Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

My dh is on the spectrum.. His dps stopped parenting him (if they ever really did) at 14 when they went abroad for Christmas and left him at home alone..
He is a fantastic df to our dc. And to my older dc.

ASD isn't an excuse to be a cunt.
Ltb and don't look back op.. A fab life awaits you and your dc.

I fear he will get his wish of peace when his dc never bother with him.
As is his due...

The OPs last post where she says that he’s only nice to be around when they’re out without the children (otherwise he’s in a ‘grumpy mood’)? Or that she couldn’t go out when the children were younger as he refused to look after his own children? Or that he wants to control how OP uses her phone? Sits apart from his wife and children so ‘he doesn’t have to talk to them’?

Or the post before where she says she should have left years ago but thought it would get better?

Of course having children changes you - but it should change both parents, not just mum. This man is essentially asking her to cut her (their!) children off from any normal parent/child relationship and focus on him.

I presume whilst you’re looking forward to your children leaving home you are still planning on seeing them? Being there for them if they want some advice on work or buying a house etc? Maybe helping babysit grandkids? Because it sounds like this is all the sort of thing OP will be expected to give up.

Your children will always need you. I couldn’t have tolerated this hostility against my child for so long, you must be exhausted.

Jesus why would you even care. Give your head a wobble ffs. You should be angrier at all of this, and I bet most of the 18+ pages of comments would support this.

He clearly wanted to spread his genetic material, but not actually be a father. He shouldn't be surprised that when he's old an infirm, that his children won't come running to look after him.

As a parent, you should be on the lookout that your children don't also choose shitty, low effort partners because that's all they've ever known in their father.

I feel so sorry for your children that their dad is so distant from them.
We have 2 dcs and dh has always been hands on, dcs have an amazing relationship with their dad. Both have lots in common and shared interests and I cant see this changing.
Dd is in her 3rd year at uni and we went over to hers for tea and cake yesterday (she only lives in the next city). We've got Halloween and Christmas things planned to do with her and her boyfriend, she has her own life but because we have a good relationship we still do things as a family as we do nuit spending time together. Dh has never said no to them if they need or want help with something, I can't imagine he ever would.

The children won’t have a response at the moment. This is their normal, and they will be simply surviving the remains of their childhood.

Once they are adults and not relying on that POS for survival, they will make their decisions, access therapy and understand the depth of the damage that has been done to them. They will have a lifetime of recovery quite frankly. One expects love from at least your own parents, and without children may feel intrinsically unloveable.

The response will come later, and op will have decades to reflect on both her and her husband’s actions.

The damage was done decades ago when his parents excluded him from their unit.
He's not willing to consider therapy.
Its not surprising that he's repeated the pattern.

You can't fix this.
Unless you cut off your children in the same way his parents did you will never be happy together (or he will never be happy).

I think you need therapy to support you to leave. And to support your children when they realise that one of their parents have resents their existence.

I couldn't love a man like that, sorry. I know you say he has other qualities, but he doesn't love his own kids and is an arse about it. I'd rather be on my own.

For a moment there I was thinking maybe the DC could be showing a bit more independence so that you should be getting a bit more time to yourself. Then… wham, he wants your attention for himself, not to support you.

not good, sorry.

She should have left years ago, i would have, but i think OP loves him as a partner -just not as a dad and its always easy to say looking in “oh you should leave him/her he/she is a twat”.
A good question- OP is he saying you cannot have a relationship with your kids AT ALL or just to take a step back with parenting as they are now older?
To be honest i would be annoyed if my nearly adult child rang me on a night out for a wifi password especially if it was the only time i felt relieved/relaxed for a few hours, but yes the reaction of making her turn her phone off was OTT.
Maybe its just me but while yes i would still love to see my kids, once they leave home i am not going to be parenting them, yes i will be here for them if they ever need me, but otherwise i am keeping my nose out and getting on with my life, and call me mean but unless its for important events, no i will not be babysitting grandkids xx

I'm not sure I'm convinced this is real.

Assuming it is. Your husband, by being such an openly reluctant and neglectful father, will have doubtlessly done a lot of emotional damage to your poor kids. It's one (terrible) thing having a father who walks out and wants nothing to do with his children, but I think it must be extremely hard to physically live with a father who makes his disinterest and dislike so abundantly clear on a daily basis. Is he ever affectionate with them at all?

