Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Firstly, a huge well done for getting your kids this far. It sounds like if it wasn't for you they wouldn't have had the childhood they did. Secondly, your DH sounds a bit selfish and immature. Like the world should revolve around him and gets mad when it doesn't. He is helpful too from the sound of things. It could be worth asking him what his idea of a perfect family life is and also how he sees your future. If a relationship with your kids and a dream for you to be happy in your life isn't a part of that, then there's your answer

This was a very long post just to say, "La la la! I have my fingers firmly in my ears so I don't have to listen to the all people who have told me how much damage I've already inflicted on my children by choosing to stay with this awful man throughout their entire childhoods."

I can't believe what I've just read. Please don't think for a second that your kids aren't well aware that their dad is irritated by their very existence. (This can often mean that they're a bit more clingy to you, as the only loving parent, although nothing you've described sounds remotely unusual or excessive for any mother I know.)

It's entirely normal to go to uni open days with them if they want you to come. All the ones I've been to were heaving with parents (and put a limit on two additional people per student because everyone else wants to go to support their kids too).

Put them first NOW. If you've ever thought they're unaffected by their useless unloving father, you're SO wrong. They will be painfully aware how different their family is to others they know, and frankly you'll be damn lucky if they have anything to do with either of you once fully self supporting. They will know that you enabled him to ignore them and pandered to him and will feel like shit about it.

I'm absolutely appalled. I wouldn't put up with this shit from my kids' stepdad, let alone their bio dad. Of course you can't make him be a decent parent. But you can make certain those kids know they are your priority and make it clear by deeds and words (they're old enough to be spoken to frankly imo) that they deserve SO much better.

@Imisscoffee2021

I wonder what your MIL's expectations will be of her children if anything happens to her besotted puppy? My guess is she will expect them all to rally around. I wonder will she be upset if her children visit near where she lives but don't bother to call in?

People don't understand that families and relationships are built by day in day out interactions.

Cooking and cleaning doesn’t make up for not liking or having any affection for his own children. I couldn’t bear to speak to him let alone ponder whether I should choose him over my children. Choose yourself and your children and move forward with your life.

This.

I'm astounded you feel you have a dilemma, but then again you've chosen him for pretty much the last 20 years which is equally bewildering.

Well I had never heard about a parent abandoning their kids while still living in the same house as them but it seems like this is what your husband is doing.
It's awful.
He is taking revenge on his parents by being an jerk of a dad. The kids are in the way of being cozy with you.
This is a very unhealthy situation which might have damaged your kids.
I see that he's great in many aspects but who cares he is good at doing the household chores if he can't even bother eating in the same room as his family! Better to have a slob then who at least engages with his kids.
His reaction towards them is cruel and immature.

You choose your children. Even if he was their biological parent.

I have a DH who is not the biological father of any of my children. He will do all the airport runs for my DD who lives abroad, drives my eldest DS to uni at the start of every year, will drive me up to see him whenever I want and brings DS home at the end of every year. He takes youngest DS and his massive costume to every comicon that he wants/needs him to.

Your DH surely knew you came with children when he married you. The fact he has neglected them is appalling.

They are HIS children!
(edited to add I can see why you might think they are not!)

You poor kids growing up with an absolute cunt as a father and a mother who put him before them. and ignored the damage being inflicted on them because dad of the year does a bit of housework.

I can’t believe you’re even thinking about it - of course you choose your kids every single time. You’ve already facilitated their childhood being damaged - start putting them first finally.

Let him fuck off and have all the peace he wants on his own after he moves out

I imagine this is already the case. A man who can't tolerate his own children isn't likely to welcome friends and family, particularly his wife's family.
So many questions:
Have your children not asked why their dad is so absent in their lives? What would you say to them? Have they ever asked you why you're with him? Do you 'cover ' for him?
Are you financially trapped? Do both of you work? Does he complain about the costs the kids incur?
No need to answer, just things to consider.

You sound like a great dad 😍!
What is sad in this story is not only that the dad ignores his kids but also that he does not understand he is missing out by not engaging with his kids. One of the great pleasures in life.

