Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Yeah, a bit late once you've had 2 kids!

What a horrible situation. My situation was different but it came down to DH or my kids. My ex now lives in his home country while the kids and I are much happier, and together!

He was neglected as a child and when it is pointed out to him that this isnt normal and isnt ok, to the point where he wont go to relationship counselling in case he needs to talk about it but expects you to neglect your kids as he was neglected, its over.

As far as he knows, the only thing that matters is you and him.

He was taught that the only thing in life that matters is the parents marriage, thats what he has been holding out for, because only then will he get the unconditional love that he has never ever had.

I am desperately sorry for him that he was treated like that but if he wont even try to get help for the issues it has left him with then I dont think you can do anything.

You must of course choose your children.

OP apart from anything else, when your kids have moved out they’ll have to choose when to visit. Do you really see them wanting to visit their father? He won’t make them welcome.

I get that leaving is always difficult. But I cannot understand why there’s even a single doubt in your mind about who to choose.

Step father, I think.

No, he is their father.

@789vghu8 I'm in my 40s. I've separated from XH in the last 18 months. We've been living with my parents whilst the marital home gets sold. The person I've needed the most is my mum. I never wanted DD to consider our relationship her standard.

I don't think so - they've been married for 20 years and have two teenage kids.

When your children have left home and are establishing their own independent lives, your DH will still be selfishly resenting every moment of your emotional energy that isn't focused on him. When in the fullness of time grandchildren come along, he will resent any time you spend with them too.

Your choice is whether you want a family life of joy and love or to be locked 1:1 with someone so self-involved he doesn't see the point of having a loving family.

I would be choosing the life full of love, without DH. Yes there will be a period where you are not needed so much, but that will be temporary - you can fill that time with creativity and joy taking part in everything you can in your local community. It will be a more vibrant life than the nasty insular one DH wants.

What do you get from this relationship and why do you want it to continue? How is he going to feel when grandchildren come along and you (may?) want to play an active role in their upbringing too? I genuinely cannot understand why you have subjected your children to this level of indifference for so long. This is basically abuse/neglect. Leave this man and choose yourself!

(Just to add. I don’t think you do have to attend open days with your kids, I never had my parents come along with me and would have found it the height of babying if they suggested it. However, I know having worked in unis and staffed open days for the past 18 years that times have changed and parents do often attend with their kids. I think this is a side issue to the main problem that your husband is a terrible person).

Put it back onto him. He's the one who has to choose, not you.

Does he want you - as you are, which includes being a wonderful and loving mother - or not?

If he doesn't want you as you are (and what he and his children have benefitted from over many years) then he can fuck off.

Your poor poor children having a father like that

are You seriously going to add to the trauma of having one parent like that by adding another or are you finally going to do what you should have done years ago

I would always choose my children, and I would never, ever be able to forgive the man who forced me into that position, especially when they are his own children too!!

@789vghu8
He says you have sucked the life out of him.
But, hasn't he sucked the life out of you with his contempt for your kids and you as their mum?
You've endured this for years now. Cut the poor, suffering bastard loose.

This, in spades.

Please don’t choose him OP. I can’t believe you are even asking the question. If you choose him think about what it will do to your children’s self esteem.
You risk losing them altogether, and you will resent your husband even more.

Sometimes I read threads here and they are so sad I hope the poster is a troll.
This is one of those.
If this is genuine then he should leave. Your kids have missed out on so much by having him in their lives. Worse than if he hadn’t been there at all.

What message does your relationship show them?

How is this even a discussion? Choose the children, and then yourself and go live life without this horrible man.

Probably too late for that. He's got two young adult kids who at best have missed out on many childhood memories with their father, and at worst will have deep seated issues around why their father didn't care about them.

OP, as I'm sure you are getting from the responses he is the one with the unusual attitude here. What he's asking for is not what most people expect of child parent relationships, including of older children. It may be due to his own experiences, but that doesn't mean it's okay to do to his kids. I don't think it's just about choosing what you prefer, I think morally you need to choose your kids. They didn't ask to be brought into this. If you "choose him" you are telling them his expectations and views are what is normal and what they should expect in future relationships etc - and thus the cycle continues. I also really agree with others, this is not a choice you are making, it's something being forced on you. He doesn't get to decide how your relationship with your kids works. If he can't deal with that, he needs to manage himself not blame you.

I misread. Thanks. All the more worse, then.

“he said that there would be no other parents at the open day”

OP, my DD went to university over twenty years ago. When I went to university myself, (in the seventies) no-one took parents to interviews or open days, so it never occurred to me to go with her - I looked up the train and gave her money to get a taxi from the station to the university. When she got home, she said she was one of only two people there without a parent. I was absolutely stunned (and felt like worst parent ever). That was then, and now I should imagine that parents go as a matter of course. We took her sister to an open day, and there was a whole presentation laid on for the parents. Your DH really is falling short - everyone else will have a parent there. I’m really astonished by your DH’s attitude, as they are his children - and particularly if he felt his own parents cast him aside, why wouldn’t he want to be there for his own DC? If he has asked you to choose, tell him that it’s the most ridiculous ultimatum anyone has ever given, because your DC are yours for life, and of course you hope they will grow up to be independent, but you are still there is they need you. At 19 and 17, your DC still very much need their parents. Tell him he is being utterly ridiculous.

I don’t know how you can still love or be atttracted to him op. I have sometimes thought that parenting with dh, going on that journey and shaping our shared lives around these people who we made and raised and are helping to be the best people, to live the best lives they can- it’s one of those things that has held my love for him. Seeing him parent well is very attractive. He is aging, heavier than he once was, sometimes grumpier I suppose, but when I see him “revising” gcse physics in his own time so that he can help dc later, when he asks no questions if dd texts and asks him to come- his coat is on keys in hand, when he makes their favourite food if they have had a bad week: all of that stuff draws me, it’s beautiful and attractive. We share this. You seem to have had children adjacent to him. Not with. He’s holding space until they go. And they have out stayed their welcome. This attitude would make my lip curl and my skin crawl. I couldn’t face a future with him. From what you say- hiring a cleaner and getting a hello fresh subscription would give you most of what he offers anyway

Oh op. Did he actually want children?

"he does all the domestic and house keeping tasks, and all the cooking. He has absolutely no problem cooking a meal for 4 every night often from scratch"

You can pay someone to do all of that. You can't pay someone to love your kids.

Do you want them to have children of their own, your grandchildren, and pay you a customary annual visit out of duty? Meanwhile you sit looking at his face change to one of annoyance for the rare day they visit?

No, thought not. He resents his own kids, he’s shown that time and again. Time to tell him to pack a bag, you all deserve better