Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

This is extremely sad. And also very worrying that you would even consider putting him first.
He's not a good husband, he's can't possibly be if he's such a poor dad. He's an absent parent who lives with them. Why are you putting up with this?
If this was my husband it would make me despise him. Nothing in the world should come before your kids.

Yes, he's a cruel, mean and nasty father who has basically abandoned his own children. But hey! The sheets are folded and put away. Nope.

It was this exact thought that entered my mind ten years ago and at this point I knew I needed to to leave

He never wanted to be a Dad, it’s pretty obvious he has been brutally honest about it, most aren’t. Makes it easier for you I suppose. It’s not a choice really is it.

It's a clear choice op, you choose your children.
I was a child in a situation just like yours and I know for a fact that if my DM had stayed with my father I'd have no relationship with her now despite being very close when growing up. I never wanted my children around that level of resentment or neglect from him.
My DM left him when I was a teen and I hardly saw my father again (wasn't even too bothered when he died) but I'm still very close to DM , my dc adore her, she is an important part of our little family.
I'll add that I'm a fully independent woman in my 30s and I still need my DM, and she needs her DM. It's not something you grow out of

Yep. He’s a controlling abusive piece of shit who has destroyed his kids childhood and given them lifelong mental health issues but hey he’s great with a Hoover and cooks a mean spag Bol so he’s up there as husband of the year apparently

I am sorry you are in this situation and have lived a difficult family life, from the sounds of it. But you don't have to choose, OP. Simply decline. Don't allow him to put you in the position of 'bad guy'. If he doesn't want a family, he will have to make the decision to leave himself.

I am aware it's not simple, and it's hurtful for all involved, but there isn't an altnernative. He's not going to suddenly change and children don't stop being your children and needing things just because they grow up. They go through breakups, unemployment, horrible jobs, childbirth, divorces where they may move back home etc. It's not as if, once they turn 18, you can shut the door and never hear or see from them again.

I also understand that it is also confusing when they can be nice about some things (like taking an elderly relative to a hospital appointment), but it doesn't spill over into others. I found it took years to wrap my head around, until I finally realised that my ex only did nice things (like offering to hold the baby) when there was an outsider watching or when it was something he needed for himself and would have done anyway (like going to the supermarket). But things that were solely for me or our child, like driving us home from hospital after major traumatic incidents and surgeries, he had no problem saying no to.

Fees have risen due to the removal of government subsidy yes and I am
sure that is a factor. However, most parents don’t pay these fees as students get loans for it - only very few students in my experience have fees paid outright by parents (much as in ‘my day’).

I feel quite sick reading this.

I wouldn’t want him near me.

op

He’s not on any spectrum (whatever made you think this?) and his own parents stopped parenting him, if they ever really started, when he was 14. His parents shut him out and now unsurprisingly he’s done the self same with his own children. Their love was only for each other and not their child too. That’s what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up. The only good to have come out if your union are your kids

You have a choice re this man and I certainly would not choose him over your children. As it is if you stay with him your dc will not want to see you very often either, if at all because they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

Taking finances out of it, my parents came on uni open days because it was a fun day out and we liked spending time together. Had a brilliant couple of days with my Dad exploring unis/cities. We turned it into a mini break. Same with my mum. It’s desperately sad OP’s DC won’t have these memories - even days out with her are tainted by the fact that their Dad resented them too much to come along.

I hope your kids don’t end up nc with you but I wouldn’t be amazed. They will look back and resent him massively and you, for tolerating this for their entire lives. They’d have been better off as a single parent. You’ve basically done all the running around and say he’s grumpy and refuses to do any extra curricular with your dc. Weird how he’s happy to do all the domestic stuff, tho.

Are you going to choose an exclusive ’you and him’ life, or your dc and their future dc?

Oh dear god...

Please get some therapy for your children. To be continually rejected and dismissed throughout their formative years by one parent while the other parent stands back and allows that to happen is horrific. Wake up, and realise you are enabling someone to emotionally and mentally abuse your children. Autism is not an excuse to be abusive.

Choose your children.
Although I vaguely understand where he's coming from (I'm a 46 yo woman who NEVER wanted or had children, family), it's shit of him now.
Thing is, I knew how I felt since early teenage years.
He chose to have a family, presumably as an adult. Tough.
Your (almost adult) kids! 👍

Plenty of people with autism are excellent parents, and work hard at it. How offensive to them for that to be an excuse for this behaviour!

