Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

He thinks you gave the children too much attention when they were little and now they are teens they are old enough not to need it, so you can give it all to him instead. Is he not also an adult, capable of functioning all by himself without needing your undivided attention? Have you discussed this flaw in his logic?

Your kids will ALWAYS need you no matter how old they become YOU are their world
The one whos always been there for them unlike their dad! Ditch him, never choose a man over your kids never! The whole idea of him making you choose is crazy

Come on OP this isn’t even a dilemma.
Ditch him and see the kids as much as you like without his whinging.
He sounds pathetic!
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this for so long.
He has had a strange childhood and his parents relationship does not sound healthy.

Lightbulb moment for me reading this thread- ‘Some couples choose the kids , some choose each other’ 😳
.. where have you been all my life? 40 years of having parents who were different from everyone else’s just clicked into place in my head! (I’m from the latter)
It has definitely affected me and my brother whether we admit it or not.

Choose the right path now.
Enjoy this stage of your life with your fabulous young adult kids. You sound like a great mother. Don’t let him hold you back any more x

Jesus Christ. I've never seen someone display such dislike - hatred? - for their kids for such a prolonged period of time.

He seems to act like he's not related to them in any way.

Sad state of affairs but you can't choose him over your kids, can you? I don't know if I've ever posted on a thread on MN by openly saying "hi, I'm a man" as my sex is generally not relevant but perhaps this warrants it. My daughter is a year younger than yours and my son is a couple of years younger than her. All through their childhoods they have been our absolute priority. With our daughter music is the thing and football has been an absolute joy in my relationship with my son almost since he could walk. We spend hours together every week driving to and from training and matches in our nearby town and nearest city - at least three training sessions as well as Saturday and Sunday matches. We chat, listen to music, listen to Talksport, and then enjoy his playing. I can't even begin to imagine not having done that. I wish I had something cheerful to say but it's just a pity. Choose your kids, they'll be there for the rest of your life. Unless you choose him instead which could lead to them feeling that you rejected them for the man who never really embraced them.

He’s been damaged by his parents.

No halfway decent father would ask you to make this choice.

Of course a parent shouldn’t prioritise the mere ‘want’ of a child over a real need of their partner, but that’s not the sort of spoiled brat scenario we’re talking about here.

If he really insists on your choosing then he’s made his empty bed and he can lie in it alone.

I agree completely with the above. He obviously had a terrible childhood but thats no excuse. How fucking dare he ask you to choose between him and his children.
How do your children feel knowing that their dad has absolutely no interest in them? If you want to do stuff for them it's no skin off his nose.
I am incredibly angry on behakf of you and your kids. Tell him there's no contest mate off you fuck.

Sorry, sounds like a spoilt brat .. a man child who has never grown up! Happy doing what he wants, on his terms, but can't function in the real world.

You know the answer.

Its not easy, I desperately know this - choose your children.

Jeez, I have never seen an easier question to answer on Mumsnet than this OP!

Yes, my FiL laid our patio once to save us the £10k+ we were quoted, helped us move twice, did the plumbing and decorated my kids’ bedrooms when we bought our family house. We were mid 30s, a 4 hour drive and it often involved a few nights on the sofa until we had the house extended and a bed installed for him. He even converted a ramshackle shed in the garden into a two story playhouse for his grandkids. He did that kind of thing up and into his 70s. ‘Cos that’s what you do for your children and their children.

Op’s DH is a selfish waste of space. She should choose her kids. She should choose a life.

That’s not a choice! It’s the kids! It’s always the kids! He’s a selfish little boy who doesn’t deserve his family. Urgh.

Well, if my DH ever asked me to choose between him and our DCs, i would choose my DCs.

Okay what you said about him saying from now on phone off reminded me SO much of my husbands stepdad as did alot of your other info. He also makes huge pronouncements or wants to enshrine a "law" based on some misdemeanour or behaviour he didn't like. It's almost like he's waiting for a misdemeanour in his eyes and he can then make a rule to control it from not happening again but it makes it all bigger than before. Ie a family memebr visiting with their small child and its noisy for a few days ergo noone ever allowed to stay over again so family now stays in hotel when visiting.

My mil is definitely the buffer between him and the world really, he's got worse with old age. He's not a bad man but he has this almost pathological independent streak and thinks of himself as a conversationalist when actually he likes to tell stories and be listened to. Also guards the remote or turns off the TV when chooses to, did other stuff like turn off WiFi as felt teens were using it too much etc. When my husband wanted to come home after uni as few job prospects for him in uni town he was told no, and it wouldn't have come from his mum but she allowed it. Really affected him.

But stepdad is like a besotted puppy with mil, and is happiest when she's all his and they can do their own thing and their own trips. We found out they'd been taking frequent trips into the city we live on the edge of and never saying anything because in his head it's THEIR visit not to be interrupted by inconvenient meals out with children rarely seen 😆 I think he feels he's saving her from the "stress" of her kids or parentings even though they're late 30s to 50s and completely self sufficient to own families.

All this info to say he is on the spectrum and is enabled by mil, you can't change his nature but you can change how you relate to him and how you ensure your children are the priority. It must feel awful to feel like a burden to your own father.

I cannot believe you are evening aski nt thw question. Gr isnt even a good husband as he watched you do everything, run yourself into the ground, and redused to help. He is selfish. Your children will hate you no matter their age if you continue.

So he is now forcing his own experience of a shit childhood onto his children
Because he felt no love from age 14 and was on his own so to speak then his kids should suffer the same?
He refuses counselling so this will never change
Get out now before it gets worse
Your children will thank you for it

Well choose the kids then, he sounds horrible. How have you been with someone who treats his kids like that for so long ?

tell him to bugger off

This is a very sad read. My ex H came from a family where his DM idolised her DH, she always said that her relationship came first because children end up leaving anyway. All of the children were sent to boarding school at 11.
My ex H was a very absent father. He’s better now that the children are older and don’t require as much hands on parenting.
I would pick my children any day of the week. It’s abusive to withhold care and attention to your offspring in my opinion.

Imagine your own father not only not interested in you, but can't even be bothered to talk to you. What a shit show.

I think you’ll feel much, much better once you’ve left him and had some time to process it.
You will regret ever staying with him past the children being born. Just think of the life you could have had without him… you could and should have shown them a better example of a man / father / husband. It’s not too late.

Not sure why you want to spend any more years on him….. you sound like a lovely loving mother with a strong bond with your children which you will always have no matter how old they are. Trust your mothers instincts xx

Nothing and no one would ever come between my children and me. I can't imagine why you're still with this piece of shit.

How can you love a man who doesn’t appear to love or care for his own children?

He "doesn't do family stuff" - surely that's a choice you only get to make before you marry and have children? Arsehole.
I hope the children haven't been too damaged by his indifference.