Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Funnily enough he loves people and has lots of friends - he loves the company of other adults and he thinks that as the kids get older he will get on with them better as they won't be so needy. He is getting on better with my 19 yr old now as they can talk about adult stuff - news, politics, sport etc. There is obviously alot of trauma from his own childhood but he refuses to even talk about it.

You have both let your children down and abjectly so. Of course they know no different at home because this is the model you’ve both shown them. However, your children have friends and they see how their friends parents interact with them.

Does he have PDA and view the whole thing of children as one massive demand?
It's telling that the OP always writes "my" children - probably why some people think he's a step day whereas it just means she's the only actual parent they have.

Are you being deliberatley oblivious to the damage you and your H are doing to your children, or is it because you're dealing with the trauma so your brain is refusing to process it?

Yes, but the thing is that one day the scales will fall from their eyes, believe me.

It will happen when they go out into the world and see how their adult friends still interact with their parents - put simply, how their friend's parents still give a shit about them.

They will look and all they will see from their own parents is relief that they are no longer there. They will talk with friends, partners, even work colleagues and realise how fucking shit both their parents were when they were growing up. And I do include the OP in that, because - like my mother - she has enabled her husband to be a fucking beyond shit father...in fact, no real father at all. Cooking and cleaning is something he would have had to do anyway, whether the children were there or not.

I was in my 30s before I fully grasped how shit my childhood had actually been. I've been treated for C-PTSD for the last decade. The OP in mentioning grandchildren has moved into being not only stupid, but actually actively offensive. When do her children get a 'do over' of their own childhoods?

You both sound quite fucked up

So he can turn it on and off. He is a narcissist who is mentally and emotionally damaging your children. Get him out of your house now while they still talk to you and hopefully you can repair some of your relationship so it’s not affected permanently

Sadly, I think your mind is made up, but I'm just going to leave you with one final point - my ex is messed up emotionally. He is angry and resentful. He is civil to his parents but hates them both. Ironically he feels more let down by his mum because in his eyes, his dad has issues but his mum doesn't - she just sat back and let it happen. And forget time with grandchildren. Parents don't get to screw up their children's lives and then get a 'do over' with the grandchildren.

He is not a great husband at all . He cooks and sits in a different room from you all so he doesnt have to speak to you .
What a awful man . How you can be attracted to this pathetic arsehole is beyond me . How can you bear to be around someone who shows so much distain to your own kids . I wouldnt let him get his hopes up with grandchildren , as soon as the kids move out I doubt they will give him the time of day , how can he expect a second chance with their children when hes treated his own so badly .

You are massively missing the point @789vghu8 .

It is not that he doesn't want to go and help the 17 year old buy a tv as he thinks he should be able to do it, but not do his own washing, but because the washing means he doesn't have to spend any time with his kids.

he's tricked you pure and I simple and you're too blind to see it.

I literally had no parents. Childhood was shit. But my three kids are incredible, awesome, amazing, loving, caring, thoughtful, all the things you want for your child and they are supportive and giving to me too. Not their dad since I asked him to leave and he threw his toys out of the proverbial pram.

I hope you truly love your husband and he you as you are going to lose your kids. Fact.

You are refusing to address why you have allowed this to go on

Why have you posted?

Exactly. A pointless thread. OP has every intention of letting this continue.

You need to confront this now so your children dont end up marrying emotionally cold partners or being one themselves

I cant believe you allow him to stay in your home

If you stay with him then your relationship with any future grandchildren will be soured as he will be like this with them too. Such a horrible person.

Children need to be loved unconditionally

Not for being interesting. Not for having good politics chat. That's how we choose our friends.

Children are traumatised for life by a lack of unconditional love.

There is obviously alot of trauma from his own childhood but he refuses to even talk about it.

Just chooses to inflict the same damaging shit on his own kids.

I'm not sure his plan about spending time with grandchildren will come to fruition. Your own children might think his behaviour is normal, but their partners won't. It's entirely likely they won't want their children left in his care.

Oh he can definitely turn it on and off as he wishes.
He chose not to with it.
Narcissistic.
My father was the same, so charming when he wished to be.

The suggestion that children don't know when the dynamic is off in their house is so fanciful and self serving delusional.

I knew. As an young adult my friends knew too, that in essence my father was a prick.

Kids may not have the language when young, but they definitely find it when they mature.

I don’t know why you posted originally, you will defend your husband to the hilt and obviously are so entwined….
He gave you an ultimatum which perhaps he didn’t mean and you’ve certainly got no intention of changing things.
Your children are used to your husband’s cold fish ways, not being present for them, and you’ve stayed throughout.
Let’s hope they look back on their childhoods with the acceptance and fondness that you think they will.
Grandchildren are not ‘do over’ children, my children don’t have a close relationship with some of the grandparents because of how they behaved when we were growing up…

Indeed. Let's hope it's another work of fiction.

@789vghu8 Your husband won't get a chance of a do-over with grandchildren, your kids won't want anything to do with him! They may not have much time for you either as they realise how screwed up their childhood has been. They definitely won't want him around any of their children. My parents chose themselves and didn't bother with me, I don't bother with them. My OH's parents are pretty distant and not very helpful, they don't have a culture of helping each other out and it doesn't lead to close family ties, it's all for show.

DD remembers vividly a day out we had when she was about 8 and DH had a breakdown in the car park because it all got too much and the kids constantly wanted his attention because it was a rarity being out with him and I remember her telling me I was mean making him come out with us.

I cannot even begin to imagine the sorts of issues your DD has because she was raised by someone like this (and his enabler) and the myriad ways in which you have fucked up her adult relationships.

It sounds like he had an extremely strange childhood, but instead of acknowledging this, he has just attempted to replicate it. How on earth does an adult man think that his parents didn’t have time for him because they were too “in love”?

My DH and I are in love, and we parent together. Sometimes we’ll say things to each other like “one day it will be easier!” because we’re both in it together. There is no “why are you looking after our children, don’t you love me enough?” wtaf

Im also guessing that having their own children will open their eyes to what their father didnt do with them.
Or it will all becfine and you will all live happily as 4 adult flatmates as long as your children dont expect anything at all from you.

It does read like a wind-up

With each update things get worse…