I’m in a right mess. What the fuck do I do?

[IAmInAPickle]

I am 26, I have a stable job and my own house so that doesn’t have a bearing on the situation I am in.

My ex and I (I’ll call him Leo for the sake of this post) broke up a year ago. It was entirely mutual, because we were both too busy to dedicate enough time to our relationship. We’d been together for two years and it honestly broke my heart. We were both just as upset and heartbroken as each other, but we knew it had to happen because we just weren’t good partners for each other. He has always felt like my “what could have been”, he was the right person at the wrong time.

About twelve weeks ago, I met up with a friend (I’ll call him Adam) for coffee. Adam mentioned quite off the cuff that he had always liked me and wanted to take me on a date. I agreed, because I really liked him too and decided it would be fun.

After a couple of dates it became clear that the limit of our relationship was lust, and wouldn’t become romantic.

We ended up in a sort of friends with benefits situation and it was all good, until I realised that I’ve missed my period. I’ve done a test and it’s positive, and I think I’m about four weeks.

I’ve told Adam and he has said the ball is entirely in my court. If I want the baby, he will step up and we can coparent. If I don’t, he’ll support that.

I was leaning towards keeping the baby until Leo texted me and said he misses me, he wants to give things another go and he is serious about me. This has really thrown my head into a scramble.

i don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by posting this and I guess I just need some sort of advice because I don’t know what to do

You believe everything happens for a reason?🤔 (Not the point of thread I know......)

You were leaning towards having the baby but are now considering changing that entire trajectory for the sake of a man, who you have already broken up with once, whatever the reasons. All I can say is make sure you're not wearing some rise tinted glasses where he is concerned.

I’ve told you how I’ve changed

Yes, I do. I’m not religious as such but I do believe that the things I’ve experienced in my life have happened for a reason

OP - I would think very, very carefully about how life might pan out if you do carry on with the pregnancy.

You are young enough to meet the right person to have a child with. Neither of these sound ideal, to be honest.

If you have a child on your own, it's likely you will meet someone eventually - there are statistics on this, and on average it takes say 4 years, because you'll be out of action for a while and just not have the headspace or energy for dates. And you'll never be carefree again!

When you do start looking again for a partner, it's more likely that you will partner with someone who has children of their own. And that brings baggage. Look at some of the stepchildren threads - it's just much harder all round, and harder to fit in a further child.

Having a child on your own will change you, and it will change your career progression.

On the other hand - do you know how fertile you might be? Imagine that you suddenly went into ovarian failure in 3 or 4 years if you didn't progress this pregnancy, and had not had a child by then. It's rare, but happens. How would you feel about deciding not to have a child at 26?

It's a big step and you owe your future child/children careful reflection.

I'm confused because you said the break up was mutual.

Do you think the contact from him means he wants to settle down now ?

He may not even know, himself.

Does the fwb earn we'll is he stable remember baby will be going alt weekends and x1 night in the week. Id try a shot at a relationship with the babys dad tbh. So you know relationships end at 2 years when honeymoon period ends and you either progress together on same page or you dont. Time aside if u wanted to have made it work you would have.

So why second guess having the baby? Genuine comment, not trying to be snarky

I think you’re just confused for the sake of being snarky. Yes, it was mutual and I obviously need to see him to determine if he has changed.

I would love to have children but if it really came down to it, at the moment I think I’d probably choose rekindling with Leo over having a family with Adam. But I’m sure that will get me a lot of abuse

Haven't read any further but I doubt that saying that will get you abuse.
You are so young, there's plenty of time to find a stable relationship, whether with Leo or someone else. Far better for everyone to think about babies then than now.

Because it’s these two huge events that have happened within a week of each other

It’s not about whether some random online likes you or not (how could they when they don’t know you).

It’s whether you can parent a very unexpected baby, whether Adam really wants the financial and relational responsibility of a child he didn’t plan with a woman he’s not in a relationship, whether Leo - who messaged you hoping for a date - will want the responsibility of a child with another man coparenting.

With the greatest of respect people are sharing advice with you from the place of experience. Experience of complex relationships, of raising children alone or with a partner, of ending an unplanned pregnancy. Your focus seems to be how can I keep the man that I didn’t make it with a year ago. You may have changed, he may have changed but that still doesn’t mean it will work between you.

In the meantime you have a baby to consider who needs more stability than good maternity leave and on-site childcare. If you have a child your wants, wishes and desires take a back seat for a very long time because they need you to put them and their needs first. If you can’t do that - without a man - you need to consider your options.

I sense that you say 'snarky' when you're put on the spot with a genuine question and you aren't sure of the reply.
No, I wasn't being snarky. I'm asking you to consider things and for clarification.

You will only know if he's changed by seeing him, long term.
Not with a conversation over a drink for one evening.

However, I'm not going to continue with this as it's not productive in any way.

Good luck whatever you choose.

It seems crazy to decide if you want to have a baby based on one text from an ex.

My opinion, decide based on whether or not you are ready to become a single parent right now. My cousin had a baby on her own at 25 and she is thriving. If Leo won’t support you regardless of what you choose, then he isn’t the one

If I was you (and I realise I am not), then I would not continue with the pregnancy. At 36 if I wanted kids then it would likely be different. But at 26 if what I wanted was kids and a relationship then nope.

I would not rush into anything with Leo either. Keep in contact, tell him things were complicated but I wanted to see where things went. I don't think I'd be rushing to tell him about the pregnancy or my plans to continue with it or not. (Obviously if the relationship went somewhere this may change).

How do you envisage your future if you keep the baby? What if you and Leo realise you were made for each other after all, but now have another man's child complicating the relationship? What if neither of these relationships works out - how do you imagine any future potential relationships might go, with a new partner/husband acting as stepfather (even if you are co-parenting with Adam)?

I know what I think would be the best thing for you to do, but it’s got to be your decision.

Congratulations!

You've finished your education, you're on the property ladder, you're young and have energy. Perfect timing!

Getting a text from an ex really isn’t a huge event.

It looks like a reason, but it's really a coincidence.

I would suspect things aren’t likely to work out with Leo. If you were really right for each other you would have made it work first time around.

Well yes we’ve covered that - you got pregnant because you didn’t use protection. That’s the reason.

In your situation I wouldn’t have the baby.

You sound like you’ve got a great set up and no doubt if you did go ahead you’d be absolutely fine, but you also sound like a romantic (no bad thing), and you would miss the magic of pregnancy, birth, child raising alongside the love of your life.

The only friends who I know have had an abortion have gone on to have children when the time was right for them

Why are so many people being so judgemental? Leave it with all the comments about how she got pregnant, Jesus