I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

If you were soul mates then you wouldn’t have give each other up, people make things work if it means enough and you didn’t. So imo you probably won’t last long term (again)

Mumsnet, where the accidental pregnancy is still hard to fathom 😂

If you keep baby you need to be honest about the parentage. No mad plans or deception
Adam will potentially want to be involved with his child. He also need to financially contribute
Going forward plan your birth control better and don’t leave it to chance or you’ll end up pg again. Things don’t happen for a woo boo reason, things happen randomly and frequently people draw or infer association or pattern that don’t exist

apologies @CrystalShoe inadvertently tagged and replied to your message

Having a child is ALL consuming for two decades. It will bring out the worst in you, and if you’re lucky and a thoughtful kind of person who can truly rise to a challenge, it may bring out the best in you, too, in the long run. If you’re not mature now, you’ll likely grow up very quickly with that level of responsibility. But if there’s any chance you might hold it against the child for preventing you from living a different life, then don’t become a mother.

I didn't say it was too young to have a baby, but too young for this individual. Having a baby alone is a stupid and irresponsible thing to do, when you're more concerned about your texts from your ex and didn't particularly want a baby before

I'm amazed that a 26-year-old is at a career stage where they have their own property and feel established in their career. That's extremely fortunate.

Still, I think the OP is under-rating how risky and precarious life is.

I've seen many people established whose careers were then up-ended by a partner getting a job offer overseas, or the company deciding to close its UK branch, or suddenly moving to a different city.

A solicitor friend's career ended after the financial crisis in the late 2000s and they were offered the chance of starting again at the bottom with the newly-qualified, or taking a redundancy payment.

People have also been hit by sudden health issues that came out of nowhere.

The OP has to plan for their career plateauing - maternity leave ends surprisingly quickly and then you have to fit everything in to what you can do during nursery hours. By the time you've collected them, done bed and bath and eaten, it's 10pm. And babies don't sleep through consistently for a really long time.

Besides that: I've just done 3 hours of school and activity run, and now have to finish some work while supervising homework. It's not a cute baby any more but a very resentful child who says I'm ruining their life.

It's relentless - being able to share the load for our children with my DP means I just keep my head above water, though exhausted and often failing on every front. And that is with all our advantages and good luck.

Single parenthood is all this but backwards and in heels - it isn't the Gilmore Girls.

How old are you? To anyone over 26, yes, it is. It certainy isn't baby last chance saloon time and certainly not a time to have a baby without a father when you weren't particularly bothered about having one before and would rather get back with your ex

You are absolutely not a terrible person and you are also not a terrible person if you did consider abortion (i do understandnot everyone will agree with it though). You are still very early on, but it needs to be for the right reason. Hearing from your ex shouldn't be a reason. You need to be careful that you aren't just in love with the idea of him. A lot can change over a year and you aren't the same people you would have been when you split up. Reading your comments, if he really is your soul mate and if things are happening for a reason then you telling him you are pregnant will be a big test of that. Regardless of the choice you make I think you should tell him that you are pregnant, He will either walk away or he may stay. But if you do start a relationship again with him you do not want to hide this what ever your decision is. I don't think you are being immature here. I think most people in your situation would be extremely torn and scared of the future and a message that you have odviously hoped for for the last year has just added too it. Talk to the people around you, you don't have to do any of this alone.

I think that common sense needs to prevail here. You are very young, co-parenting with a f*ck buddy is very different to raising a child with a committed partner. Most women I know who single handedly raise their kids do so at great sacrifice. The other guy sounds like a chancer too. You've got your whole life ahead of you. I know this sounds harsh and its not meant unkindly. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

OP, unfortunately, no one can really advise you what to do. This is your baby, your life, and your body.

Maybe it's about making a decision you can live with. Think about ten years from now, about middle age, about old age. How does each decision seem over the next decades of your life? The baby will tie you to Adam forever, of course, but if he's just a co-parent, maybe that's OK. Think about how you'll feel if you don't keep the baby, versus keeping the baby and having all the good things that come with it, yet knowing that you'll ultimately have a blended family, which many people do find difficult. These are just all things to think about.

I wonder if a session with a counsellor who's used to helping people make decisions would be useful. Maybe more of a life coach than a traditional counsellor?

You could also make a long list of pros and cons of each choice.

To put a very positive spin on it, I think there are a lot of positives to each choice, and I think no matter what you choose, you're going to be just fine.

I had an accidental pregnancy and I was on contraception. Things never happen 'for a reason'. It's just a saying people use to comfort themselves or justify a decision. The reality is people sometimes change course because of what has happened.

Without the pregnancy your focus was on what might now happen with Leo. And that is still to the fore. The baby has put a spanner in those works though. But you can't choose a baby if it's your second choice - a baby deserves a proper commitment, come what may.

Personally I think Leo could well lead nowhere. Right person, wrong time makes no sense really. If you really both wanted it, you'd have made it work even if that meant you had little time together. I don't think people really change, at least not in a short space of time - you and he are the same people you were a year or whatever ago.

I'm afraid you do sound hopelessly naive - with regard to relationships and parenthood. Parenting is a totally overwhelming commitment that takes over your life for around two decades, regardless of what you fit in around it.

How would your family react if you told
them? They might surprise you. You are going to need a lot of support from
them if you are having the baby.

Good luck whatever you decide x

I think you’re romanticising your life too much. I don’t know why your ex reached out, but the truth is he isn’t going to be interested in you now that you’re pregnant with someone else’s child. That will likely give him instant ick and the confidence to let you go. You’re making it seem like you’re soulmates, but the truth is you broke up, had sex with other people, and have gone on to start families with other people. There’s no secret love story here, it’s over. He’s irrelevant now.

