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Original poster

Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

767 replies

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 21:58

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 12/10/2025 09:20

For a man who says he doesn't like kids and they suck all the life out of things, he is the biggest kid of all, one of those stomp's their feet, petulant children.

What he has said to you and how he has treated your being a mum is, quite frankly, disgusting. If anyone has sucked the life out of things it is him. Am sorry you're in this difficult place and he put you there.

BeLilacSloth · 12/10/2025 09:25

Children. Always. Sounds like you’ve been doing everything by yourself for far too long. He is not just a shit dad, he’s a shit person.

geoger · 12/10/2025 09:26

Your poor dc! They must feel very neglected and unloved by him. You have told us your feelings and thoughts and those of your husband but what about your children? Surely they’ve noticed he’s selfish, self absorbed and cold?

diddl · 12/10/2025 09:26

His parents shut him out and now unsurprisingly he’s done the self same with his own children.

I think you have to have a heart of stone to do that though.

I get that he's had a shit example from his parents, but to be able to do the same is mind boggling to me.

Shame he also seems to have no friends whose parents modelled better relationships with their kids!

It seems as if he never loved his kids in the first place!

To an outsider it seems unthinkable that you would choose such a nasty, cold unfeeling man over your own kids Op.

fussygalore77 · 12/10/2025 09:27

Gosh he genuinely sounds awful. I really feel for your children growing up in a hone where their dad couldn't even eat dinner with them regularly.

Honestly I can't believe you tolerated that kind of parenting. Regardless of whether he is a good husband to you he us clearly an awful father. While he's not physically abusive the emotional neglect is crazy there.

I grew up with a dad who was uninterested, although not to that degree! And I don't have much of a relationship now. If I were you I'd fully expect to have a similar relationship with your kids as he has with his parents. No-one like to spend time in a house where they feel unwelcome.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/10/2025 09:30

It's quite telling that a number of posters have assumed that your DH is your children's step-father, not their father as it is beyond most people's comprehension that a father would be so indifferent to and detached from his own children and jealous of the attention that you are, quite rightly, giving to your kids.

You may have tried to compensate for his neglect and indifference but you don't seem to have even had a conversation with him about how awful he is being to his own children. The fact that he is nice and cheerful when the children aren't there isn't a point in his favour. It just emphasises that he is a terrible father and, for most mothers, it would kill their love for him.

once1caughtafishalive · 12/10/2025 09:34

Your kids, no question.

Your kids will realise it, and you will have no relationship. Theyll have kids and you won't be a part of that. Life will be empty.

Lose him and it might be short term pain, but long term gain.

Avie29 · 12/10/2025 09:36

Hmm this is a difficult one, see im very much children come first above everything, at this point my -kids are 15 and under- and if OH said me or them i would tell him to sod off BUT there really does come a time in your lives/relationship where you have to start focusing on getting back to being a couple again n not just parents if that makes sense.
It sounds as though you are at a place OP where you feel DH is still a good partner (even if he was a crappy dad) and want to stay with him and this ultimatum he has thrown at you is not acceptable, but put more eloquently maybe he is saying its time to stop mothering the kids and move onto thinking about how you want your life to be, now all the birds have left the nest- more time for you as a couple, etc xx

ThoseWhoDance · 12/10/2025 09:38

My children are and always will be my top priority. Now that they are all adults I have a wonderful friendship with them which I would not give up for anything - (I missed out on adult relationship with my mum as she died while I was in my late teens and i still needed her hugely) - and I know that they value the relationship as much as I do. They are not dependent on me and absolutely live their own lives, but I would rather live alone than sacrifice the closeness between us.
It can be just as, if not more lonely living with an emotionally unavailable partner, than being alone but with loving relationships elsewhere. Don't sacrifice that bond for a relationship that doesn't sound like it gives you much emotionally!

zingally · 12/10/2025 09:39

Yet another example of a man who wanted the social standing, and to follow the social norm, of "married with kids", but actually had no real desire to be a husband or a father.

OP, if you dumped him, would you genuinely miss out on anything?

dottiedodah · 12/10/2025 09:39

He sounds very selfish and immature.I think expecting Teenagers to parent themselves would be for me a no no.I and DH are both still offering lifts to ND DD who also still lives with us in her late 20s! My DH is doing max of it ATM as I am in recovery from Cancer and chemo.I would think hard about your future with this guy.What if you have DGC one day, or DD has a difficult birth/ needs support /crying baby and so on? Will he refuse to help(reminds me of a similar issue here a few days ago.DD was heavily pregnant, and DH didnt want to cancel a Theatre trip FFS. DD was a lone parent!

TubeScreamer · 12/10/2025 09:40

He sounds awful.

please choose your children over him

thepariscrimefiles · 12/10/2025 09:40

StewkeyBlue · 12/10/2025 09:12

Sounds complex.

I would try a few things before going nuclear for a big split.

I wonder about your DH and if he has ever felt treasured or that he comes first or is a priority.

Did he feel that with you he was there as a stepping stone until you got the children?

Bit of Devils Advocate, your kids do sound a bit needy and intrusive and I would absolutely turn my phone off when out for dinner if they were going to bother me for WiFi code. And my Dc did most Uni open days themselves. (As I did as a loved and supported teen but independence is good)

If you have any interest in saving your marriage and growing old with your DH maybe try a few weekends away as a couple and tell the kids not to contact you unless the emergency services are involved.