Nobody here can make the decision for you OP but if my husband asked me to essentially cut off our young adult children, I'd be cheerfully packing his bags before he finished his sentence.

I strongly recommend therapy for you and the children either way.

What an awful selfish human being OP. There really is no excuse. He hasn't learned anything at all in 19 years of there being children present in your household. He has remained the most important person in his life. That will not change. You are not his priority. His children most definitely are not his priority
'Not knowing what parenting involves' and having neglectful parents is not a reason to be shit at parenting. My mother left when I was two. I had no experience of looking after babies or kids till I had one at 32. I had no bond with my firstborn - probably due to undiagnosed PND. I still put my kids first because I am responsible for them and if anything, being rejected by a parent made me more determined that they will never feel like that.
So mine are 18 and 15 now and I am sounding board, bank, taxi, arranger, feeder, parent evening go-er, organiser of all things, and I will remain there for them until my dying day, because they will always need me - that is what parents are for. You are a parent. He is a selfish shitbag.

I do loads for my adult and not quite adult children. Only youngest still at home. Paid part of nursery fees to school age for one of my dds when she fell pregnant. Paid another's rent when she lost her job. Youngest, I am happily taking to uni open days and paying for a tutor.
Dh loves them. If he asked me to choose between supporting them and being with him, he knows what the answer would be.
Given your dh is not going to change/get worse what do you want to do?

Re: Open Days, I think parents go with kids now to help them make an informed decision.
That are preparing to take on a huge debt that they will be paying off for years so someone else's view on which University/course to choose is invaluable. It's similar to asking someone to view houses or flats with you.

My own kids asked me or their dad to go with them for this very reason so, no, it's not molly-coddling or odd to go along.

Gosh, OP that's tough.

I get that you think he's a decent man - and of course there are many worse fathers. But it sounds as though he doesn't actually want to be or enjoy being a dad and has just gone through some of the motions. No wonder he does 't have much of a relationship with the DC.

Your coping mechanism for this seems to have been to put up with it and separate you doing all the relationship parts of parenting (and most of the practical bits) while he dips in and out depending on his level of patience.

Your DC are on one hand at a more independent level - his view of this might be "finally, he can stop doing anything at all for them" while you presumably want to still maintain the relationship and move it onto an adult level.

Do you love him and want to stay together? If so, can you accept that you will be the one making space for your kids and doing things for them while he continues to pretend they barely exist?

I had to re-read your OP to make sure I hadn't misunderstood that they were both your DC and he wasn't a stepdad.

If you can't put up with this, then you will have to decide to separate, you will at least be able to have the relationship you want with your DC and live the rest of your life on your terms.

Agree.
As adults they will fully understand the awfulness of his behaviour.

My friend had a similar father, but knew no better.
She loved her mother who did absolutely everything for them growing up, whilst her father suited himself with his hobbies, golf etc.

When her mother died unexpectedly, her father, mid 60's, selfishly assumed his two daughters would step into the role of looking after him.
He got an awful shock as both girls completely dropped the rope.
Neither cared if they saw really him much again and between jobs and children made it very clear that he had better crack on and get on with it.
He did get on with it, learned how to wash clothes etc. He took to eating at his club a lot, but survived.

He eventually needed care after a stroke and was dispatched to a nursing home from hospital as there was no question of either girls being involved.

The positive is they both married good men who are fully involved husbands and fatgers, they wouldn't tolerate any less.

I could never go out when kids were little as he wouldn't look after them and kids wouldn't stay with him anyway but he has no issue with me going out with friends etc now.

This would have alerted me years ago to the fact that he needed to go. Your DC’s wouldn’t stay with him anyway? Did your inner alarm bells not ring loudly?

I do appreciate that it is easy to ignore the little things, to not notice when they get bigger or accumulate into a mass that now, looking back on it, seems enormous but I really do think you have been sticking your head in the sand. He has been coercively controlling you all for nearly 20 years, he has used passive aggressive psychological abuse to keep you walking on eggs shells and tending to your children such that they don’t bother him. You may not have realised it at first because these types of abusers build up gradually. But do not mistake this - you are in an abusive relationship and he is now seeing the opportunity to cut you off from your children - which will give him even more control.

