Choosing DH or teenage nearly adult children

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Been married 20 years with 2 teenage kids. When I met DH he was a breath of fresh air he had his own house, a really good job , was quite intelligent and most important of all and why I fell for him was how good he was at conversation and he was interested in me as a person (and not just a snog or an easy shag) We met in a nightclub!!!

He has been a fantastic husband in the early days but not a great father unfortunately, and because of this I started to resent him many years ago. As time has gone on and the children got older he got better but still couldn't and can't understand why I do so much for them and why now they are still living with us.

It all come to a head today as we went to a uni open day with my DD. He doesn't do family stuff so we have done all other visits on our own but this one was bit further away and I wasn't comfortable driving that far so I asked him for help - (I rarely ask him for any type of help as it just causes stress so I do everything to do with the children on my own) He reluctantly agreed but his answer was if DD wants to go to uni open day she is 17 she goes on her own at 17 why the hell would she want her parents tagging along and he got really angry with me last night as he said that there would be no other parents at the open day even though I assured him there would be as I have done several open days these last few weeks.

So apparently we have all sucked the life out of him since my eldest was born by putting so many demands on him -first it was parents evening , then swimming lessons, then football games, birthday parties all things i expected him to attend but actually after 2 years of asking I didn't expect any type of involvement from him. He says now the children are older I am still running round after them and I need to decide who is the priority - them or him.

He will never collect or pick children up from anywhere, never been to watch my sons football games or ever looked after the children for more than 3 hours.

I have sucked the life out of him with all my expectations.

However he will take my auntie to all her hospital appointments and is very helpful to our neighbours. This is because they are old and infirm and unable to look after themselves. If myself or one of the kids asks for a favour he won't help us out.

He wants me to choose. Kids are 19 and 17 and almost adults but I still want to do stuff with them and I am really close to both of them which he can't understand but as he was very distant when they were little it has always fallen on me to do everything and as a result neither child really has a relationship with him which is what he wants but I can't choose between him and them so I really feel stuck in the middle. Kids will not need me soon but if I don't stop doing things with them I will lose him and I don't know why I am so scared as he has never really been 'there'

This is one of the worst things I have read on here. He is a horrible father and husband. I love my husband dearly and he is a great father but I would choose my kids over him every single time. And he would choose them over me. I can't believe you are even weighing the option. If you want a relationship with them as they become adults put them first for once and tell your husband to fuck off to the other side of fuckington. Let him die lonely and miserable. You will regret it if you don't.

He sounds like a complete arsehole, he never even gave you the 'family years', and now he wants you to potentially ruin your bond with your children for him, as a previous poster said what about if you ever have grandchildren, will he allow you to be involved as you want? I doubt it!

I cannot for the life of me understand how you can consider this man a good husband and someone worth stating with just because he does a few practical tasks around the house yet he's emotionally neglected your children for years??? How can he be capable of helping neighbours yet do zero for his own flesh and blood?? I wouldn't even want to stay with such a nasty piece of work

You know that he isn't normal and is damaging your children. You only have to read posts on here from OPs who have had abusive and/or neglectful childhoods and they have all made sure that they parent their own children with love and kindness. In fact, their awful childhoods have made them even more determined to put their children first.

Your husband is using his awful childhood and neglectful parents as a template for fatherhood. He's a cunt and you need to leave him to protect your children. If you stay with him, he will damage your children further and prevent you having any relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren.

This is one of the saddest things I have read. I cannot understand why you are even asking the question. He is not a good man - he is selfish and spiteful. You poor children didn’t ask to be born. As you’re already effectively a single parent IMHO it’s just a case of formalising the paperwork. You’ll then be free of him and be so much happier. His parents also have a lot to answer for.

This is so horrible - it seems like you’ve already picked him by raising your children in an environment where there Dad, somebody who is supposed to love you, clearly hates you.

What do your kids say about their Dad?

Unfortunately the damage has probably been done to your children but you can still act to make sure that you remain in their lives and the lives of any future grandchildren. You’ll cope with housework.

Whatever you do, please please dont think 'they wont need me soon'!!!! Ive needed my mum more in my twenties and thirties than I did when I was a teenager, your help isnt stopping cos they've grown up its only just starting, adult life is when they need help navigating this strange world we find ourselves in. They come first they always will. Your husband doesnt deserve you all.

