so I will opt out of responsibility and pretend some mysterious 'fate' has a better idea than I do, so I can take the path of least resistnace right now.

OP you have to woman up, face your actions and their consequences, and think this through, as in next 50 years through. And accept that you will most likely not ever be able to be certain you are doing the 'right' thing. That is not information you can ever have.

If you plan to go ahead with the pregnancy - and in my view you absolutely do have a choice - do your best to inform yourself of the reality of that path (plenty of discussion of that on here).

But as pps say, the decision is really primarily about the pregnancy. About you, your life, your livelihood, your social support. Do not make any decisions on the basis that Leo might be back in your life. Decide about the pregnancy for its own sake.

I had an abortion and didn’t regret it because I really really didn’t want the baby.

I also had a baby and didn’t regret it because at that stage in my life I really wanted and was ready to be a mother.

My experience with men is that they can’t be relied upon.

If a text from an old flame is enough to turn your head - you don’t want this child.

Hmm this sounds like a movie plot.

Don't make a decision based on a text from an ex. This decision should be based on whether you want motherhood or not with possibility that 'Adam' may coparent but still you as the mother (according to statistics) will be doing the lion's share of the work. Research motherhood, listen to your gut, speak to mum's you trust and respect, speak more with Adam, find out what his family are like if you can. The focus should be on choosing motherhood and possibly lone parenthood or not. Once you have made your decision, then you can think about what to do with Leo. Good luck XXX

Until a few posters pointed out the timeline .. I hadn’t assumed this was a bit far-fetched.
OP made her post, in her role in “city law” just before 15:00 today .. and has already met and discussed with “Adam” in a pub (she didn’t mention this was due to happen notably) and presumably is sailing off into the sunset.
Wish I had t shared personal details before noting this.

Because you got so blotto as to not put a condom on Adam's dick and then didn't take the emergency pill the following day.

Ok, good. That is how I read it: that the ball was in Leo's court and he should decide whether it would be ok for you to keep the baby or not. Apologies for the misinterpretation.

You need to separate the baby and Leo.

They are 2 different things.

You need to decide whether you want a baby right now (I actually don’t think that you do).

Do not base your decision of keeping the baby around Leo.

You and Leo did not work.
Chances are you won’t work again.

There is also a high chance that you may resent Leo in the future if you struggle to get pregnant and blame’ him for taking away your chance - you may think that will never happen but multiple threads on here say otherwise.

Or the opposite may be true, that you choose to keep the baby and then resent it for not being able to be with Leo - again this has happened many times.

If you want a man or to travel over a baby, then you obviously don’t want a baby right now - and that’s completely fine but you cannot make this life changing decision based on Leo and whether you may or may not get back with him.

Don’t have the baby. You still love your ex and that’s what you want. If you have it the other guy will be in your life forever whether you want that or not. It’s just not the right time. Having a baby is hard enough when you’re with the perfect person. I’m sure you could do it alone but it’s best to have someone with you