Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

I’ve not read everything just your posts and a couple of pages. You choose your children. In every case, every eventuality, before anyone else. All their lives no matter how old they are.

Honestly OP, I don't know how you can feel any level of emotional connection or attraction to a man who is so strongly averse to his own offspring. He literally wants you all to himself and that's really unattractive. At some point in the future your DC may have kids of their own. If he can't stand his own children then he won't tolerate the next generation imposing on his time/peace. You seriously need to think about how you want your life to pan out.

There not thriving though, are they? OP stated they have mental health problems.

I feel so desperately sorry for your children.

I can relate a little. I have 3 children and one is diagnosed with ASD. He is very similar to his dad. DH often finds it difficult to be positive towards DS1 and can come across as overly critical. However, reading your post has made it clear how hard DH tries - they play computer games together, he sends DS1 articles about shared interests and supports him by picking him up and dropping him off when necessary. The other two children, he finds easier to manage. They have better executive functioning and he doesn't feel the need to micro-manage them to the same extent, which he finds helpful.

I guess what I'm saying is I think it's ok to find being a parent difficult, which clearly your DH does. I think having ASD does make parenting more challenging because children are very unpredictable and they disrupt routines and processes that allow people with ASD to manage their own lives and mental health. However, something being harder doesn't mean you get to not do it - not when it's essential like parenting. Your DH clearly wasn't parented very well himself - perhaps at the root of it all is jealousy that your kids clearly have a parent who gives a shit about them and he didn't.

I am saying this as someone whose last dc has just left home and even though dh and I get on it has definitely shown cracks in our marriage. You need to really want to be with someone to get through the initial void. Also dc will still want to see you, do things with you, nights away, Christmas so if your dh is effectively abandoning them then how will you do these things. Finally your dc know their dad does not like them, they will have known for years, please now choose them I suspect they will be relieved.

“He doesn’t do family stuff…”

says it all?! I’m so sorry but this is just awful for you and your children and just not acceptable

This is so sad.

Of course you can choose, you choose your kids.

Even if he has been a good husband, how could you stay with someone who treated your kids that way.

And when your DC leave home you’re going to be stuck with just him . Easy choice - DC every time, just a shame you didn’t do it sooner .

You'd even consider putting this nasty piece of work before your kids. You should have left him long ago. No decent human would make you chose between them and kids. It's worrying you're entertaining it, your poor poor kids.

Why are you married to him? What are his nice qualities?
I am going to file this with all the other posts on mumsnet from women who for some unfathomable reason would rather be with a horrible man than be single.

100% this. You’ve chosen him every time over the years OP to the detriment of your DC childhood.

You've stood by a man who treated your children with absolute contempt and at some point they will understand you prioritised him over them.

I can’t believe this is even a question and yet you’re still choosing him.

Your poor poor kids

"Kids will not need me soon "....this is absolutely not true. Yes, our relationship with our kids changes when they are adults but what you have said isn't the truth about healthy family dynamics.
If you 'choose' your husband over supporting your children, you will end up with neither as your marriage is broken now and then your relationship with your kids will be.
He is accepting the way he was raised as 'normal' and has recreated it. Your husband was forced to not need his parents because of their distance. Because he thinks he survived this dysfunction, he thinks it's fine for everyone else. It really is our job to do better by the next generation.
You said he wouldn't go to counselling ten years ago. I would suggest you ask him to go now and say that you don't want to go any further without addressing the problems you have, together. If he refuses, what will you do? I'm really keen on the book "Let them" and the the premise of "Let me" so I'd ask him to go to counselling, without blame and to invest in our relationship. If he says "no" I'd say that is as loud as a "Fuck you". He'd be saying you are not worth the work, we are not worth the work because I can't do the work. I'd be leaving.
A friend of mine had a husband like yours, when it came to helping others. It had nothing to do with the people being in need really. It had everything to do with him being seen as selfless by others.

You have enabled the emotional neglect and abuse of your own children for their entire lives op. He is not great, he is an abusive piece of shit. One day they will realise what they have suffered is a long way from normal, and there will be consequences.

How have you stood by and allowed him to hurt them like this?

He sounds really troubled. I feel sorry for him, but I would leave. What a shitty husband and father. How and why did you put up with this for so long? Leave and enjoy the rest of your life without this albatross.

We have two DD.
we live outside a major city. My DH gets up at 4 or 5 in the morning on occasions to bring my eldest home from a night out. That’s an hour long round trip. ( I take my turn too).
He wants her to have a good time and be happy and safe.
OP, your DH will die a sad and lonely man.

I'm so sorry this is your life OP. To answer your question, in this situation, I would choose my children every time and in a heartbeat.

