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Original poster

Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

767 replies

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 21:58

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 12/10/2025 14:50

ForZanyAquaViewer · 12/10/2025 14:48

DD remembers vividly a day out we had when she was about 8 and DH had a breakdown in the car park because it all got too much and the kids constantly wanted his attention because it was a rarity being out with him and I remember her telling me I was mean making him come out with us.

I cannot even begin to imagine the sorts of issues your DD has because she was raised by someone like this (and his enabler) and the myriad ways in which you have fucked up her adult relationships.

Show quote history

The poor girl. Both her parents are terrible. I hope she goes NC when she's old enough to leave home and gets a good therapist.

Squigglydums · 12/10/2025 14:51

What do you mean you can’t choose? He’s left parenting to you over the last 20 years - the audacity he has in thinking he can make demands now. Yes your children will begin to live their lives more independently now, but there is a bigger issue here which is your husband. His demands eill only get bigger - and he sounds like a whiny man child. What does he mean you need to prioritise him? It should be the other way around!

Shamesame · 12/10/2025 14:51

good luck to your children in forming future healthy relationships.

Unicorn34 · 12/10/2025 14:54

If you choose him over your children, you can say "goodbye" to any wonderful time being a grandparent! I actually cannot believe he has even said you need to choose - these are HIS children too! Does he not love or care for them at all? What a weird set up.

BruFord · 12/10/2025 14:55

You’ve nailed it @OneFineDay22, it’s a very sad situation.

@789vghu8 Your DH is emotionally damaged and he desperately needs therapy to help him understand that how his parents treated him isn’t normal parenting at all. Being jealous of your love for your children is chilling -perhaps therapy can help him understand that a couple’s love expands to encompass their children, iyswim.

If he refuses to get help, you’ll have no choice except to leave him. You can’t choose between him and your children, the children are your priority. They’re not old enough to understand your decision and tbh, it sounds as if they’d be relieved.

Dori92 · 12/10/2025 14:57

Sorry but why do you even need to ask what to do? Kids come first no matter their age.

perfectcolourfound · 12/10/2025 15:01

This is a no-brainer.

Always choose your children. Your DH has completely unreasonable ideas of what parenting is. If you went along with his way of doing things you would damage your children forever.

Your children will need you for a good time yet. Ours are adults and we still help out with stuff - emotional and practical support. If you love your children, why wouldn't you want to help them? I can't comprehend that he will help a neighbour or an aunt, but not his children. The people who he should love the most in the world, and want to help the most.

His parents' awful parenting has caused him serious damage. Please don't let that pass on to the next generation (and on, and on). You love your children and you want what's best for them, and you know how to go about doing that. You owe more to your children than your husband, and losing your children would cause you, and them, far more harm than losing your selfish husband.

JohnBullshit · 12/10/2025 15:03

Christ, OP. It's simple. It really is. You choose your kids, and if your DH loves you so bloody much, he will change his ways. Give yourself and everyone else the space away from him to decide if you want him to come back on those terms.
You love your DH, and you love your children. It's time to come to terms with the fact that as things stand you are damaging your children by trying to have both.

BeLilacSloth · 12/10/2025 15:03

What happened when the kids were younger and you needed to go out on your own? Did he never look after them without you there?

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 15:04

BeLilacSloth · 12/10/2025 15:03

What happened when the kids were younger and you needed to go out on your own? Did he never look after them without you there?

She said upthread that he wouldn't look after them.

Differentforgirls · 12/10/2025 15:04

BunnyLake · 12/10/2025 13:16

I don’t think he has autism, I think he has arrested development due to his own childhood. That’s no excuse though (my ex also has emotional arrested development and I’ve never excused him, hence being ex).

Show quote history

Agree with this. I'm autistic, but I absolutely adore my (now adult) sons. I think the OPs husband has been emotionally abused by his own parents and thinks his upbringing was normal, when it was far from it. I also adore my husband and it has never been a him/them scenario as he loves the boys as much as I do. We love each other but it has never been to the exclusion of our children.

In saying all this, I have not a clue how the OP can fix this as it's gone on too long. You can't help people who don't want to be helped and I think that's been the OP's husband.

Franpie · 12/10/2025 15:09

I find it quite bizarre that you talk of you both having a great relationship with your grandchildren when the time comes. I seriously doubt either of you will be allowed anywhere near them!

MaryGreenhill · 12/10/2025 15:11

Oh no it's not because he is autistic he is like this . To me he sounds jealous of your DC .
My DH is autistic, he is an absolutely wonderful Father to our Dds. I couldn't ask for a better father for them .

