I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

I agree that your pregnancy happened for a reason. The reason being you didn’t use contraception.

You have control over your life by either keeping the baby and raising as a single parent or having an abortion and planning a child in better circumstances. By letting these men sway your decision making you are essentially giving them control over your own future. Are you really happy to take that risk? Why make life harder for yourself than it needs to be.

Lots of people who have abortions are very glad they did it, though. It depends on the people involved and their circumstances.

I wouldn’t wish single parenting on anyone, although it can’t be helped in some cases. This case seems like a choice, and I’d abort or adopt if you know of a great family and are able to keep access of some kind.

You obviously don’t want a baby right now - else you wouldn’t even be questioning choosing a man over it.

That’s in no way a dig, just the facts.

So I’d get rid of the pregnancy as that is a separate issue to Leo.

Then after a couple of months if Leo still wants to start things up then both lay your cards out on the table and try it.

I typically think that if it didn’t work the first time then it’s not going to work the second time but I think you’ll always wonder what if.

If you guys were truly happy then you would have found a way to make it work.

So I don’t think it’s going to work with Leo.

Likewise you couldn’t have a baby without feeling resentment towards it without trying.

Not sure why he's in your firing line. Neither of them used contraception..both are as irresponsible as each other.

Look the simple fact is that you cannot have both Leo and the baby.

Things will never work out between you if you are carrying another mans baby. And no one could blame him for not wanting to be involved with you under those circumstances. Add in the points made by @Jellycatspyjamas about the baby needing to be put first in all and every situation, even in the vanishingly small likelihood he says yes to getting involved with you and the baby, you SHOULDNT have him back in your life. It simply wouldnt be right or fair on the child.

So pick one.

You have said several times that you would be more upset to lose Leo than to lose the baby, so as I said above, the decision is made. Call the clinic, it can all be over and done with by the end of the week.

The only thing that is relevant is whether or not you want to be a mother and do you want to be a mother now?

If you terminate, is this something that you might regret down the road? You might not be able to answer this now but you don't know what you might feel after the fact.

What if you end up having fertility issues later and have difficulty conceiving again?

Or you wait until you're in an established relationship to have a baby and then that relationship ends and you become a single parent anyway?

There is no way to know what the future holds, you can't base your decision on those things. You have a life growing inside you right now. Do you want to be this child's mother? Are you currently ready to be a parent? And if not...can you be ok with your decision if life throws you curveballs later?

Leo and Adam don't matter. Factor them out. At the end of the day, only you know what you want and are ready for or not. No one can really answer this for you.

This is not helpful. I know plenty of people who are glad they decided to terminate their pregnancies and went on to have children later.

Of course, it is a difficult decision but you must do what is right for you. In my view, people should only bring babies into the world when they feel absolutely ready to be a parent. It is a massive responsibility, its hard work, and it will change your life forever. Only you know if you are ready, or if you want this enough to jeopardise your relationship with Leo. You do not need to decide immediately. My advice would be to talk it through with trusted friends or family IRL.

No. Because you woke up sober the next morning and your first thought wasn’t to get to a chemist for the morning after pill.

And because you’re being influenced in a decision on whether or not to keep a child based on a single text from an ex you haven’t seen for a year.

You have to make a decision based on neither man being in the picture, because there’s every chance that, this time next year, you won’t be in contact with either of them.

Things don’t always happen for a reason. Sometimes they happen because we’ve been really drunk and stupid. Sometimes they happen because life takes us in a different direction and other choices weren’t open to us. I wouldn’t dream of advising you whether you should have a child or not. But whatever you choose, some doors will close to you and other doors will open to you. So you must make your decision based on what is best for you and your current circumstances.

Nor does a child.

Why has Leo contacted you now? Has he just broken up with someone? Has he heard about you and Adam?

Nail on the head. Don't even think of starting up anything with Leo again without telling him the truth about your FWB and the resulting pregnancy. You really can't re-start the relationship with Leo based on the lie of not telling him about your pregnancy.

As for fate and things happening for a reason, that's utter bollocks.

Leo is currently living rent free in your head, when you haven’t even told him you’re pregnant by another man. He may well run a mile when you tell him.

Look at it from a different perspective: if you wanted to get back with him, and he dropped the bombshell news that he’d got a FWB pregnant and she was keeping it, would you still want to pursue a relationship with him? With all the complexities that raising a child with someone you’re not in a relationship with brings?

You've had a great range of responses here OP. I would take some time to really consider them.
Im going to be honest neither of these men are the 'one'. You've got a good 10 years to date and find someone wonderful to raise a family with. There's time.
You'll miss out on so much joy having a baby without a partner - i don't mean that offensively to those who are single parents for what ever reason but there's some real life changing moments having a child good and bad! And its much better with a life long partner.

Disavow yourself of the ditsy everything happen for a reason. It’s really not the case
Write a down pro/cons
job eg mat leave, career progression
impact of a pregnancy now as opposed to later
accommodation can you stay where you are or will you have to move?
Your finances eg cost of nursery etc
the dad will he financially contribute? He needs to

@ReadingSoManyThreads I think you should read all of OP’s posts, and then maybe you’d think before just spouting pro-life stuff. Babies are not always blessings. Surely you can see that?

This 100% nobody is "happy" about having a termination but it can be the best decision for a multiplicity of reasons and thank goodness we have the option.

I have read all of OP's posts actually, not sure why you think I haven't.

I think this is terrible advice. You have made it clear that you want Leo more than you want the baby. In that case, he does not need to know about the baby and you should definitely NOT ask him to make the decision for you. It is your body. It is your life.

There are risks involved in all scenarios but if, in your heart, you want Leo as your life partner, you should take that gamble with him. Having another man's baby is not the best start to a relationship but that isn't to say it can't work - only you can know whether you want it to. Perhaps a fresh start and a chance to have a baby with Leo is a better option.

Keep the baby, go with the first man, coparent with the second

Because if you had you will see that she had said several times that she would rather lose the baby than lose Leo. So I think your congratulations are rather premature.

That sounds so stressful OP!

To me, your choice is between a baby and a partner.

As someone with a 1 year old who I love, having a baby and being a parent is really really tough. It’s not just about enjoying being with your baby - simple tasks like getting your hair cut, going to see a friend for a drink, going to the supermarket, are going to be tougher because you always have to think about what to do with your baby. It’s not going to be easy to date anyone or really commit to a new relationship, whether that’s with Leo or another person.

Another thing to consider is that in the future you will have almost certainly have tricky situations to navigate with the baby’s father because you aren’t together - what if he has a new girlfriend that you don’t like? What if he seeks 50/50 custody? What if he wants the child for their birthday, or for Christmas? All of these things could happen.

So I think you really have to think about how much you would be willing to sacrifice to have this baby now. It’s not an easy decision.

You are not going to lose anyone if they really love you

@ReadingSoManyThreads because she’s unsure what to do, and may decide to have a termination. So saying “congratulations” is completely inappropriate, and telling her babies are “a blessing” is designed to guilt-trip her into keeping the baby, even if she decides she doesn’t want to.

Saying “congratulations, babies are a blessing” is just as bad as saying “bloody hell what a disaster, get down the clinic and have an abortion asap”. Both are extreme perspectives which are not what OP needs to hear now.

I would invite Leo round for a coffee and be very honest about your current situation. Whether or not you have this baby, love and support from any quarter will help you, and in the event your relationship with Leo progresses, it will be much easier to tell him now than at a later date.