Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

[789vghu8]

Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

Vile man. Obviously choose your children

Assuming the kids are his (and even if they weren’t this is abhorrent behaviour) I could never forgive someone going on like this. It is incredibly childish and also incredibly possessive of you. He only wants you and you best believe once the kids are off at uni he will expect you to spend every minute with him.

With every update you give I feel more and more sorry for the kids. You should have chosen them years ago and put them first. He sounds absolutely awful

What an utterly vile man.

I'm sure you know that your children are the one and ONLY choice here.

He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him

Them.

What a terrible life for your children to live. To then go to Uni and be completely cut off from their mother would be horrific when they've seemingly been living with a complete stranger who cooks and cleans for them. What dobthey think of him?
I have a 17 and a 14 year old. My DH also had parents who were obsessed with each other to the detriment of their children ( not as bad as your H but just not considering them) and he does leave the parenting largely to me but at least engages with them. If he told me to choose between them even as adults he'd be out the door. If he didnt want children he should have said so and allowed you to make the decision to leave and have them with soneone else. A 19 and 17 year old arent old enough to he dumped into the world with no parental support at all.

Look to the future OP you might have grandchildren, you mustn’t lose your relationship with your DC. DH might even enjoy being a GP though I doubt it. He just wants you to yourself. Reject him, not your children.

he needs therapy. I should think he spent his childhood feeling totally left out and abandoned but thought - ‘it’s ok, one day I’ll have a wife like my mum’ (eek) and is now confused as that’s not what has happened.

you carry on as you were with regards to your kids, and give him the ultimatum of therapy (as a couple and separately). If he doesn’t engage you leave.

I think he just expected to live like his own father. That's what mine was like and so we're most then (I'm 50 and would guess you two are similar). My mum also did a lot less running about because there was less for children to do. And finally, I definitely wouldn't have gone to an open day back then with parents. I'd have shrivelled up in embarrassment.

Having said that, I wouldn't compromise what I do for my kids which is as much as I can manage really. Maybe if you work on him understanding that we are no longer in the 80s but your kids are thriving on their upbringing.

Triple posted - thanks MN 🙄

OP, you need to think very carefully about how your life will be if you stay with this man. If he cannot tolerate his own children now because they ‘talk’ how will be behave when your children start families if their own and you have grandchildren visiting? How will he behave when you have your friends around for a coffee and a natter? How will he behave when, in the event that you stop interacting with your children, you find yourself feeling empty and seeking a diversion……gym, playing a sport, social groups etc., ?
You have seen this blokes true colours for years and he is suffocating you.
I know what I would do.

Deleted as triple posted

Your kids will always need you, emotionally at least. Mine are in their early 20s and still need our input although atm neither live at home - student & one living post-grad in their uni city.
Your DCs will leave home at some point - do you want to be stuck w your miserable DH or do you want to get free of him? Being an empty nester myself you have to get on well w your other half, you won’t have the distraction of DCs around taking up your time.

He sounds truly awful. Why on earth would you have any time at all, let alone desire, for this man after decades of testing those most precious to you with contempt?

he's a horrible selfish man and it will not have escaped your DCs attention that they have an uninterested father who could not care less about them. Meanwhile you make excuses for him!

I had a mother like your DH, needed her space, moody, uninvolved. I spent most of me teens and early 20s angry at her but when I had my own DC I realised what an awful enabler my father had been: whilst he was the one that took me swimming and had at least some interest, it was not enough to counter my mothers dreadful behaviour. And I grew resentful of him too. Now I have little to do with either of them.

Reading the rest of your posts OP youve already chosen him. To let your children be treated like this by their own father while you stood by. They won't thank you for this later.

That’s a sad post to read @789vghu8

Did he want children?

The children. Always the children. What a vile human he is

He’s not a good man. Who brings children into the world and then abandons them.

Im surprised you didn’t choose them years ago. But if he’s making this an ultimatum now then I’d choose your kids. Every time.

You’ve already chosen. Everytime you chose to stay with someone who treated your children like this, you chose him. Over and over and over again you’ve chosen him over your children.

Choose differently, before it’s not only your husband who has no relationship with the kids.

Being an unwanted child your whole life has to be one of the saddest things. I feel for your husband as well, he has been damaged beyond repair but at least your children have you. Please don’t abandon them.

I assume the grandparents don’t have any relationship with their grandchildren either?

Your poor kids

Wow! This is like reading a post my mother could have written about my father.

this is really reflective of my childhood, mum involved in everything…. Father, I doubt he could have told you one thing about me as a child! (Yes we all lived together)

I guess from your kids POV, they would have got used to seeing friends fathers and how they engage. I remember thinking (about 14?) everyone must have a dad like mine, however it was quite the realisation when I realised people did have great dads.

My mum has always tried to excuse my fathers lack of fathering as “he’s probably on the spectrum”.

She never left, he never changed. I had my first child a few years ago quite abruptly and prematurely and he didn’t even reach out. When he finally met my child (his grandchild) he was just as you’d expect.

he never changed and my mum never left. As an adult I guess I understand it, by the time myself and my siblings could vocalise how distant of a father he was, we were nearing adult age. So she wouldn’t have wanted to leave because she would have been alone.

My siblings and I still have a great relationship with mum, and dad is sometimes just “there”.

Im glad you said this. People home diagnose autism all the time on their friends and relatives as if it excuses their bad behaviour. And as if all autistic people must just not know how to behave like decent human beings. This man should have not had children because hes selfish and has made it clear he doesn't want anythingto do with them. Nobody would say no autistic people should have children.

Not to derail, but Re the open day thing, it’s because parents are now paying through the nose for unis so we want input as well. We didn’t attend all open days w our DCs - sometimes they went w friends esp if it was during the week, but most kids were with a parent.

Stop making excuses for him (autistic for example). Look at the facts - he's unkind to your children and he's cruel and controlling with you. End it. Life's too short to waste in unhappiness.