Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

You choose the children, which to be fair should have been done a long time ago, but it’s better than never. He’s already dumped them, don’t you dare think he is even a choice

Choose your kids, they will be around a lot longer than he will be, but also because he sounds like a selfish entitled shit of a father.

Even as adults your dc will still need you and you should want a close relationship with them. Then there may be grandchildren. I feel for your dh how his parents treated him but he has done the same to his dc and he refuses to get therapy. Your poor dc growing up with a father who wasn’t interested in them imagine how they will feel if you choose him over them

It's always about him and his needs and his wants. You have probably had to pander around him for years to keep the peace. Your needs may be well down the line. He looks good on the outside caring for unrelated old people or others...the good guy. The kids don't have a relationship with him because he didn't nurture or try to generate a relationship. Stop trying with him, stop trying to change him plus his attitude to you and your children is far from loving. Step back slowly from him and make a better life for yourself....go on holidays/ weekends away on your own. It must be hard work to please this man so stop doing it. You deserve way more than this. You choose you. And continue to choose you.

@789vghu8 , this man has zero respect for your love for your children. He is a selfish child. I am married to a selfish child I wish I’d left years ago. God alone knows why but I love my husband, I’ve put up with so much shit, absorbed so much pain, he still causes me issues with our children and grandchildren and it makes me so sad. My husband loves me in his own way but he doesn’t love me in the way I wish he would and it continues to cause me problems and pain. What do you want for your future? I wouldn’t suggest taking my path. I’m pretty old now, it’s too late for me but you could have another life. Good luck. X

I misread and presumed he was a step dad and didn’t want to be involved, he seems very distant ti your children, I’d choose my children if anyone made me choose x

i am autistic and thrive in quiet and routine. I still put my child first. Autism doesn’t make you a bad parent.

That’s really sad my 18 year old cousin just moved to uni but it was my uncle that drove and accompanied her to all the open days. Her uni is 3 hours away and the left at 7am for the open days and drove home. He is incredibly proud of her. Hired a van to take her stuff stayed in a hotel then helped her unpack the next day. If you chose to have kids you love and support them no matter what xx

Would you rather lose him or your children (doesn’t matter their age). It would be a no brainer for me, the kids would win and he can go fuck off.

Loads of parents go to the uni open days. I went for both of mine.

It sounds like your marriage is over. I don’t see how you can come back from this.

It does slightly sound that you might be mollycoddling your kids a little bit - a 19-year-old is an independent adult and I agree that your 17-year-old should be fine to go to uni open days without you. I can see why he’s perhaps thinking your kids have been fussed over too much.

That doesn’t excuse the way he appears to have raised this with you, though, and of course it’s dreadful to present this to you as a choice between him and your children. I don’t think any mother could forgive that. It’s awful.

I feel so bad for your kids :(

If you want a relationship with them when they are older I would choose them. I know it isn't that simple but I feel your partner may also be selfish when other things annoy him (pets, your own social life etc) and you have just been placating him because you love him and are used to it. He has left you to raise HIS children while he does whatever the hell he wants. That is beyond selfish.

You still have many years of your life left - I don't think he deserves to be part of it. And yes he has childhood trauma but that's why therapy exists.

FYI I did attend open day with my then 17-year old, it was full of parents, this is a very big choice for them to make, it's reasonable they would want an adult there.

He sounds absolutely awful. I also strongly disagree that your children won't need you soon. They will! Can't believe he's trying to make you choose. Did he want the children or was that all you? I can't believe what I've read and makes me feel so sad that he's not taken any interest in the kids eg not going to a single football match for your son 😢

Sounds more like you have Stockholm Syndrome than love. Women should stop loving men they don’t even like.

Choose your children over this useless shit of a man.

It does slightly sound that you might be mollycoddling your kids a little bit - a 19-year-old is an independent adult and I agree that your 17-year-old should be fine to go to uni open days without you. I can see why he’s perhaps thinking your kids have been fussed over too much.

The OP sounds like a normal parent. Nothing remotely mollycoddling about her. I don't know any 19 year olds who are independent adults - with their own homes, a proper job, paying all their own bills. And you know what my 28 year old IS an independent adult and we still listen to him, help him, support him because we are his parents and we love him. He'd do the same for us.

Someone upthread pointed out that she had this attitude about open days - and her daughter was one of only 2 people there without a parent. Times have changed.

I can't believe there's even a choice to make or anything to consider. I'd choose my kids in a heartbeat and I'd have done it a long time ago.

This is so sad. I can't imagine not sharing the joy (and tests) of parenthood with my partner/their dad. Parenthood is a team effort and their childhood must have so lonely for you, and confusing for them, being rejected by their father.

Leave him and put your children first, even adult children still need their parents. Maybe some joint therapy for the three of you would be helpful as there will undoubtedly be trauma there.

I would choose my kids, without hesitation. If nothing else, because spending the rest of my life stuck in a "devoted" twosome with some selfish, self-absorbed, emotionally damaged man who drives everyone else away sounds like a nightmare. I can't imagine how you are not disgusted by him after his shitty treatment of his own children, to be honest.

Can I suggest with your kids at this age you choose yourself for once?

This was the point in time my mum left my dad, he was very autistic and whilst he could be amazing, charming etc, he was also entirely absent as a parent, and she was drained by having to hold everything.

You need to consider what your life looks like when the kids leave. Do you actually want to be left with him.

He plays the role of "good husband" to distract you from the fact that you have been bringing up your children single handedly all this time whilst your resentful partner complains about any attention you give them.

You can't change him but you don't have to continue to live in his deranged world.

And by the way, in these days of enormous fees and student debt, many many 17 year olds have their parents with them to help them evaluate their choice... It's a handful of visits that you only do when they are in sixth form. His reasoning you've mentioned is inherently selfish and illogical Crackers that he thinks the most difficult to get to uni is the one she should visit for the first time own her own, especially when she wants you there.

Dont bother asking him anymore. Stay overnight somewhere to break the journey. or both go by train.

He can get in the sea.

There’s likely to be a period of time when they are early- late twenties where they won’t need you as much but if they have kids how involved would you want to be?
I have dc who are 23 and 25, dc1 moved out last year but we message every couple days, talk couple times a week and see her couple times a month. We spend Xmas and birthdays together and do a big family holiday once a year. Dd2 still lives with us and we regularly go out shopping or for coffee. I also watch a tv series with each of them.
Dh is a bit perplexed by this as he stopped spending time with his family when he was 14 and only really got back involved with them after we had kids. But he accepts it, he also does less of the running round for them and doesn’t message/talk on fon much. But he attends all events and hangs out with them.
if I were you I’d be clear there’s no choice children will always come first. He can accept it or leave.

As well as a shit mum, who has subjected them to this man for years and now 'can't choose'.
How is it even a choice?

OP, you mentioned that you have to deal with things like teenage mental health issues so I’m assuming one or both your kids have had some MH issues. Growing up with a parent like you husband could well be a big contributory factor.

Did you husband want kids before you had them? His behaviour sounds extreme.
Might it be an idea for you to talk this all through with a trained counsellor. You’ve let this carry on for so long it might help you work things out to talk to someone about it.
What do your kids say about this?

Next he will demand you choose between him and your parents/ friends. Get rid of him.