I fully appreciate that it is scary contemplating a life without him, but I truly would consider leaving him now. Even if your half of the sale of the family home meant you had to downsize to a 2 bed home/flat and get a sofa bed so that your children could still stay with you when home from uni, they would be happier than a home where they have been excluded, ignored and neglected by their father. The act of you leaving him will show them you value them above him and help restore any self esteem issues. It will model being brave and self-respecting when all they have seen is you tiptoeing around him.

"there are many worse fathers"
I'm sure there are, @Schoolchoicesucks , but if the OP looks at it like that, she may be inclined to tolerate it, iyswim?
Your other points are valid.

Does he literally have no feelings whatsoever for his children? They are just an unwanted presence in the house that he can't wait to get rid of? This is not normal. This is so hurtful for you and your children.

I think he wants you to himself not because he loves or values you for who you are, but for how it relates to his own convenience. He is choosing himself every time. You feel you are being forced to choose between him and them. He has never ever ever considered your feelings or their feelings.

Just because your children are teenagers it doesn't mean your relationship with them is drawing to an end. For sure it is about to enter a different phase and as they get on wit their own lives in their late teens/ early twenties they will most likely not be seeing you on a daily or even weekly basis, but you are still their mum. Sadly he has never been their dad.

This is not a relationship worth pursuing. He repeatedly shows his distain and dislike for the children. I can't even imagine the damage to them. You mention mental health issues. I am not surprised.

Get him gone. Now. Enjoy these last years of your kids at home without the blight of your selfish H.

This won’t get any better and although your adult children will be much more independent there will be lots of times they will still want and value your involvement. He will kick off again. Once he gets used to them living independently he won’t want them visiting for weekends or Christmas or returning home if they have any problems. You will be always be torn between them.
Tell him you have had enough and if he doesn’t have counselling and change you are leaving. But I don’t think he will turn it round at this late stage and as he gets older and more curmudgeonly he will get worse.
How would you feel if he does this when grandchildren are visiting or he doesn’t want them all
coming at Christmas?
Unfortunately he is quite damaged and your children will suffer if you stay with him, as will you.
Get out while you can.

My ds1 (12.5) probably thinks I’ve gone quite mad, but I’ve just told him I’ll always be his mum, he’ll always have a home and he can always ask.

Did he not ever consider that children are to some extent a lifelong commitment? It’ll ebb and flow, but it’s not a time limited exercise in tolerance.

@WhoamItoday11 My mother has this attitude, especially the 'She suffered, so why shouldn't we'...

People with this attitude really shouldn't have children. My mother did because she's Catholic, and that's what 'Good Catholic Women' do. I don't think she actually likes children much, and she made it pretty plain when I was growing up that she hated being a mother, too.

My father didn't want children. He 'coped' until my older brother turned 10 and started developing a personality of his own. My father didn't like that, so he disappeared off working abroad. We hardly saw him after that and he left my mother for good when I was 21.

OP should have left this 'man' (I won't call him a father because he's not) at least a decade ago. Like my mother, she's putting her marriage before her children. Like my mother, that decision might come back to bite her in the arse. 35 years after my father left, I'm very low contact with my mother, my older brother is basically no contact. We both live on the other side of the world from her (deliberately) and none of us have gone on to have children of our own.

So he's a good husband but a bad father?! He sounds horrible. He actually wants them all to leave doesn't he?!

Your DH doesn’t sound like a very nice person to me. He’s selfish.
I know a few men who refuse to get involved in the practical tasks of child rearing yet say they are good Dads as they do the fun stufff. I disagree with them. But your DH doesn’t even sound like he gets involved in anything.
Your poor kids. I wonder what their true thoughts are on the matter. I wonder how they feel about having a DD that doesn’t seem to care for them one iota. This will have lasting effects despite your efforts to overcompensate.
I think you need to think very carefully about how your life looks going forwards.
I would be looking to protect my children at all costs.

Great post.
Calling him a good husband is a total joke.
Talk about deluded.
He has controlled them all for 20 years.
Coercive control is a crime by the way.