You say he is a good husband - he is not. A good husband wouldn't emotionally checkout of parenting and allow you to do everything! I couldn't remain in love with someone who treated my children like this. Not a football match or swimming lesson? Does be like/love them? Sounds emotionally neglectful.

It's sad, as your children grow up and have their own lives and families, they will probably keep distance from you because of your husband. I would definitely leave.

You can't decide someone is autistic based on a post on an Internet forum. I know it's fashionable on MN to be an armchair psychologist, but as an actual psychologist who has trained in and done diagnostic assessment, there's a lot more to it than this. You are the one whose ignorance and reliance on ableist assumptions is showing here. And you have no idea whether or not you are right. The sheer arrogance on you!

Lots of non-autistic people have children because "that's what you do" and don't think about the reality, then become poor parents.

Autistic people are not universally irritated by the needs of others. Ableist and wrong. Selfish men of all neurotypes, however, are frequently irritated by the needs of their wives and children. Narcissistic people are frequently irritated by the needs of others. Trauma/PTSD/CPTSD or other mental health issues such as personality disorders can make people less able to respond to or cope with the needs of others. Autistic people may struggle to understand why someone else's needs or preferences as different, but it doesn't automatically mean they will be irritated by others having needs, or be terrible partners or parents.

"Doesn't like noise" could be part of a profile of many MH or neurodevelopmental conditions. Bipolar. PTSD/CPTSD. Some personality disorders such as Avoidant PD. SPD. It can be a feature of autism but isn't a diagnostic criteria on its own.

Plenty of people of all neurotypes dislike the changes brought by a family and struggle to cope. This isn't an indication of autism. See previous regarding people who become parents without thinking about the reality.

Lots of people who are not autistic also do their duty for elderly family members but are not cut out for caregiving. One look on the elderly parents forum will show you this. There are also a lot of autistic carers out there who do far more than their duty for their families.

Stop diagnosing autism online because of a subset of vague behaviours and traits that you are linking to vile, ableist stereotypes about autistic people being cold, emotionless robots who can only act according to a set of rules and are devoid of empathy or care for anybody else. It's harmful and inaccurate, and your definition of autism according to these criteria looks more like psychopathy.

Autism is also a red herring here. It doesn't matter whether the OP's DH is autistic or would fit any other diagnostic criteria. The fact is, he's emotionally neglected his children, doesn't want to interact with them, and dislikes being a father and makes everybody know it. His behaviour, regardless of the cause, is horrible and damaging. Autism wouldn't provide an excuse for how he treats people even if he was autistic.

Leave this poor excuse for a husband and father asap. Your children (and grandchildren) will need you all your life. They will give your life joy and meaning. He will give it loneliness and despair.

How sad that he wants his own children to feel as unwanted as he did. Most of us want our children to be happier than we were, even if we had a good childhood, not resent them having what we didn't.

This is a bizarre dynamic. I can see why you thought it would get easier and he’d settle into it when he’s actually good with domestic stuff and wants to spend time with you.

I only have 1 relatable experience. A friend has a dad who only had children because her mam desperately wanted them. They had 2, he was very keen for the children to be independent - told them they would inherit anything, couldn’t move back after uni etc. he had a HUGE change of heart at retirement age where he realised ‘what is it all for?’ And started to love his children beyond what he gave because he loved his wife (he basically tolerated them as any people do with in-laws or step kids - he loved his wife so he accepted the children) he gave them a big advance on their inheritance so they could by flats, he wanted to spend time even if his wife wasn’t there. All very strange. Now they are both desperate for grandkids, but both kids are reluctant to have their own children, partly they think because of the issues they had with their dad.

your relationship with your children should bring you joy forever, your husband taints this. Maybe you should break up, lead separate lives and have a date every week! Or just find someone who can share joy in the next stages of your teen/young adults/ grown children/ grandchildren etc…

If he ‘loved’ you op rather than wanted to control you, he would never force you to give up the one thing that matters to you more than anything. Your children. What he is doing has nothing at all to do with love.

He’s their dad- she wasn’t a single parent. They’re his biological children.

makes it even worse IMO

Choose your children (finally) as they’ll need you to support them through all the fucked up relationships that they’ll inevitably have after living in this awful family dynamic for their whole lives. He is a disgrace and you have let them down by allowing them to live with someone who doesn’t give a shit about them. Go now and try to salvage something of your relationship with them.

How can you love someone who doesn't even love his own children? You can bet your life he doesn't love you either.

How is that even a question? You obviously choose your children rather than the complete waste of space man child you procreated with.
He sounds utterly vile.
If you want any sort of relationship with your children going forwards (including any future grandchildren) then it's an easy decision.