Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

767 replies

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 21:58

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP posts:
TheLilacStork · 12/10/2025 12:31

3within3 · 11/10/2025 23:15

He does not get to make you choose. HE is making a choice here, which is the three of you or none of you. HIS CHOICE. Do not let him put this on you, turn it back on him because that is exactly what’s happening.

Also THIS is quite true, why do you have to choose between being his wife or their mother? You should make him choose between having a family or not. It is his choice. And sorry but he has never chosen your children. Agree that he is almost punishing the children for daring to be loved, jealous that they are having the childhood he didn’t. I hope you can move forward on this.

BuckChuckets · 12/10/2025 12:31

Your poor kids. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you genuinely don't seem to understand the damage this has probably already done to them. You sound more bothered about your relationship with this horrible man.

Starlight7080 · 12/10/2025 12:34

789vghu8 · 12/10/2025 12:13

When we are alone without the children which does happen frequently as they are much older he is like a different person, he is funny happy and jovial. We have had weekends away and it is brilliant we got on so well. He just says the kids completely drain him and always have and I think he thought that when they got to about 14 all type of parenting duties would just stop. When we can talk about it properly he does get upset about how he feels but it is something he says he cannot change.

I can imagine growing old with him because he is such great fun to be around but I do resent him as he is a shit father. He has admitted several times that fatherhood is not for him and he made a massive mistake having children but he says he is looking forward to grandchildren because he can try again and they aren't his children so there are no expectations and he can give them back when he has had enough. He had a great relationship with his grandad as his parents were so wrapped up in each other he spent alot of time with his grandad.

A really good friend of mine has the opposite problem her partner is a fab dad and is amazing with the kids but hates it when just the two of them because he gets so much joy from the kids. She left him last year as she said she does not want to grow old with him.

In what world do you think kids who have been neglected by a useless dad then suddenly have grandkids and let him have a relationship with them?? You cant honestly think they will become adults and forget how crap he is !
I just dont get how you can just accept it based on him being super nice to you. Its mad you have just accepted his behaviour.

Pearl69 · 12/10/2025 12:34

I had some sympathy for you op until your latest update. How you can have fun and jovial weekends away with a partner who never checked into parent hood and has left you carrying the entire load all this time.

he will shut down all contact with your DCs and any grandchildren. (Whatever he claims ). Seems you ve made up your mind to stay. Hope your DCs will be ok. I just can’t imagine.

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 12:38

So - your update says that you have great weekends away with him, and you can imagine growing old with him?
He's fun and jovial?
So that trumps the shocking parenting and terrible impact on your children?
Plus - no, he won't get to enjoy grandchildren. He just likes the idea because he'll have no responsibility.

Eyesopenwideawake · 12/10/2025 12:39

I hope he earns a lot. There's going to be a shit load of therapy bills coming your way.

TwistedWonder · 12/10/2025 12:44

PeachyKoala · 12/10/2025 12:29

I've read your follow up comments OP and you don't seem particularly bothered by the fact that your children's childhoods have effectively been ruined and you stood by and let it happen. In fact, you seem to be incredibly focused on yourself and your husband. I hope your poor children manage to access all the therapy they are clearly going to need!

Edited

I agree. She honestly doesn’t seem to care that they’ve completely fucked up their kids childhood and is actively counting down the days til they move out so her and cuntface can pretend they don’t exist and live like lives young dream - and yet they expect to be doting grandparents.

Hes s complete piece of shit but she’s as selfish as him - those poor kids being lumbered with such shit parents.

mumonthehill · 12/10/2025 12:45

The thing is and what you do not seem to get is that he and you will not have any relationship with your adult dc, why would they bother with him when he does not with them, they will literally vote with their feet and you will lose out hugely.

mullers1977 · 12/10/2025 12:46

DoRayMeMeMe · 12/10/2025 12:14

I don’t know, “Shit Father” is a very unattractive quality.

For me, the complete lack of insight, and indeed curiosity, that this man seems to show would be incompatible with any sort of relationship.
There is a huge difference between “reclaiming Us” when Us was together in the trenches, compared to “I should be the centre of attention here, and I am bloody resentful of the time you are taking to bring up my children”.

Maybe he hates being a Dad, that creates no imperative on OP to fuck her children out of the nest on his foreshortened timeline, particularly when he simultaneously wants to blame her for it.

You are right that some people really don’t like the actuality of parenting- they have no right to complain when the other parent loses all respect for them because of it.

Show quote history

Exactly this -i wouldn't like someone that’s a bad parent, let alone was to spend the rest of my life with them, and what about grandchildren …. My parents doted on mine together

TwistedWonder · 12/10/2025 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maia77 · 12/10/2025 12:49

Sadly your husband hasn't dealt with his own relational trauma stemming from childhood neglect. Also, being a loving and caring parent is not something that was modelled for him growing up, so he hasn't really developed the skills or the emotional understanding needed to do that. Caregiving situations can also be quite triggering for him, as they remind him of what he never had, or what he has not fully grieved.

ilovesushi · 12/10/2025 12:49

He wants to give it a proper go with future grandchildren? His own children are still school age and living at home! No, now is the time to give it a go with his own children. So easy to say these empty words and pull the wool over your eyes. Do you really think your own children are going to visit if he is still at home and risk their own kids experiencing the distain and dislike they get on a daily basis?

You know that we all make mistakes in life and then we deal with the consequences. We don't just say ah well having children wasn't right for me I will now and forever more just ignore them as they grow up around me. No, we knuckle down and do the right thing.

