I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

You do realise these two aren't your only two options for future relationships? At this moment they may seem to be. I think you need to focus on yourself and your situation rather than the men. Adam may coparent, Leo may run for the hills, neither a perfect scenario.

Too late to have advised morning after pill for the no protection night. This is real, time for responsibility and at the end of the day it's down to you ultimately and not who you fancy the most. Grown up pants time and best of luck, you will love your baby no matter what. Xxx

You sound really young for your age, so I am amazed you have managed to get on the property ladder and have such a good career already when this is a real struggle for many your age. In your boat, i would forget about the men entirely and decide whether you can cope with a baby all on your own. Think worst case scenario - one that never sleeps for years, nor can be put down ever. Think how that might affect your career, and what support you might have in place to cope with that. Babies starting at nursery get ill frequently, and you have to drop everything and collect them. Your career prospects can be affected. Stop with the romantic soul-mate crap for now and think about the reality of having an actual baby.

I think you need to put yourself first here and decide what you want. I know both men are in the picture but sadly both men aren’t guaranteed to stay around forever.

There’s issues with Adam- he may step up and be a dad but he may also decide not to be in the baby’s life.

Leo- it didn’t work the first time, second chances can work out but it’s a chance you’d have to take and see what happens.

Really you need to decide if you want this baby and not think about the two men right now.

You’ve said you’re financially stable and want children which is great, you’ve mentioned about being close to your parents too which is a massive help but ultimately you’ll be doing it alone. You’ll be the one doing the night feeds, then eventually the one doing the nursery/ school runs and then perhaps dating and trying to meet someone at the same time. it’s a lot to take on, it’s life changing for the best reasons and can also be for the worst reasons.

If Leo decides he wants to part of it all then that’s amazing but you’ll need to understand that he may walk away at any point.

I would take some time to think about what you want, talk to both men, sleep on it all, you don’t need to rush a decision today but sadly it’s really only a decision that you can make.

You’re only 26 OP, presuming you have no fertility issues that you know of, this is probably not fate or your last chance to have a baby.

These men aren’t your only options for a relationship or for your future. Thinking past them, how would you feel about navigating future relationships with a child? It would probably reduce your dating pool of options.

Also having a child is hard! I have a husband who is hands on and I still find some days very difficult. It’s 24/7 and relentless. I love my children to pieces and don’t regret having them for a second but I’m so glad I have DH to share the load and give me a break sometimes. The maternity leave years with a little baby were just the beginning really, think about how you will manage in toddlerhood and beyond.

Before I had my first DC I knew my life would change but didn’t really appreciate how much! You will no longer be able to put yourself first, ever. I’m ready for that at 35 but at 26 I wanted to be selfish.

I'm not anti abortion at all, but if you're seriously considering aborting a baby because a boy might like you again then you are really really not ready for the life changing event of having a baby, and learning to put your own needs after that of a baby for years

Fabulous. Bring a baby into the world who starts off with no present father.

Hey, why do life changing things like this happen at the same time - honestly it’s always the way!

I honestly feel for you and what a hard situation you’re in.
You definitely sound sure you want to reconnect with Leo and if he is your true person I can totally understand, sometimes a break brings people back together with different outlooks on life.

If it was me I’d Meet up with Leo, see what his intentions are and how it feels being around him again, how he acts and if you still feel connection.
You don’t have to tell him now, you’ve just found out.
Then after the meeting come away and completely weigh up your options.

Ignore the judgey critical posters on here, yes you had unprotected sex - it bloody happens!

Why not?

Wow.

So Leo contacting you is a huge event equal to being pregnant (with a friend with benefits)?

You are too immature to become a parent.

I'm in my 60s. I had an abortion and I never had a birth child due to fertility issues. I never regretted the decision itself as it was right for me at the time, but it did make me sad for a good few years and I did at one time see my infertility as a kind of punishment. I certainly don't regret it now - I moved on and worked out how to live my life going down an alternate path.

I think this is a sensible idea OP, based on what you say about the relationship with him. No harm in finding out whether moving forward with him and the baby is an option. Good luck with this!

I'm also in my 60s and had an abortion because my then-DH was furious with me for getting pregnant and "ruining his life" (although the pregnancy was his fault, I won't go into details).

Like you, I don't regret it, but it sounds as though OP is in a situation that could have a happier ending, and why not find out...?

How you feel about either of these men should have no bearing on how you feel about having the child! There is no guarantee either of these men will stick around. Honestly please separate these decisions from each other.

What if Leo says he doesn’t mind about the baby so you keep it then it turns out he does? Does that change your mind then?

