Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

FFS OP do u really need to ask??!! Your husband is a shit person, not the great person u make him out to be. How can he be so awful to his children?? Makes me sad for them. And you are here asking who to choose??? Kids first always!! Why did u have kids with him in first place?? There must have been signs that hes not cut out for it. Why the hell is is helping out neighbours but moans about going to his own child’s uni open day???

Op you never ever get to choose between your children and a man never, any man who thinks they can put this to you, and this man is there own dad, honestly this is heartbreaking to read, op,

Always the children op, that conversation should never come out of anyone's mouth op,

You should like you have done so well by your children ' yes your job to' please don't let them down now op,

OP - What I’m wondering is - how is your actual relationship with your husband and what do you want for your future? Would you both be prepared to do couples counselling and talk about how you have reached this point? It sounds like you have been a brilliant parent, yet at the same time not really encouraging your husband to nurture his own relationship with your children, or to change. The circumstances (him doing lots of domestic work but putting the kids at arms length) has suited you, to a large extent. Nothing wrong with that per se, but now the chickens are coming home to roost. Your DH is being unrealistic to think that parenting ends in the teenage years, but that’s not surprising, given his experience with his own parents. Think about what you really want and how important your relationship with him is to you. If you stay then the probability is that your children won’t need you on hand forever.

Notably op has not been back….

You have the answer right there.

What is he going to be like if you have grandchildren in future??
I'd choose mu children

This isn’t a competition where you need to choose.

It’s obvious: If you choose your husband then you lose your children. When your husband dies, you have nothing.

Choose your children (as you should) then you get to enjoy their lives including probably your grandchildren and get to live happily ever after.

Except OP’s H has never focussed on being a parent has he? He’s refused to engage and left everything to her. She says it’s not just the kids he won’t do favours for - it’s her as well.

How many nappies do you think he’s changed? How many days off work to look after a sick child? How many mornings of taking the kids to the park so OP can have a lie in? How many times has he held his child’s hand at an airport so they can all get through security without losing a child/bag? In fact, how many times has he held his children’s hand? How many times has he remembered or got them a Christmas present? Or helped them make OP breakfast in bed or a card on Mother’s Day? How many times has he remembered they’re due their dentist check up? Or next round of jabs? How many times has he helped them with their reading or their times tables? How many times has he helped them with their lines for school plays? How many times has he soothed them after a nightmare? How many times has he argued about them not cleaning their bedrooms? How many times has he nagged them to eat their vegetables?

He’s opted out of every normal aspect of family life whilst living in the same house and expecting his wife to prioritise him. Can you really not see how bizarre that is?

This isn’t a couple who have been in the trenches together and now need to reconnect as partners. OP has been going away with him, for nights out without the kids etc. Presumably whilst being unable to talk about her week as mentioning the children reminds him he has them and sets him off.

I have a feeling he knows what he wants OP’s life to look like once the children leave home - complete devotion to him: can’t see him be happy for her to go out and meet friends, have hobbies, visit her children or any future grandchildren.

This is a controlling, emotionally abusive man whose main good points seem to be that he does housework and cooks.

I'm assuming he won't want to support DC at university?

He's never taken them to a swimming lesson or a football game? What a prince!

She said that he refused counselling

He doesn't want to be involved with his children

If she stays, her children won't want to know

I'd love to hear what they think now

Exactly this. Put them in care. There was a s47 investigation and he told me in front of the social worker to choose him over them. It was utterly shocking to me.

this wasn’t a spur of the moment choice given to me. He continued to put it across to me. He also continually (to this day, including in court submissions) blames my children for his abuse of them and me. If a parent cannot prioritise their children this is a real danger and a serious warning sign.

Choose your children, be done with this selfish, moody idiot. Actually you should have punted him long ago. Your poor kids.

Thank you 🖤 We are getting closer to being free but the post separation abuse continues. Due to the severity of the situation we are very well supported by professionals which has made all the difference. We’re not where we want to be yet but we are a million miles away from where we were. One step at a time, and each step helps me believe a little more that I have been strong and brave in what I have done to keep us safe.

Yep, and when he gets there he can fuck off further

I'm just going to say that twenty more years of this abusive behaviour awaits you.
It took my BFF fourteen years to leave her violent abusive partner.
Do you want to be 60/70/80 sitting home alone with this bastard?
He doesn't love you and he doesn't like your children. I'm angry for you.
Work out your finances and leave him.

I would not choose him. He sounds insufferable and a bully and I'm not sure I could have stuck it out as long as you have tbh.