This is not a family. It is split in two even under the same roof. I just can't imagine how the children deal with this on a daily basis.

EmeraldDreams73 · 12/10/2025 12:51

OP, your updates are monumentally depressing. I very much hope that your kids fuck off out of your house without a backward glance, get some therapy, and develop nurturing relationships and families of their own so they can break this awful pattern.

The thought of them rocking up to give the pair of you a chance at being doting grandparents (when it suits you) is laughable.

I repeat. They deserve SO MUCH better.

BeLilacSloth · 12/10/2025 12:53

OP if he’s such a great partner why don’t you both just up and move and leave the kids to it. Sounds like deep down you both resent your children and they’d probably be better off wothout the both of you.

diddl · 12/10/2025 12:53

He just says the kids completely drain him and always have

But he has never done anything for or with them.

He won't even eat a meal with them.

he says he is looking forward to grandchildren because he can try again

No he can't he's had his chance at parenthood!

Pretty certain now that this is a wind up but if not I hope your kids tell you both to fuck off & protect any kids they might have from the pair of you.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2025 12:54

Avie29 · 12/10/2025 10:41

Wow ok calm down, have you read OPs last post? He is great at everything else just not with the kids, i think what OP is trying to get at is once the kids leave home and become less dependent he would be a great partner to grow old with, some people get stressed and can’t handle the responsibility of a child or have children and realise they don’t really like being a parent and many times i have seen people on here admit they hate being a parent, im not sticking up for him or anything but im pretty good at seeing things from both sides, he has waited 17/18 years and simply wants his wife back, because we as mums do change and aren’t the person we were before we have kids- i know with absolute certainty that i have/did and will it be nice to one day go back to it being just me and OH without the stress of kids- damn straight it will xx

Show quote history

But they - and possibly their children - will still be in your life

He doesn't want that

Thatstheheatingon · 12/10/2025 12:54

Why on earth would your adult children spend time with him once they have their own children? And how resentful and messed up would it be if he's going to the gcs football games etc when he'd never do it for his own children?
They are only teenagers. He still have time to make a better go of it with them and I would make that a condition of staying with him.
Has he had counselling/coaching anything at all? His being autistic will likely mean he burns out from company. However, he seems pretty selective about this since he doesn't have time for his children even in small doses.

CautiousLurker01 · 12/10/2025 12:55

mumonthehill · 12/10/2025 12:45

The thing is and what you do not seem to get is that he and you will not have any relationship with your adult dc, why would they bother with him when he does not with them, they will literally vote with their feet and you will lose out hugely.

Yes because if she choses him now it is the ultimate betrayal of her children.

I am frankly shocked by this thread.

Bloozie · 12/10/2025 12:55

Ask him if he really does want you to choose between him and the children, because it would be the children every time. It's not like you even have a choice. He's already so disengaged from them, that if you give up too, they'll become orphans, except with their parents still alive, which is its own kind of hell.

His neurodiversity does come into it, but he needs to recognise that's a him problem, for want of a better word , and find better coping strategies than simply opting out of difficult things.

I'd find it a very unattractive quality.

CautiousLurker01 · 12/10/2025 12:57

ilovesushi · 12/10/2025 12:49

He wants to give it a proper go with future grandchildren? His own children are still school age and living at home! No, now is the time to give it a go with his own children. So easy to say these empty words and pull the wool over your eyes. Do you really think your own children are going to visit if he is still at home and risk their own kids experiencing the distain and dislike they get on a daily basis?

You know that we all make mistakes in life and then we deal with the consequences. We don't just say ah well having children wasn't right for me I will now and forever more just ignore them as they grow up around me. No, we knuckle down and do the right thing.

This is not a family. It is split in two even under the same roof. I just can't imagine how the children deal with this on a daily basis.

Yes, he is gaslighting the OP with the ‘I’ll do better with grandchildren’.

He’ll never see them as his children will likely have nothing to do with him when they are adults. They’ll likely have nothing to do with OP if she chooses him, either.

Cornflakes44 · 12/10/2025 12:57

I can not believe you have allowed your children to experience their childhood living with a man who clearly can’t stand them. What on earth is this going to teach them about their worth, about relationships, about what’s it’s appropriate for women to put up with. The fact you don’t even see this as that bad is massively worrying. How you could possibly be thinking about ‘choosing him’ over them? It’s appalling.

DramaLlamacchiato · 12/10/2025 12:58

So what is it OP, does he have loads of money or a golden cock? Just trying to work out your motivation for not telling him to shape up or fuck off years ago

Ellie56 · 12/10/2025 12:59

Why on earth have you subjected your children to this awful man for so long? Only a shit dad would expect you to choose between him and them.

Do now what you should have done years ago and walk away from this selfish self centred twat.

Your kids come first every time.

stargazer2012 · 12/10/2025 12:59

You’ve already stayed with him too long. What will he be like with grandchildren, forbid you to see them!? Dump the man baby and be free to do as you please.

Hotterthebetter · 12/10/2025 13:00

Your husband sounds awful. Children first. Always.

I’d argue, they need you just as much as adults as they ever did as children - just differently.
My husband would drop everything if one of our sons needed him for anything. They are at the stage now where they are buying properties and starting their own families and he is always at one of their houses fixing something, decorating or even just cutting the grass. Anything to make their lives easier.
Seeing the amazing father and grandfather my husband has become, has made me love him all the more.

Swipe left for the next trending thread