I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

I absolutely did NOT say that Leo should make the decision regarding her body or her pregnancy! I meant that Leo can decide if he still wants to be with OP regardless of her pregnancy or not, hence the ball being in his court.

OP's pregnancy itself is nothing to do with Leo.

Even if OP does not continue with the pregnancy, because she wants to get back with Leo, she absolutely should disclose the pregnancy to him. It would be deceitful to not be honest about it, and he's likely to find out at some point and probably not be happy that she wasn't truthful with him.

I'm sorry that my "ball being in Leo's court" comment was open to misunderstanding.

I agree with this

OP: imagine what it would be like when Adam settles down quite quickly with someone who is never cruel but never warm towards your child, so that your child always feels not quite welcome in their father's family, from being a toddler onwards.

Imagine that Adam goes on to have a few more children and you don't, which hurts. And that he cuts child maintenance with every additional child. And that he never agrees to weekend sports/music classes because it's 'his time with his child' - throwing it all onto you.

Imagine that you disagree about school choice, vaccines, bedtimes, sugary drinks, braces - and the disagreements never get resolved, just lead to long exhausting debates.

Imagine that Adam says he can't afford to contribute towards a school trip and the next thing you know he's on a two-week family holiday in Mexico, which turns out to be paid for by his partner, who will only take their joint children along.

Imagine Adam stopping child maintenance the minute your child turns 18, and giving it directly to your child, who blows every penny. And then decides to retrain as a counsellor when your child is half-way through university just because he feels like it - and says he can't continue financial support.

All of these conflicts are low-level but not uncommon at all, and grind people down.

With or without the boyfriends. Going ahead alone with an accidental pregnancy at 25 yrs willingly, will alter every single choice you have for the rest of your life.
IMHO, its a mistake

Okay, me and Leo have had a really good chat.

Firstly, I’m not too sure why people think im going to jump into bed with Leo and then lie to him?! It would be pretty cruel to all involved. Adam already knows.

secondly, he was surprised. This isn’t like me, but he wasn’t angry. He reiterated the same sentiments as Adam. He supports my decision no matter what, but then we got to chatting about life and everything that’s happened in the last year and it just reminded me why I like him so much. We have a shared love for travel, we share so many interests and so many things that wouldn’t be possible with a child.

he wants a proper go of things. I know a lot of people think “right person wrong time” isn’t possible but I truly believe it is. We’ve both grown a lot in the past year, but we still fit together so well.

I have some thinking to do, but I think my mind is being slowly made up.

Jeez, you shouldn't be picking a life partner or future step-father of your child based on what memes they post!

🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm glad you're following this train of thought. It's the right one for you at this time, regardless of whether you and Leo are ultimately meant to be

I didn’t say which memes he posts, did I?

Best of luck deciding. I think it’s one of those decisions regardless of which way you go that can leave you later saying “what if” when times are hard, so be easy on yourself.

You’ve said a few times that you want kids - if you mean plural then be aware it could be harder to achieve having this baby as it’s much harder to find a man to have a child with when you already have a child.

I think the opposite, if you’re not absolutely convinced you want a baby now then don’t have one. My personal view is you should be absolutely sure a baby is wanted before bringing them into the world.

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 26 with someone I was in a relationship with and he was a “nice” person. I had a great career and savings etc. He left during the pregnancy and I had no support during raising of my child and only contact was him coming to occasionally argue and cause trouble. Child is severely disabled and I have had to give up my career to look after them. My savings are dwindled to basically nothing. I have no time to even consider a relationship with anyone. Friends drop off because they are in very different stages of their life now. My entire life has become caring for a child that will never live independently. If I could go back and speak to myself then then I’d say to think about this very carefully. There is no way of knowing what the future holds and you need to plan for all possibilities.

marry me

It sounds like you should go ahead with a termination. Having a baby is great, but even with finances and family support, being a single parent is tough. Trust me, i’ve done it for years. I don’t regret any of mine (and I had my first at 16) but you do need to think long and hard before going into a pregnancy knowing you’d be doing it single handedly. I guess you have to prepare mentally for terminating, and the relationship doesn’t rekindle as you imagine. That’s a gamble you need to decide if you want to take. Good luck.

Really good points.

Well it sounds like the fling doesn’t want a relationship and neither will Leo once he knows you’re pregnant with someone else so what are you having to decide?!

There’s something else for you to consider, if you give it another go with this man and have a termination, you might want to ask yourself how you would feel if he then at a later date decided you weren’t right for him after all. There are absolutely no guarantees in life, you are still both very young, so think very carefully about what you’re doing, or would be doing, in order to hold on to this man.

It would still be the right decision even if it doesn’t work out with Leo.

OP has plenty of time to have kids with someone who wants them too.

How will you feel if it doesn’t work out with Leo about the abortion?

there are many good reasons to have an abortion you don’t seem to fit so I suggest accessing the counselling because you need it

He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

I’m sorry, but this makes you sound incredibly naive. If he was the “right person” there would have never been the “wrong time”.

If you are going to keep the baby- then all your attention needs to go on the baby, not potential romantic partners. This isn’t a fairytale. It’s real life.

If you and Leo didn’t have time for each other without a child then there’s no chance in hell that you’ll have time for each other now when baby comes along.

I don't see how 2 years ago you weren't able to give enough of yourself to sustain a relationship with a self-sufficient adult, but now you're able to support an entirely dependent child.

You've also said that you've dropped hours at work because of your side income. Would you definitely be able to continue that side income as a single mum? Because all those amazing maternity benefits you think your job offers will be much less on part-time hours.

@IAmInAPickle ...Well - if you truly believe that you and Leo are soulmates and it's your chance to re-kindle, than it's your answer.

It's not a good idea to have a baby with a FWB, a baby that happened by mistake. Not at 26yo anyway. Not when you can still form a relationship and have children as a dual parent family.

Yes - it's a final decision, but so are most important decisions - they put your life in a particular order.

...If you chose to have a baby - you can't give it a go with your soulmate. It's also pretty final.
...If you chose to give it a go with Leo - you can't do that while having someone else's baby. It won't work.

OP I have a story, a friend of mine got pregnant when she had just been seeing a guy. It wasnt the right time for either of them. They terminated. But they kept seeing each other and now have been happily married for 15 years with 2 kids and fantastic lives. They decided that it was just the wrong time to have a baby. They wanted to build their relationship first and they did. The pressure of having baby so early on would have ruined all their plans possibly destroyed their relationship and neither were 100 percent sure that they wanted a baby at at that time. So they terminated and then built on life together first. It sounds similar to you but with the added complication that the baby isnt even with the man you want to try and build a relationship with. Sometimes you can get swept away with confusing emotions, but put your hard hat on and look realistically at what you want to do with your life. It seems from your posts your heart is with Leo and aside from knowing you want kids at some point, you don't really have a deep desire to have a baby right now.

Sorry to only be getting back to this now, but yes, that’s exactly how I read it: that keeping the baby was appealing until a text from Leo.

Just catching up and haven’t read the full thread, but wanted to say thanks for getting why I thought that Handmethegun…, and no offence was meant to OP!

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be the right decision, but it’s something that could happen and she at least needs to think about it. I’m pretty sure she’s already made up her mind.

Is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome possible? We know they were both drunk and alcohol is bad during pregnancy, but is it a risk at the time OP was fertile and conceived?