Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Being autistic has nothing to do with it. My husband is autistic and annoyingly he is a bit more distant/absent than most fathers but he doesn't hate his child! He does want to care for him and spend time with him. To not want to ever spend time with your own children is weird and cruel.

This

Maybe you do want to grow old with him once the kids have moved out.

But he has to understand he is being cruel to you by putting you in this position. He is not being kind to his wife, who he loves.

You have to make him understand that you will not be abandoning your children and it is unreasonable to ask it. Unreasonable and cruel.

Apart from anything else, it would really damage your children. You can point out the damage that was done by his parents parenting the way they did.

It would also suck the joy out of your life. Cruel. Can you love someone cruel?

You are so close to being alone together, can’t he just hang on? You’ve put up with so much from him, and you’ve done ALL the parenting these last 20 years, can’t he give something back to you?

You may end up with no grandchildren anyway - I can think of a few people in my life who absolutely did not want children because their own childhood was awful.
One of them had parents just like your DHs - so in love with each other that she was mostly ignored. And it fucked her up, causing her to make shocking choices wrt men - both her husbands turned out to be cocklodgers and/or drug/alcohol addicts, she basically had to give up her life to look after them. Fortunately, she divorced one and the other is dead, and she has no plans to ever get into another relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You can imagine growing old with him?. Why exactly?. Because he cooks and cleans?.
he wil furthermore be a rubbish example of a grandfather to his grandchildren. Look at your in-laws op, your man will be like them. His parents shut him out and as a result he’s done the self same to his children.

If you do grow old with him your then adult children will not want to go and visit you very often, if at all. They could well accuse you of putting him before them. And you will still be wondering why they do not visit.

This you have are also putting your needs front and centre whilst still maintaining you are a good parent

honestly if I were your DIL I would not be wanting him to have contact with my children because I am sure your children have a view on their father

he can’t both ask to pick and what to be a grandfather

I couldn’t be with him no matter how much of a jovial cheekie chappie he is without the kids around. In fact his change in mood, and the reasons behind it, would turn my stomach.

And actually DH father was pretty rubbish and his sister from her childhood didn’t want kids. DH’s issue is sometimes he has to be reigned in with ours because he wants to overcompensate for his upbringing

Why does everyone on here seem to blame shitty behaviour on their partner potentially being autistic 🙄 There are plenty of autistic parents who try hard to actually parent and be involved with their children’s lives. I doubt your children will want much to do with him after they leave home and so if you stay with him they’ll probably not visit you much either.

Absolutely this.

Your poor children.

he called your children a massive mistake and you can “imagine growing old with him?!”

I would put money on them not allowing him near their own children OP, I don’t care how jovial he is on weekends away, I couldn’t imagine even wanting him to look at me, let alone touch and grow old with jfc.

it just gets worse at this thread progresses

I don’t think he has autism, I think he has arrested development due to his own childhood. That’s no excuse though (my ex also has emotional arrested development and I’ve never excused him, hence being ex).

Absolutely. Most of my friends are looking at moving closer to their adult children so they can enjoy grandchildren help with childcare and, really, just be an active supportive part of their lives.

But then, they haven’t allowed their DH’s to be psychologically abusive and neglectful of them throughout their entire childhoods.

I fear (predict) that unless OP makes the grand gesture of choosing them now, she may never see them as adults anyway. I never saw my mother again once I left home for uni. I never forgave her and certainly didn’t want her anywhere near my children - a decision I made with my DH after long discussions.

Isn't it ironic that a man who has been a terrible father, who has clearly waited all these years for his kids to leave, has the gall to expect them to be 'grown up' and independent at such a young age when he is a HUGE MAN CHILD WHO WANTS YOU TO HIMSELF SO YOU CAN MOTHER HIM RATHER THAN YOUR OWN CHILDREN?!!

He really is a shit. A huge, evil SHIT.

Please choose your kids and get rid, ASAP.

I can only imagine the level of gaslighting this 'man' has subjected you to over the years for you to have allowed this to go on for so long.

Your poor kids, OP, honestly 😣

He made a mistake having children - which was HIS mistake and now he is punishing you all for it. What did he think having kids would be, all fun and games and no hard work?