It's worth considering that your DCs will always be your DCs and it sounds like you have a great relationship with them and you would want this to continue. My DCs are now late 20s/early 30s and we are still very much a part of their lives. We (DH & I) now do childcare for our DGCs which is a joy. I'm thinking your DH will definitely not be up for that! Are you OK with the prospect of this?

Think about YOUR future OP and what you want from your life. Staying with him may seem the 'easy' option but will it really be easy dealing with his behaviour for the rest of forever? Rip of the plaster and forge a new life for yourself with your DCs. You'll be sorted in less than a year - it'll be tough - but then you'll have the rest of your life to be happy without his constant demanding and bullying presence.

Does he not realise that it’s his attitude that is off the wall not yours? I assume that over the years you’ve pointed out that all the other dads are involved with their kids’ lives?

Anyway, please don’t have the impression that because your kids are almost adults that they won’t need you any more. If you have a DC almost off to uni then you’ve got several years of loading and unloading their stuff to and from home and their various uni accommodations. You’ve got long holidays of them living with you but also travelling around, seeing friends, needing pick ups from train stations etc. And it’s fantastic! I loved seeing my two try out their wings whilst having the stability of mum and dad at home providing cheerleading and support in the background. And they still need you for the ups and downs…DS messaged us ‘Change of plan, I’m coming home’ from the train on one occasion because he and his girlfriend had split up and he decided he just wanted to come home for some TLC. You will want to provide all this and it will be horrible if your DH is there huffing and puffing in the background. Ours are both in their twenties and fully independent and we now have the joy of sharing life with them as adults. They are our friends and I can’t imagine for one minute not having that. You realise that this won’t end when they leave home? He won’t be pleased if you want to spend time with your kids even once they are not living under your roof. His antipathy towards them is always going to be an issue and once they have left home, it will be much harder to maintain a relationship with them if your home is not a welcoming place for them.

This is all desperately sad, but it’s outrageous of him to ask you to choose between him and your children. Of course you’re not going to abandon them because he has a weird attitude to his own family….

He doesn't like any of you so why are you still married to him?

It’s never black and white though in relationships is it? Who knows if the DH will refuse counselling again if he knows his relationship with OP may depend on this. Or maybe he’s just not that invested anymore - we don’t know. Also, I don’t agree that her children will not want to know OP if she stays - the likelihood is that they will continue to value and appreciate the relationship they have with her.

As you say @Nanny0gg , we don’t know what the children think, but inevitably they will grow up to lead their own lives - leaving OP to ponder on whether her relationship with DH is worth salvaging. The children are the side issue ultimately.

I totally disagree

But that's the nature of Mumsnet

Some people really don't deserve to have children. This makes me so cross.

I don't understand why you are even asking this question. Your poor children, after living with such a poor excuse for a father for so many years, the least you can do is put them front and centre now.

Wow ok calm down, have you read OPs last post? He is great at everything else just not with the kids, i think what OP is trying to get at is once the kids leave home and become less dependent he would be a great partner to grow old with, some people get stressed and can’t handle the responsibility of a child or have children and realise they don’t really like being a parent and many times i have seen people on here admit they hate being a parent, im not sticking up for him or anything but im pretty good at seeing things from both sides, he has waited 17/18 years and simply wants his wife back, because we as mums do change and aren’t the person we were before we have kids- i know with absolute certainty that i have/did and will it be nice to one day go back to it being just me and OH without the stress of kids- damn straight it will xx

This post has really shocked me . It’s a no brainer and OP brace yourself for lot of resentment from your children .My children are adults now and we still have a lot of involvement with their lives. Being a parent doesn’t stop over a certain age.
I personally couldn’t bear to be in the company of such a horrible person .
How are your children?!What is their response to such an emotionally abusive parent?

You have done the very hard yards of parenting X3 - your share, his share and then the extra share of mending the shit he has messed up.

But you have so much to be rewarded with now. Your love and dedication will come back to you in spades now from your DCs in so many unexpected ways. Their developing interests, successes, friendships, relationships and down the line possibly grandchildren. They will have seen the dynamic but will also be deficient of one parents unconditional love and care. They need you more than ever. This will have had an emotional impact which will show up in early adulthood. Be close to pick up the pieces - but more importantly be around to pick up your winnings. It’s wonderful having young adults in your life - don’t let him take you away from any of that for even a moment.

I see him as flawed - he seems unable to give what he wasn’t given - but you don’t need to collude with that. Seems he is looking to you to make up what he didn’t get from his own parents.

Don’t be torn on this.