It is good for kids to see that their parents invest time in each other… as it clearly affected your DH, albeit to extremes.

Thank goodness your's is pretty much a lone voice. Her DH is abusive to their kids and you are telling OP that her kids are too needy and that she needs to pander to her DH? I presume that at one time they were desperate for his affection but have completely given up now.

AC246 · 12/10/2025 09:43

Your poor children.
What a childhood to look back on.
You should have left years ago.

If you continue to choose to be with him, your children will no doubt leave home and rightly never look back.

Of course they have no relationship with them, he has felt in competition with them, and you tolerated this treatment of them.

His behaviour is too controlling and extreme to be acceptable.
Talk to Women's aid.

Cakebird · 12/10/2025 09:47

In choosing your children, you will also be choosing a better life for yourself - free from this awful man.

VictorBaucherOrSomething · 12/10/2025 09:47

OP let's say you 'choose' your DH and you then become estranged from your children over time. They get married, have kids etc but you have no involvement as they know you didn't pick them.

DH then sadly drops dead from a heart attack or something when still at a relatively young age and you are then all on your own. You have kids, grandkids, etc but you're pretty much still on your own. If your children didn't want to speak to you at this point I really wouldn't blame them.

Pick the kids, you know its the right thing. Better still, divorce this absolute waster. He's not going to change and you know it.

Tiatha · 12/10/2025 09:50

What a sad little fuck he is.

Thank god your kids have you to be the loving and invested parent they deserve.

@StewkeyBlue if you think taking three seconds to answer a question about a wifi code is a massive imposition you must be quite a lazy person.

StrongLikeMamma · 12/10/2025 09:51

Wtaf?!

Tiatha · 12/10/2025 09:52

Interesting the posts re open day. My parents had lots of younger children and were way less invested in me than I hope to be when mine are teens. But they took me to one open day cos it was far away. Rail travel is so expensive these days and it's a big decision I don't see why parents wouldn't take kids. There's many opportunities for independence at that age, I think that's one of the less practical ones.

OctopusFriend · 12/10/2025 09:53

Tiatha · 12/10/2025 09:50

What a sad little fuck he is.

Thank god your kids have you to be the loving and invested parent they deserve.

@StewkeyBlue if you think taking three seconds to answer a question about a wifi code is a massive imposition you must be quite a lazy person.

It's basically because of his overwhelming resentment of his children. A quick message from one of them is enough to ruin his evening.
That would have been it for me, if not earlier.

Catpiece · 12/10/2025 09:55

He’s in competition with his own kids? What a fucking giant toddler.

gannett · 12/10/2025 09:56

789vghu8 · 11/10/2025 22:24

I think he is possibly autistic and he relishes peace and quiet and he says he never gets this because of the demands that are put on him. His parents stopped parenting him at around 14 as they were so in love and still are so there was no time for him. He never had swimming lessons, holidays etc as he was just sort of shoved in a corner.

We almost had marriage counselling about 10 yrs ago but he refused to do it as he will not talk about his childhood.

Looking back he had absolutely no idea what parenting entailed.

I should have left years ago but I thought as kids would get older it would get easier but actually as kids have got older the parenting challenges are sometimes even harder than when they were little - dealing with teenage mental health issues, teenage dating and break ups, helping them learn to drive, uni applications, looking for jobs. He says all of the above should be dealt with by them and I should not be involved any longer and he then makes me feel guilty and I think maybe I have done and do too much and they do rely on me too much.

His parents have been married 60 years and spend every single moment together and he wants what they have although 49 of this years that he has been alive he hasn't been their priority - my parents have had a long marriage too but are constantly bickering my mum moans about my dad, dad moans about mum also, she has friends she does things with he used to go on weekends away with his friends and me and my siblings have always even as adults done stuff with my parents - and H struggles with this. We are adults so why are we still wanting to do stuff with our parents. He moved out at 16 and sees his parents once a year if that.

Every single person involved in this post needs an absolute shedload of therapy.

In the meantime choose your kids before they choose neither of you.

Autumnleaves4 · 12/10/2025 09:56

My heart breaks reading this that you have stayed with him so long. The emotional and psychological impact on your children from this blatant rejection of them by him will be significant. Your children need you more than ever when at university. Two of my four children developed mental health problems when at university which almost led to them failing the course. You should always put your children first, it shouldn’t even be a consideration.
I wouldn’t have asked him for help, he’ll spoil the day, go on the train if it’s too far to drive but if you plan ahead and break the drive down with a breakfast stop or travel the day before and stay in a travel lodge and have a meal the night before you can turn it into a lovely trip and have him spoiling it.
I’m a single mum and took all 4 of mine to all their open days, it can be stressful doing all the driving and worrying about parking and getting there on time etc but it’ll be fine. Although some children do go by themselves on the train I think it’s nice if you can go and show your support.

diddl · 12/10/2025 09:57

He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

I mean most people find a happy medium don't they?

It's possible that you could cut back Op but that doesn't magically make him a nice or reasonable man!

stickystick · 12/10/2025 09:58

I had a DP who was even less involved/willing to help with kids than this guy so I know something about crap dads like this.

I do think though that at 17 and 19 it’s time for your relationship with your DC to evolve. It’s not healthy for any of you if you are too dependent on serving them as your “purpose”.