Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Oh Op, I really feel for you. He sounds like my father. My mother chose him, and I was kicked out when I turned 16. I still went back and acted as a carer in my late 20s when he needed it and Mum couldn’t manage on her own, but knowing my parents didn’t actually want me - a baby sure, but not me as an actual person - has shaped so much of my life. Please don’t do that to your children.

'He has absolutely no problem cooking a meal for 4 every night often from scratch- although he then eats his outside or in the living room so he doesn't have to talk to us- but if it is just me and him he is so different much less grumpy and relaxed'

This is so awful to read, your poor kids. They've had years of having such a negative atmosphere created by your dh, this will have a long lasting effect on their wellbeing. I could not be with someone who behaved like this. Who cares about cooking from scratch when he then won't even chat to his own kids.

You need to put your dc first and get them away from this emotionally negligent 'father'. Bit late in the day but you showing that they are your priority may help them in coping with his neglect.

How can a mother love someone that hates her kids? It's bad enough if it's a step-dad but even worse when it's the children's own dad.

Once the kids leave, he won't want them to visit or for OP to visit them. He won't want her to see any grandchildren they may have. He obviously has absolutely no empathy, to the point of being psychopathic.

If OP chooses him over their children, most people, including me, would judge her quite harshly,

There he is! He's running around helping others because he gets praised for it. No one praises him parenting.

So you've done all the work and now he thinks it's his turn to be mothered. He's jealous of your relationship with the DC.

Imagine another 40 years of this? He's the one who's a joy sucker.

I'd get rid of him. Both of mine are proper adults and they still and will always come before anyone.

OP, look forward into the future. Maybe you will be blessed with Grandchildren, would you want to have a relationship with those children ? Is your cold hearted husband going to allow them to have any of your time, is he going to sulk if you want to have them stay overnight ? Or even worse are your children going to refuse to have their children anywhere near your home because they know how awful their father is. Stay with him and that could be what you face.

I’m so sorry. This is so sad to read. I think that you need to show the children they matter and that at least one of their parents would ‘choose them’ every time. I know your children are older but they will always be your children and you may have grandchildren in the future. I suppose it depends on what you envision for your future

OP’s husband seems to have a palpable dislike of his children. I’m sure nobody is expecting OP to be ‘parenting’ her children when they’re in their 20/30/40s but this doesn’t sound like a man who is willing to do them even a favour.

I’ve had very severe PND and I get that it’s difficult to be a parent/feelings of not enjoying it but I knew I couldn’t give into that. I chose to have my son. OP couldn’t have had two children without her husband playing a part in conceiving them! I engaged with the mental health team, I took medication, I went to therapy. I wanted to do everything I could to give my baby the best start in life and that includes being as active, involved and loving as I can be. I personally think anyone who chooses to have a child should have a similar outlook.

When I was going through this my mum came to watch the baby so I could sleep at times, or clean the flat. My dad filled my freezer with home cooked meals. They helped my husband and I sort the nursery (premature baby so we weren’t ready at all). Put up flat pack furniture, watched him while we did an ikea run, took stuff to the tip for us. They’ve also babysat so we can have some time as a couple.

Same as I help them out - dog sit for them so they can go away, help them with clearing out my late gran’s house, give them advice holiday planning, help in the garden, share the cooking and hosting at Christmas etc.

We’re not joined at the hip but we have an active role in each others lives and help each other out because we love each other. They came to my graduation, we celebrate birthdays, Christmas etc. We’re the same with DH’s family. It really doesn’t sound like OP is going to be able to have that with her children (unless things change).

I can’t see this man going to his children’s graduation ceremonies or being interested in them meeting a partner or getting a promotion. If DH was like that with my little boy it would break my heart.

My OH left his parents when he was 14yo. They were appalling. In a cult and that cult was all encompassing and abusive. He left the cult, that meant he left them.

He is also somewhat autistic (not diagnosed officially tho, so many of his traits fall into autism category)

He went overboard on his kids upbringing from why I can gather, worked hard, built a business and still moved heaven on earth to do as much as he could with the kids.

his wife left him for someone else because she wasn’t getting attention

he says, they were my kids too, they need a dad

@789vghu8 your H upbringing was so bad, so similar in so many way, but they dealt with it totally differently.

im wondering… your H? How terrible would it be for him to be divorced? I’m guessing to him it would be catastrophic

this may be his kryptonite, ask him if divorce is really what he wants? For you to tell all your friends that he’s not wanted to be a family man and forced you to choose your kids over him? That he wasn’t decent enough to stay with? this may be enough to put him the fuck back into his box.

you can’t change him, you can’t repair the relationships between his children and him.

im guessing you do him favours? Perhaps that all stops now too.

Your kids WILL fledge at some point, your kids will be both away at university as of next autumn? He may find this phase easier, and may relax a bit. He may become more embedded in his stance tho

what do your kids think? Would they be ok with you splitting with their dad?