Secondly it’s fine that you have a decent job & support from family etc. but I’m the same age with no kids and personally I wouldn’t want to raise a baby in your circumstances. I think you’re being naive about how this will work out. I have a high salary in an in demand sector that allows me to work from home - I still would think a baby would impact that. I wouldn’t be able to work, whilst looking after a baby alone, obviously my income would be impacted. Benefits wouldn’t cover my bills. So something would have to give, either my child is with childminders or family whilst I work (and I miss bonding time with the baby), or I cut down my hours at work and reduce my income. You seem to think you can do it all at once.

No matter how good a guy Adam seems, you don’t really know him like that. Do you know his views on things like idk circumcision, schooling, parenting approaches, wider family involvement, religion etc. He might have totally different views than you do.

I think you’re very much in a pickle.

Very few people would want to take on a pregnant partner. And most people wouldn’t want to feel in any way responsible for a woman deciding to have a termination in order to pursue a relationship.

Meet your ex by all means to find out what it is he wants. He may just be horny and lonely. He may realise that he can’t bear life without you but being pregnant may change his thought process. You just have to be honest and see what happens I guess.

You're pregnant to one chap who isn't right for you and in love with another guy. You're in super-early days of pregnancy. You've always wanted children. You're 26 but stable financially.

I'd have a termination without regrets. You have a ball of cells inside you at this point. Yes, with the chance to be a baby but not one yet. It's in a baby's best interest to be brought up in a stable relationship. You're not in one. And you're so young to have a baby by yourself, just because you'd like to have children some day.

Don't upend your life now. Take the tablets, talk to Leo, continue with your life (no matter the outcome with Leo) and find the right person to have a family with.

I don’t think “right person, wrong time” is valid either.

That just means the split was amicable but you weren’t the right people for each other. Cause generally, being in each other’s presence would have been more beneficial to you both than breaking up. Breaking up was probably because he was still wanting to experiment with dating other people and didn’t want to settle down with you.

You keep responding that you have a good maternity package, as if that makes having a baby ok. My worry is that you don’t have much of an idea of what you would really be getting yourself into.

I think you need to decide if you are truly ready for a baby, the Adam and Leo situation sounds incredibly messy.

You have said that you were leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo text you…. Big decisions don’t usually rest on a text.

Up until four weeks ago you were busy going out, dating and having fun (as you should be). But are you ready for all that to change?
You’ve said you are financially sound, have family support, that Adam will stick around but Adam has also been out having fun etc and will continue to do so for the next nine months, realistically he probably won’t be around as much as you might like.
Leo will be a heck of a man if he sticks around to raise another man’s child at this young age. I imagine his friends and family will discourage the relationship too.
The only person you can rely on is you, can you speak to your family or a counsellor? You are only 26 and have your whole life ahead of you. Good luck.

It'll be hard having a baby alone, It'll be hard too if you have an abortion and it doesn't work out with Leo.

OP I really don't think you should decide about the baby based on Leo. Go and speak to him and see what he says but I wouldn't mention the pregnancy. I would decide whether you think there's a genuine chance first.

Or do, and see whether he's serious. If he's genuinely your soul mate then you will find a way through together, whether an abortion or a baby. If he runs for the hills you have your answer. But at 26 if I was him and faced with an ex pregnant by another man pretty sure I'd be running for the hills.

Your decision re baby but I think this agonising over what to do about man 1 and man 2 does feel like the kind of problem you have in your 20s when still lacking maturity and IMO not ideal for being a parent. But there are great parents in their 20s. Only you know which you could be.

Good advice here from @BrinkWomanship I think OP.

OP parenting is hard, like really hard. And that’s with two parents. I would not intentionally become a single mum at your age just because you’ve always wanted kids. Regardless of the situation with these two blokes, I would honestly be looking at a termination. You have plenty of years left to have a baby with someone who means something to you and at the stage of life that is right for you.

OP

I understand your instinct is to tell Leo everything and see where it goes but you NEED to have a firmer view before you have that conversation.

This is not time for "I want to make a go of us too, but I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do"

This is time for "Before we can even consider making a go of this, you need to understand that I am pregnant, I am keeping the baby and that means that there will be another man in our lives - the baby's father - who will need to be treated respectfully"

Whether Leo can or cannot take that on is entirely up to Leo. But you CANNOT shift the onus of keeping (or not keeping) your baby on to him.

Originally op I was going to post…keep the baby leave the man…but after reading all your posts (but not entire thread) I’m thinking you really really want a second try with Leo. More than you want parenthood at this time.

so now I’m thinking I’m a bad person because what about meeting with Leo and seeing how it goes/ how you feel. He’s on a need to know basis about your pregnancy and he doesn’t need to know yet.

I think it’s very unlikely Adam to Leo anything but you can suss that out.

i missed out how far along you are but if you meet with Leo and decide you are not ready for single parenthood you can 🔥tell Adam you miscarried 🔥 have a termination and see how it goes with Leo. I think I’m going to flamed for being a liar but this is an area I think a woman can still decide who needs to know what and do as she sees fit with her body.

The men are immaterial here because as the pregnancy progresses and the baby is born you will not have time for the preoccupation of love interests. All that you have/your time/body will be poured into making and caring for baby. I would have the baby, and put the idea of Leo on hold. Tell him about baby or don't, and just stick with the not the right time reason, and if it's meant to be then maybe you'll reconnect in a few years when you're settled into life with your child. On a positive note, when you have your own baby and become comfortable with the new dynamic of you and baby, the men don't seem as important anymore.