I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

Horrible dilemma for you, OP. I feel for you.

It has to be your decision alone. However, could this be your answer? Because both men may be out of the picture in the longer-term, baby or not.

Adam’s out of the picture romantically, but sounds (at face value) like he’d be a willing and supportive co-parent. So potentially good father material and you’re already pregnant with him. What are his family like? What sort of future partner may he end up with? Could that work for you?

Leo, on the other hand, was out of the picture: mutually ended your relationship. What were his reasons? How strongly did he feel you should end it? There’s a risk you’ll rekindle, all will be good but he’ll keep stalling you on children, maybe wanting a wedding first, then a couple of years after as a couple etc. Then, it could break down with him a second time by which time you’re in your early 30s and heartbroken once again. Or you could struggle to conceive with Leo.

At very least try to talk to Leo before you make a decision. About when he’d ideally want to become a father and how he sees that working in terms of childcare, housework etc. Think about how you get on with his family. IMHO don’t tell him you’re pregnant - and certainly not until you’ve decided for sure what you want to do.

But you could maybe ask him if he’d ever feel comfortable being with a woman who already had a child - you could say one of your ‘friends’ is pregnant but has got back with a man who’s deliberating whether he wants to be with her if she has the baby (white lie to find out his true feelings).

You never know, he might say it wouldn’t bother him. And if it would bother him, and he says if it was him he’d tell the person he could only be with them if they didn’t go ahead with the pregnancy, would he be the man for you?

No. Not at all.

Op as a pp above mentioned (who has a severely disabled DC) there’s always the what ifs of severe disability or death of a child.
Im sorry to throw that in the mix but thinking about your situation just made me feel I have to mention the possibilities that are the worst that could happen to a mother (I’ve had/have both).
Both with the same man I’m married to - but we started off where I was pregnant early on and I had an abortion for the sort of reasons you are involved in (minus the potential true love). I struggled with the abortion at the time but I never regretted it. Even after what came next with children with the same man.
Having children is not just the what do I do if they get very sick and I’m sick or if I lose my job…, it’s everything. All the horror. Or all the potential joy.
It’s a tough decision.
I wish you all the best!

I agree with this. Even with the "right" person there will be plenty of not great times - in the grand scheme of life, both partners having full-on jobs counts as good times really.

I think that can be quite easy to say until you’ve experienced it

So in 90 minutes you’ve met Leo and had a really good chat in which you discussed your FWB Adam and the pregnancy, he fully supports you, a decision he made in just minutes but you’ve just remembered you both love travel so, erm.

Then you hopped straight back to MN to tell us?

Where the fuck is Leo and how come you aren’t still talking to him instead of strangers on the internet?

If this is real then no, I’d say neither of you are mature enough

You clearly want this baby!
it doesn’t really matter much about Adam and Leo. They will come and go, be inconsistent and won’t be invested in bringing up a child.

you are!
you want this!
do not give up your child!

We chatted at a pub round the corner from my home.

Yes i updated here because I don’t have anyone else to turn to for advice at the moment.

Absolutely ridiculous @Wrenjay. No.

So Leo says he would support you whatever you decide, but then goes on to talk about all the things he wants to do with you that wouldn't be possible with a baby...?

I experienced the feeling a lot when I was younger.

Until I matured a bit and realised the reasons why these guys were never the “right person”.

Honestly OP, please stop romanticising this. You need to start thinking rationally. By all means if you want to give things with Leo a go whilst caring for a newborn baby to another man, then go ahead! But it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. It’s going to be hard, emotional, exhausting and complicated. If you’re prepared for that then do it.

Men come and go
a child is for all of your life, your family , your everything

What does it mean for Leo to support you? I mean he doesn’t have a say. It’s unlikely that means anything. I can’t imagine he’d have a relationship with you or help out.

In addition to all the other points made by people here on how you’d feel if you terminated and it didn’t work out with Leo, I also think it’s worth considering the pressure you/he would feel in that relationship knowing “she terminated a pregnancy for me”. It’s quite a lot for either of you to bear and could lead to unmet expectations, resentment etc. I think it quite dooms your chances with Leo really.

You have got rose tinted specs on regarding Leo. You broke up for a reason. You sound as though you believe you were meant to be. If you were then you would have been. You weren’t.

OP you need to terminate this pregnancy. If you wanted this baby, really really wanted it, you wouldn’t be entertaining the Leo stuff. You are just getting started in your career, you want to go travelling. Sure, you want children, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a baby now. It is not the right time, it is not the right circumstance. Having a baby is like a bomb going off in your life, you have no idea how hard it is, however maternal you think you might be. I always wanted kids. No way would I have continued a pregnancy by a FWB in my mid 20s. I’m now 39 and pregnant with my third, and love being a mum - parenthood will come to you later if you still want it. FFS don’t do it now.