Well I’ll be amazed if Leo smiles sweetly and says he’s happy to continue your relationship OP. Stop for one moment and look at it from his point of view. You are pregnant by another man who you aren’t even in a relationship with, it doesn’t sound good. It would be a massive thing for him to step into the situation as it is, in fact I’d say it would be virtually impossible especially if the father wishes to co-parent his child.
maybe a termination would be the best thing, only you can decide, I certainly don’t think the glowing vision you have of being a single mother is anywhere as easy as you seem to think it is.

@Notfeelinguptoit

If it was me I’d Meet up with Leo, see what his intentions are and how it feels being around him again, how he acts and if you still feel connection.
You don’t have to tell him now, you’ve just found out. Then after the meeting come away and completely weigh up your options.

I'd strongly disagree. When he finds out you weren't honest, which he obviously will, he'll view you very differently. Honesty is essential with life partners. Being dishonest, even for a short period of time, could well come back and bite you on the arse later.

You really can't keep something so fundamental, such as another man's child, from him. You need to be upfront before you start talking about getting back together.

If Leo runs for the hills, then that's his choice, you can't blame him for it, and better for that to happen now, rather than ambush him with it in a few weeks/months time when you've got back together.

Your attitude to some replies is not nice and very defensive. I get the sense you’ll do one of three things and both will come with regret. You have to decide which regret you can carry

1. you meet Leo, you tell all, he says no thank you and goodbye, you keep the baby and regret telling him and always wonder what if

2. you don’t tell Leo, meet maybe don’t keep the baby so to make a go of it with Leo. Have you considered fertility is not guaranteed? What if you try for a baby with Leo and have struggles / can’t conceive? Guilt of choosing the man and possibly no baby and maybe he leaves you to have kids with someone else if he wants kids

3. you meet Leo, tell all, he supports, you keep the baby, then Leo realises bringing up a kid that ain’t yours ain’t fun, he leaves you.

a lot to think about but I struggle that your decision to be a mother is so heavily reliant on a man.

Whatever you do, don't shag Leo and pass off Adam's baby as his.

It doesn’t sound like you want or are ready for this baby, which is fine, people make mistakes.

I had an abortion in my early 20s when I was also in a stable job and home etc. no regrets.

I’m now married to an amazing man with a beautiful baby and have the luxury of a full year’s maternity, working part time and no financial worries. We’re hoping to try for a sibling as well which will be lovely. My husband is a fantastic man and father and I’m so grateful for the life I had, particularly being able to give my baby a wonderful stable home and every opportunity in life. I wouldn’t have been able to do that as a single mum in my 20s, so I still believe I made the right decision.

You’ll probably end up with neither of these blokes in the long term and to be blunt, you’ll lower your chances of finding a husband to build a family with if you’re a single mum.

If you want the baby regardless then that’s great but the fact you’re reconsidering after one texts rather suggests you don’t. I’m just sharing my experience to let you know not everyone is traumatised or regrets abortion.

Well said, I tend to suspect that's exactly what the OP is thinking of doing.

It sounds like Leo might be the one, but if you decide to keep the baby, you should tell him sooner rather than later. Wishing you the best of luck!

I think you would be better off not meeting Leo actually, and taking space to work out how you feel about this baby without him clouding your judgement.

If he’s really the one, he’ll wait for you.

I don’t think you are in a right mess.
Yes you are pregnant- but you want to have children and you were single and seeing someone and you got pregnant.
You ex coming back into your life is an additional strand and not connected to your pregnancy.
If you see a future with your ex then be upfront. Explain you are pregnant and by whom. Then you will see by your exes reaction if he is worthy of your time and love.
If he is supportive and positive then take things v vs slowly.
You will be pregnant and somewhat vulnerable. So I would just date until your baby is born and then in those early days continue to take it very slowly.
You need to protect yourself and taking things slow is the way to go. If he is serious he will accept this.
Good luck.

Being a single parent is hard. Yes you may be able to co-parent amicably but don’t underestimate the loneliness and guilt that’s going to come with that decision. Also assuming 50/50 will be the co-parenting agreement then don’t underestimate how difficult it’s going to be to only have your child with you 50% of the time.

Given your age personally I wouldn’t have the child but the decision would have precisely zero to do with the other guy reestablishing a connection and everything to do with the life experience I have with parenting.

say you go ahead and have the baby, would you be fine with never being able to have given it another go with Leo? if the answer to that is no then you aren't ready for a baby.
realistically a young guy in his 20's isn't likely to just accept the fact that if he gets back with you he'll be raising someone else's child, when you weren't at that point yourselves only a year ago.