He is not the only parent who has found parenting less than blissful. But what grown adults do is own their feelings, take responsibility for their choices and get on with it. Or go to therapy. Or, do the decent thing if you really can't cope and leave so that your children don't have to grow up being resented every day of their lives for having normal healthy needs and feeling like one of their parents can't even bear their presence.

He is horrible, and OP has enabled the emotional neglect and abuse of her children by staying. But never mind, he's a fun guy on a night out!

When we are alone without the children which does happen frequently as they are much older he is like a different person, he is funny happy and jovial. We have had weekends away and it is brilliant we got on so well.

Because he's getting all of the attention.

He is a literal toddler!

What do you think life is going to be like when you have grandkids?

Sounds like he has reenacted his neglectful upbringing by neglecting his own children and assuming you and he can focus on each other while shutting out the kids- just like his parents did to him.

The fact he didn't want counselling or to talk about his childhood means he has no intention of healing his wounds and trying to do anything differently. I'd be surprised if he makes an effort with any grandchildren.

Sadly, the cycle may repeat itself although as you've been around for your children hopefully not. They will be damaged by your husbands neglect of them though.

If he is making you chose between him and the kids be aware you are complicit in acting out his upbringing and causing further harm.

I wish you would tell him bluntly that none of this is acceptable and he needs to work through his childhood in counselling, but I suspect you won't want to do that.

Out of interest, when you’re out on your weekends away who looks after the children?

I hope this means that

1. they do have somebody in their lives who actually cares about them
2. presumably he’s a massive hypocrite if he’s happy to accept support (presumably from family?) to look after his kids yet isn’t willing to lift a finger for his own - now and on the future.

Your update about him trying again with grandchildren made things worse.
He was my father. I would not let my children anywhere near him. He’s pathetic.

He thinks you should either prioritise your adult kids, or him?

I say prioritise yourself and your adult kids.

Ditch him.

Just to say, my dad, who is almost 80, still talks with sorrow and anger about his awful, selfish father. The man who never attended one single event involving his children. My dad at one point was a champion county athlete - my grandfather never once came to watch him compete, not even when a half marathon literally went past the end of their road. He created six children with three wives and had zero interest in any of them. Even worse, I don’t think he felt one iota of guilt either. Hopefully your kids won’t be as affected.

I'm beginning to think he chose well when he chose you. He is charming ,funny, good company when it's just you two, enough to convince you that you have a good relationship and can have going forwards. Meanwhile he is totally detached from your shared children, never wanted them, left all the parenting to you, borderline cruel and abusive.
The cost of staying with him once your children are adults and making their own lives may be you becoming increasingly detached from them and their future families. As for his plans for a do over with grandchildren, I truly hope he doesn't get the opportunity. Another generation fucked up.

I’m really sorry but OP you will never be able to have the post kids lifestyle that you and your husband imagine unless both your children die.
You have to make a decision - do you want to be part of your children’s adult life or do you want to just be with the happy husband.
most young people live at home after uni, and GP help out with childcare until GC teenagers. Would you be able to go to and take part in their weddings? What did they divorce or separate? Given the model of marriage they have seen I’m surprised there are mental health issues affecting your children.
if you are happy to leave your kids to it and for them to know they were really unwanted and a burden to both their parents then stick with your husband but if you believe being a parent is for life then you have some tough decisions to make.

I’ve decided to unwatch and hide this thread as it is quite triggering to those of us who had traumatic and abusive childhoods and chose to fight to give our kids the opposite of that, who chose partners who supported us in that goal - or kicked them out if they weren’t up to the job. I will never understand a mother passively allowing her children to experience this level of emotional neglect and abuse, even though I DO understand she may have been a victim herself.

OP has an opportunity to step up and try to ameliorate the damage she has allowed her husband to do. She has a chance to get some therapy for herself now. I hope she comes back to MN to say she’s asked him to leave and chosen to prioritise her children. I am not hopeful, though.

If OP chooses him over their children, most people, including me, would judge her quite harshly,

I suspect OP has already chosen him over her own children and was hoping people would tell her her kids will be fine and she will have a life of bliss with him and her kids will pop in occasionally but not too often and drop the grandkids off ( but not too often or for too long!