@789vghu8 I’m guessing that the arrival of his kids has shown him JUST how fucking awful HIS childhood was and he can’t process it.

He's a crap father so a crap husband. Why do you even want this man-child after the kids have gone? I'd be seeing a solicitor for some legal advice. How can you have any respect for him?

Sounds like my ex. I was a single mum of two when I met him. He was ten years younger. I thought he was interesting and the proverbial Knight in armour. Turned out he was only interested in sex, and having food put on the table and his clothes washed. and being looked after. I mistook his interest in sleeping with me for love. I became pregnant soon after meeting him, he moved in, we got married and had a child. That's when his interest in me faded, despite me doing everything I could to make him happy. There were problems with my two older children which he did nothing to help me with. Eventually I asked him to go as his interest in family life was zero, sex was a chore and only happened after we'd been out drinking with my friends.
I've much happier since he left.

When we are alone without the children which does happen frequently as they are much older he is like a different person, he is funny happy and jovial. We have had weekends away and it is brilliant we got on so well. He just says the kids completely drain him and always have and I think he thought that when they got to about 14 all type of parenting duties would just stop. When we can talk about it properly he does get upset about how he feels but it is something he says he cannot change.

I can imagine growing old with him because he is such great fun to be around but I do resent him as he is a shit father. He has admitted several times that fatherhood is not for him and he made a massive mistake having children but he says he is looking forward to grandchildren because he can try again and they aren't his children so there are no expectations and he can give them back when he has had enough. He had a great relationship with his grandad as his parents were so wrapped up in each other he spent alot of time with his grandad.

A really good friend of mine has the opposite problem her partner is a fab dad and is amazing with the kids but hates it when just the two of them because he gets so much joy from the kids. She left him last year as she said she does not want to grow old with him.

I don’t know, “Shit Father” is a very unattractive quality.

For me, the complete lack of insight, and indeed curiosity, that this man seems to show would be incompatible with any sort of relationship.
There is a huge difference between “reclaiming Us” when Us was together in the trenches, compared to “I should be the centre of attention here, and I am bloody resentful of the time you are taking to bring up my children”.

Maybe he hates being a Dad, that creates no imperative on OP to fuck her children out of the nest on his foreshortened timeline, particularly when he simultaneously wants to blame her for it.

You are right that some people really don’t like the actuality of parenting- they have no right to complain when the other parent loses all respect for them because of it.

This is a joke right?
Choosing between your DH (dick head husband) and kids…. Clearly you get rid of him. He sounds like an arsehole! Why have kids if he doesn’t want to look after them?!
Surely you know the answer here!!

So another post that’s all about you and him justifying why you’ve been complicit in ruining your kids childhood and why you’ll continue choosing this cunt over your kids.

And I hope and pray you and him aren’t allowed anywhere near any future grandchildren - neither of you deserve a second chance. You had your chance to be good parents and you fucked it up. You and him are selfish - you deserve each other. I hope your DC grow up to realise what you’ve done and go NC.

My kids could be 40, fully grown adults with their own lives, kids, spouses etc and I’d still choose them over a man!

So would any decent mother who hasn’t been complicit in ruining their kids childhood and still thinking ‘me me me me me’

Your husband is a shit bag. He won't be a good grandad as he clearly doesn't like children. He'll never have a good relationship with his own kids. Stop wasting your life on this man.

Exactly this.

What a dick.

I’d rather be single and just dip in and out of my adult kids lives when they needed me than ditch them to spend my older years with this miserable arsehole

The audacity of him to expect the children the has emotionally neglected their entire lives to hand over their children to him so he can be some sort of Disney grandad. Especially while despite recognising how messed up this situation is whilst refusing to do anything about him.

Honestly OP, if you’re prepared to tolerate this then I hope your children find lives and partners that encourage their self worth and how they don’t deserve to be treated like crap by factor of their existence and take a huge step away from their parents. Hopefully their eyes will be opened once they start getting into adult relationships and meeting the in laws to how deeply dysfunctional their childhood was (driven by their dad but facilitated by you). Hopefully they’re able to break the cycle.

Why have you allowed this to continue for so long? By doing so you're complicit in his awful treatment of your children.

‘will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves.’

No, he’s after their money.

It’s a no brainier this one. I’d have kicked him out years ago.

I feel so sorry for your poor children. You and your husband sound so toxic, you’re complicit in ruining your children’s lives.

I bet he isn’t autistic but even if he was it doesn’t explain this behaviour. Stop it OP. It’s extremely offensive.

I've read your follow up comments OP and you don't seem particularly bothered by the fact that your children's childhoods have effectively been ruined and you stood by and let it happen. In fact, you seem to be incredibly focused on yourself and your husband. I hope your poor children manage to access all the therapy they are clearly going to need!