comments on this point are at this point probably an echo chamber of so many people saying the same thing to you, but OP please know how utterly bizarre damaging and twisted this is. Your kids are going to reap the results of this man’s behaviour for many many years to come.
what you seem to be overlooking (I think because you have all been under the control of this man and his moods, temper and expectations for so long now) is that your marriage only works if you magically forget that you have brought 2 children into the world. You say you leave the house without the kids and he is back to his happy go lucky self, when you go out just you 2 it’s back to old times. But it isn’t, it’s only that way if you are pretending in those moments that you don’t have kids for fear of annoying this (likely) sociopath?! If you’re sat there thinking “better not mention the children” and you’re having a conversation with him and he is asking about your week, one of you is having a good time in that conversation (him). He can talk all day long about what his week has looked like, what he read recently that is good, what he watched that was good. You on the other hand, you who is being a single parent and whose brain looks like a million tabs of what each child is doing / going through / has coming up / appts / homework / deadlines / heart ache / friend drama - you have all that whirring around in your head. And yet when he asks you how you are, what’s going on with you, you have to enter into this warped dance where you have to pretend that your brain isn’t full of all these things because god forbid you should mention the kids. You have to answer him and chat with him as if you are just two childless adults, because that’s the way he wants it and these are the rules he expects you to follow.
if the way this marriage “works” is by you both never talking about your children, not picking up the phone to them, not going out with them as a family, not eating with them then let me be clear - this marriage does not work. It’s a fantasy.
his parents being blissfully happy and a devoted couple for the last 60 years at the expense of their son only worked presumably because both of his parents sound as nuts and cold as he is. If both parents are on board with being neglectful, then yes fill your boots and focus all your energy on being a married couple and that alone.
But the difference here is that you have a marriage of two completely different people with two very different goals. One of you (you their mother) has given their life to raising your children single handedly, doing literally every single thing for them: the mental load, the physical load, every drop off, bedtime story, bath, bed, parents evening, drying their tears after heart ache - every moment of their lives you have been their physical and emotional caretaker, their safe space. While the other one (their father) has made it very clear he wants absolutely nothing to do with them, albeit he cooks for you all from scratch (and presumably enjoys this very much as it gives him hours in the kitchen on his own not having to talk to anyone) then eats on his own so that he doesn’t have to stomach being around his own children. This man has watched his wife do everything for his children, and worst of all he has let it be known to his kids that he doesn’t like them and doesn’t want anything to do with them. He exists in their house as a phantom of neglect and disappointment.
let me be clear to you OP - what you have done and continue to do by letting your kids be around this every day and think it is normal is nothing short of abuse. And they will speak about their father and the damage it had on them for the rest of their lives. But they will also talk about you. They will observe how their mother facilitated this behaviour, and how she allowed it. Every day. You letting your children think it is ok for a dad to not even want to sit for dinner with his kids, to not ask them about their day, to not want to help them or offer them advice, to not say good night and I love you, to not go to a parents evening to hear how they are thriving and how they might need more help, to not ask about their friendships and heartaches. He doesn’t care for what they want to be when they grow older, what they want to achieve. He doesn’t want to visit their uni accomodation and see where they might take their first steps to adulthood. All of that is on him, and is a cruelty he has inflicted on them, but YOU are complicit in this damage. You have watched it happen, and you have allowed it to happen.
you now have a choice here, remained married to this egotistical sociopath and spend the rest of your days walking on eggshells for god forbid you should even MENTION or want to hang out with your amazing children. Or you can decide to break free from this man and for the first time in their lives give your children an example of what it means to be a good mother.
parenthood does not end when your kids turn 18. you have the chance to be in their lives, meet their future partners, go out for dinner and to the theatre with them, debrief on the struggles they’re having at work and offer them advice, be proudly sat at their weddings, hold their babies and love on your grandchildren. the only way ANY of this happens is if you leave this sad and sorry man.
sorry for my strength of feeling but this has to be a top 3 most depressing posts to have ever read on mumsnet. Your poor poor kids. Please show them they are worth more than this.