What I get from this post is that he doesn’t love his children and that is deeply sad. I couldn’t possibly stay with someone like that. I don’t know how you’ve done it. You and the children deserve so much better. Choose you, the children and a future filled with love and time spent together whilst you can.

I can't believe you are even stuck on what to do. Your poor kids being exposed to such a shit 'father' their whole life. What on earth do you see in such an awful person.

‘I’ve resented your children for years and everything you do for them but I’ll happily make you my carer once I need it.’

Four kids oldest 34 youngest 22. I promise you your kids will always need you, just not in the lifts to places and pickup after them kind of way. I see myself as a constant that till my last breath I will be there for them and help them in whatever way I can. Often it is just listening but then giving them space to make good choices hopefully, there have been some serious situations unfortunately where they have really struggled and it has been very hard all round but together we have come through the bad times.
Already you can see you reap what you sow and you have close relationships with your kids. Pick your kids every time.

Every post just gets worse!

Why on earth have you kept a man who doesn’t like your children around?

My DH would only need to behave like this 1 day to be kicked out on his ear. Refusing to eat with them? Refusing to see them home safe? Refusing to engage with them? Refusing to go to fucking parents evening?

I simply don’t get it. Who gives a flying fuck if he cooks a meal if he can’t bring himself to sit at the table with his children? No amount of cleaning makes up for being an abusive twat to your children.

Hardly any 17 year olds go to uni open days alone anymore.

Children, always. I would have left years ago.

As a mother of 3 grown up children, aged 40, 38 & 34, I'm inclined to say your children will always need you. We are also blessed with 4 beautiful grandchildren. Our children come to us for advice, childcare, support, & love, like I did with mine. They will always be a massive part of our lives, & vice versa.
Sadly your DH doesn't invest in his family relationships, & without investment, there is no return. His lack of love, care, understanding, or interest, in his children's lives is devastating for them. You provide all their emotional stability, but please don't think the impact of his behaviour is not seismic or devastating. He makes them feel unworthy, just by refusing to engage. Not even at the dinner table, where so much is shared.
Please, think carefully about whether he is the man you think he is, because looking at it from the outside, he's a very selfish, lazy, pathetic excuse for a man. (He's left you to do ALL the childcare on your own, while having the complete freedom to do whatever he wanted. He used & abused you.)

You all deserve so much more from him, but he won't ever provide it. Move on, & enjoy your life, & children, without him making you feel guilty.
Good luck..

Children. Sack him. He sounds awful and controlling.

He’s made the choice clear. Please please pick your children.

Op, your post made me so angry. You allowed your kids to live with this tosspot wanker for all their young lives and treat them so badly!? I can only surmise that he has done a number on you and you are in his control whether you are aware of it or not. Others will be able to advise you how to break free.

I could never go out when kids were little as he wouldn't look after them and kids wouldn't stay with him anyway

How on earth did you tolerate this as normal??? Like seriously?

It sounds like this man didn't want children, wasn't equipped to be a father, and didn't have the insight and honesty to say that and stick to a child free life. He is also clearly unaware of the link between his own neglectful childhood and his expectations of how parenting would be. He thinks his childhood was normal and the one you are giving yours isn't, when it's the other way around!

Autism doesn't explain or excuse this. DH is autistic, I'm AuDHD. We don't hate or emotionally neglect our kids! We have a fully neurodivergent household and yes, sometimes things look a little different - occasionally one or more of us might be eating separately because we are overstimulated and can't cope with conversation or eating sounds, for example. But we always explain to each other why we need that thing at that moment and that it is to do with our own need for regulation and not because we don't like our siblings/kids/partner.

Come on OP - he won't even sit and eat with his children. His open disdain for them and his refusal to do the most minimal of parenting is abusive. Don't let them think this is in any way acceptable by staying with him, as by staying, you are condoning it and they will internalise his bad attitude towards them. They will start to think, or maybe have started to feel already, that their needs are wrong, they are too much, it is their fault their father can't love them. You know what to do here.