I’m really interested in what job you were doing in your early twenties that left you too busy for your soulmate? People that age can generally manage a job and a relationship, because they have relatively few other drains on their time. Even people I know who worked for one of the big four, or trained to be doctors, could manage a relationship.

The whole post sounds like a sitcom to me! The young go-getting career woman too busy for a man; the “one” who got away, “not the right time”; later believing he’s your soulmate, but by then accidentally pregnant to the guy you’re having a fling with…

Also you said you weren’t considering an abortion but have since repeatedly said you’re likely to choose Leo over the baby. So what are we to make of that?

But men aside, I don’t know why you’d have a baby with a man you don’t love when you’re 26 and have all the time in the world to bring a baby into a good situation. An on site crèche is not going to make being a single parent a walk in the park. I say this as an overachieving former workaholic with a one year old daughter and the most helpful partner in the world, who has still found parenting to be exhausting.

Sounds like you’d like to keep the baby. So I would keep it. I was pregnant once, with my second child, while my marriage was crumbling. Not much older than you are now, at the time. I got as far as the Marie Stopes clinic when I decided that if I terminated the pregnancy, my marriage was definitely over because I’d never forgive him (he was the one saying get a termination), and if I went ahead with the pregnancy either the marriage would or wouldn’t work. The marriage ended by the time my baby was 1. She’s 21 now. I don’t regret it, never have. But I can’t lie, it was very hard being a single parent, holding down a decent job. Trying to build a new relationship years later, which also failed because ex couldn’t cope with being a step-parent (and then had an affair and left).

It sounds like you have your life together and can support this child if you want to have it. Make your decision on the basis of being a single parent. A revived relationship with Leo may or may not work out in the long term. But I hope it does.

Of course I've experienced it! My husband and I met in our twenties, we were travelling for work, and we had several years of grabbing evenings here and there when we could.

Compared with subsequent seasons in our lives (bereavement, ill health, redundancy, all whilst caring for, worrying about and keeping a brave face for our young children) those early years were some of the easiest.

It seems obvious what you're going to do. Right for the baby but a really telling indicator of you as a person.

The reason is Leo is lonely and youre his what if too. Everything may happen for a reason, but sometimes the reason is youre daft and make stupid decisions.

But despite the heartbreak he did leave you. Whats really changed between you? Once you decided whatever it is you wanted that meant more than Leo and he agreed.

Tbh you could abort this pregnacy and Leo might change his mind if he knew you were pregnant or ended it "for him", he might agree to try again and 2 years down the line leave you again. He might stand by you if you continue the pregnancy. Theres a whole heap of variables you cant predict and I dont think you should make a decision about your body, your future and your pregnancy based on your feeling things happen for a reason. Even if that was true (who knows) doesnt mean either that this is one of those things or that its a good reason.

Ignore the men in this, the question is just do you want to continue this pregnancy? Thats the only choice that matters

On the other hand, regarding the whole Leo and you being in a “right person, wrong time” scenario - that’s nonsense. If you/he wanted to, you would have. You didn’t so you didn’t. Once you have a baby, you’re the one who will most likely end up rearing that child if Leo once again decides that you’re the “right person” but the circumstances are not for him. So if you do it, go into it with your eyes wide open on that front.

Genuinely, if I was in your position, I probably wouldn’t keep the baby, I wouldn’t purposely put myself in a single parent / co-parenting situation if I had a choice in the matter. If you want to give it another shot with Leo then go for it! But I wouldn’t base my entire decision off that because you do not know if you two will even work out a second time.

Sounds like you wanted 'something' that you knew you weren't going to get from Adam so you went for a baby because you've 'always wanted one'
So filling that space seemed a good option but now your 'soulmate' is back so unprotected sex isn't looking like the solution it was a couple of weeks ago.
Honestly, no matter what Leo says, he's not going to love that Adam is going to be involved in your lives forever if you have a baby.

Do whatever you want, either option is a valid choice but I don't think you understand the reality of having a baby with someone you've been shagging for 5 mins and are not going to be in a relationship with. Unless Leo can't handle the 'situation' in the end and you figure you may as well settle for Adam.

Anyway, like I said, either option is valid, you just need to lose this romanticised version of life you seem to have and face up to the reality of what's going on. You rolled the dice, got what you wanted and now it maybe wasn't such a great idea

Jeez. That poor baby never stood a chance the second your little crush (and he is very much just a crush or you would both have worked out the first time round) sent you a message.
I’m very much pro choice but you sound like a fawning teenager where Leo is concerned and it’s really quite pathetic.
Grow up.