Get rid of husband

This. My parents didnt come with me to open days, but I've gone with my DS. We've had some lovely days out, seen some great cities, had lots of chats about courses, the cities etc and spent a nice time together. Most of the kids have parents there. Just because something was done one way 30 years ago doesn’t mean it was the best way. I chose badly, didnt feel I couldxtalk it out with anyone as they didnt know what I was talking about and left after a year.

The line that stood out is

you can't choose between them.

wow.

my mother chose a man over me and therefore abandoned me when I was still in nappies. My kids are 20-24 and I still drop everything if they need me. They come to me when they want something or ring me for no reason at all, two at uni, one working away. Their dad does fuck all now. Divorced him. Obviously. I'd have said he was very involved when we were married. Now, not.

A good few people have mentioned/asked how your dc feel about him and how has his behaviour affected them. It’s telling that you’ve not answered that question.

my grandfather was like your dh. Children irritated him. We were to be see but not heard. He ate separately, never had anything to do with his children. He even didn’t turn up to their weddings!. When we grandchildren visited he’d go off on a long walk. Or hold his newspaper up and pretend we weren’t there. We hated him. His children despised him and only visited rarely for grans sake.

the effect it had on his dc was awful. My dad was a constant nervous wreck his whole life. His sister had a breakdown in her early twenties and then battled an eating disorder till she finally got some good help from therapy. Another brother just upped and left aged 16 and went no contact.

my dad would tell us he only goes there to see his mum. But us made to feel so unwelcome that it made him so unwell. He’d see his mum twice a year in the end. Heartbreaking for them both as she adored her children and grandchildren.

I cannot believe you’ve allowed this man to hurt you and your dc for all these years. Save yourselves now!.

What an awful thing to ask you. The fact he thinks it’s a choice is really telling.

You sound like you’ve been a lovely mum, but your kids won’t stop needing you at 18. The unconditional love and support my parents give me is still crucial at nearly forty!

Sounds complex.

I would try a few things before going nuclear for a big split.

I wonder about your DH and if he has ever felt treasured or that he comes first or is a priority.

Did he feel that with you he was there as a stepping stone until you got the children?

Bit of Devils Advocate, your kids do sound a bit needy and intrusive and I would absolutely turn my phone off when out for dinner if they were going to bother me for WiFi code. And my Dc did most Uni open days themselves. (As I did as a loved and supported teen but independence is good)

If you have any interest in saving your marriage and growing old with your DH maybe try a few weekends away as a couple and tell the kids not to contact you unless the emergency services are involved.

It is good for kids to see that their parents invest time in each other… as it clearly affected your DH, albeit to extremes.

How sad. You are in a very difficult position,OP, but really you have to choose your children. How can you not?

They aren't fully fledged yet & still need you and will for a few years to come. No doubt your H will be one of those who won't let them come home after University while they find their feet. He might not even want them home for the holidays!

Your relationship with them is for life but your relationship with him doesn't have to be. So if it's a choice he wants, it has to be them.

And please stop calling him a great husband. A loving, kind husband wouldn't put YOU in this position regardless of how he feels about his children.
You need to be brave & stand up for what's right here. You should not be made to feel bad or unhappy for being a caring, involved, loving mother.
He needs to go.

...but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

OP, read up on emotional abuse and trauma bonding - the latter will explain why you are so scared to lose him. He sounds like a narc who love-bombed you in the early days to keep you hooked.

He obviously believes that, with a little bit of pressure, he can push you to choosing him over your children but what will he do when you choose the children? Does he just continue as though nothing has happened? Or does he leave? Obviously, he could have left at any time but has chosen not to. What would life look like for him if he did leave you or, indeed, if you left him? Would he just live a lonely, isolated life?

This is such a heartbreaking read. I would highly recommend (if you haven’t) individual therapy. It is completely untenable to think you would cut ties with your children. Because that is essentially what he is asking you to do. His parents deeply toxic relationship has damaged him, but what is interesting is why you have choosen to stay and frame his behaviour positively (or find ways to see his behaviour in a positive light. Such as cooking and washing). You sound like a lovely mother who is there for her children, but you seem to forgive some incredibly toxic behaviour from your husband. It sounds like you are on a collision course with your husband because what he is asking of you is completely unacceptable and not something it sounds like you could even give.