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/10/2025 15:11

"You can't help people who don't want to be helped and I think that's been the OP's husband."

It sounds as if the OP’s husband doesn’t think he needs any sort of help, nor does he understand that his parents are extraordinarily bad examples of parenthood.

I’m another saying this shouldn’t be a choice for you, @789vghu8, obviously you choose your children, even though they are almost adults. Your husband should never have become a parent, but also, I can’t imagine having stayed so long with a partner who refused to parent alongside me. I don’t quite understand how you let this happen?

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 15:12

"neither child has a problem with their dad because they've never known any different"
😥
That's just so sad. You keep referring to what he does in the home, and the children benefit, but isn't that basic? Cooking and cleaning?
I think you're a bit blind to how bad this has been. This is a man who resents his children so much, he won't eat in the same room as them.

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 15:13

MaryGreenhill · 12/10/2025 15:11

Oh no it's not because he is autistic he is like this . To me he sounds jealous of your DC .
My DH is autistic, he is an absolutely wonderful Father to our Dds. I couldn't ask for a better father for them .

Yes, many autistic people make brilliant parents. He has no excuse.

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 15:15

RainbowBagels · 12/10/2025 13:35

If OP chooses him over their children, most people, including me, would judge her quite harshly,

I suspect OP has already chosen him over her own children and was hoping people would tell her her kids will be fine and she will have a life of bliss with him and her kids will pop in occasionally but not too often and drop the grandkids off ( but not too often or for too long!

I agree. I think her decision is to stay with him.
He's such a jovial chap!

Blueskiesandrainbows · 12/10/2025 15:19

Well I think the OP is having a hard time here, if it is the case that the children accept their Dad for who is then I really don’t see the problem moving forward as they will probably both follow their own lives over the next few years, There are more ways than caring for someone than being all lovely dovey ‘love you’ every time people speak! To be honest I think all the ‘love you’ that everyone cast about to all and sundry makes the words meaningless. There is so much more depth to real lasting caring love.
I would follow the advice I’ve just read on here OP, speak to your children, ask them how they feel about their Dad and his behaviour. It sounds to me as if he had a very difficult childhood and no one can criticize someone for how they behave without knowing them properly anyway. If they understand and are are happy and well balanced, which from your post sounds as if they are, then why feel you have to leave.
Half the people on here will be back on the next few years weeping that their lovely dovey husband has disappeared with someone else … words are cheap.

tothelefttotheleft · 12/10/2025 15:19

Mogwais · 11/10/2025 22:52

It really shouldn't even be a question, your children never asked to come into this world, you chose to have them, hence your children no matter how old they are should always come before a partner. I think it's really sad that you've put up with your husbands selfish attitude for so long.

No matter how old the children are?

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 15:20

789vghu8 · 12/10/2025 14:23

Funnily enough he loves people and has lots of friends - he loves the company of other adults and he thinks that as the kids get older he will get on with them better as they won't be so needy. He is getting on better with my 19 yr old now as they can talk about adult stuff - news, politics, sport etc. There is obviously alot of trauma from his own childhood but he refuses to even talk about it.

That's even worse, because he's being selective. He's perfectly capable of being pleasant, friendly, engaged and charming. He has just chosen not to parent because, well, it's hard work, isn't it?
My friend's parents were Holocaust survivors. Can you imagine being a child in a ghetto and a death camp? That was their childhood.
You know what? They were excellent parents. Devoted, funny and kind.
There is literally no excuse to be such a horrible parent. He has chosen not to get help and not to try.

Tweedled · 12/10/2025 15:35

Imagine your children reading this thread.
Reading in black and white how their Father didn’t want them, doesn’t like them never mind love them, wants them out of the way so he can spend more time alone with their mother and finally, their own mother wondering if she should choose him over them?
Their own Mother asking that awful question.
Put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you would feel reading that about your parents choices?
Your husband is beyond horrible. It’s all about him, not you and most certainly not your children.
I find it unbelievable you have put up with this for all these years.

tinylegoscars · 12/10/2025 15:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

diddl · 12/10/2025 15:38

I remember her telling me I was mean making him come out with us.

Maybe that was just her 8yr old way of saying way hadn't he just stayed at home & not ruined the day?

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 12/10/2025 15:43

OP writes that he thinks he's looking forward to having grandchildren so he can "try again". Not really a chance he deserves though is it.

Trelow · 12/10/2025 15:48

His Shit parents are not a reason for him to be a shit dad. I left home at 16 and my parents never really patented me, that made me wanted to be a better parent to my kids. I can't believe you are struggling to choose between an a man child and your children who will always need you