Wow! He actually viscerally hates his kids. They repulse him. Surely his behaviour has made you stop loving him? He must be so bad for their self-esteem and well being. Have they ever spoken to other adults such as their teachers about how their father treats them?

If you stay with him, I would imagine that once they have left home, you will lose them and any grandchildren that you have. Even though he is lovely to you when the children aren't there, I don't know how you can bear to be with him.

I am going to ignore your ignorant assumption and instead choose to answer your question.
Wanted children because 'that's what you do' without any forethought about what that would mean for him as a person.
Irritated by other people's needs including his wife's and children's.
Doesnt like noise
Didn't like the changes a family brought instead expecting things to stay as they were.
Doing his 'duty' with already-existing family members i.e. OP's aunt.
That's how I knew.

Anyway, obviously I was right.

Children are for your whole life but a man is just there for now.

Didn't he factor in when he met you that your children would need you and your love for their whole lives?

I have tried to understand a mindset like this for years. From what I have researched the husbandsin this scenario will have had very insecure attachments from birth, usually emotionally neglected and felt isolated and alone during childhood. They struggle to have friendships or relationships of any kind. Some develop PD. It can especially affect only children, but can happen to anyone.

They will have grown up desperately wanting the unconditional love and attention of a mother, and often look for this in a wife. They often create co dependent relationships with younger women that are usually vulnerable. They often love bomb, annd lavish attention etc and will do anything for their wives, but only if she remains completely focused on them. They can seem on the surface to be perfect husbands, and when it is just them with no competition from little children, they generally are.

It’s hard to leave as the wife often feels absolutely loved and adored. And she is. As long as she does exactly as he wishes, and her attention is entirely on him, therefore soothing this deep need in him.

The cost to the wife in this scenario is often abject loss of identity - they can become consumed by the relationship as she loses all sight of herself as an individual, and her own needs. It can fracture her sense of autonomy, and the wife often believe they can not longer function fully or at all, alone. The co dependency masking ‘real love’. It’s not as easy as people imagine to leave a relationship like this. They don’t have free will, and are psychologically tethered to their abuser.

How is this not a clear decision for you. Always pick your kids. He's a shitty dad and husband. You should have left years ago. Think of the damage already done to your kids.

Your children every time. My partner loves my kids because they're part of me.. he'd do anything for all of us. Your husband is jealous of your kids. But you must prioritise them. I'm surprised they haven't resented you for this.

This. Really, you should have chosen them years ago and booted him out when they were young. But what’s done is done… and you now have the chance to correct that omission.

He's a controlling narcissist. He helps other people on the street and the elderly because it makes him look like the hero.

He sounds jealous of the love you have for your children and wants you seperated from them. Just as narcissists seperate their victims from their friends and family.

Choose your kids OP. He has been a terrible dad and I know you seem to be saying that he is a great person just not a great dad. He is not a great person. He has left you to take on all childcare responsibilities and now he is asking you to choose. That's treating you terribly!!! Don't choose him over your children. X

A "community narcissist" (or communal narcissist) is an individual who performs outwardly altruistic and caring acts to gain admiration, praise, and a sense of superiority rather than for genuine compassion. These individuals often crave recognition for their helpfulness, portray themselves as selfless saviors, and seek validation for their actions through social media or public displays. However, their actions are driven by a need for self-aggrandizement, and they may exhibit a lack of empathy, manipulation, and a tendency to take credit for others' work.

Not even a decision. Of course you choose your kids over this piece of shit.

I dare say he was horribly damaged by his own dysfunctional upbringing. Most abusers have also been abused. That doesn’t mean they don’t have responsibility for their behaviour. He chose to have children, he chose not to address his issues but instead to replicate the cruelty he experienced and take it out on his children. I have no idea why you have allowed this to continue for so long.

Why have you got to choose between them? Do you mean he's asking you to stop doing things for your kids, otherwise he'll... what? Leave? Can't you carry on doing things for your kids without him and leave him to his miserable self, but also continue to spend time with your husband, just the two of you (if you even want to, knowing what a crappy father he is). It won't be long before your kids have gown and left, at which point, would you rather be single/starting over, or with your husband (as miserable as he is)?

He sounds HORRIBLE. I bet he moaned about his "needs" for 6 weeks after the kids were born too!

This is 100% accurate

OP, I am a 64 year old grandmother. My own children are 39 and 40 with children of their own now. They still need me! And while ever their is breath in my body I would choose them, even at the age they are… raising a child does not end when childhood ends… it’s a life long promise and commitment

Why have you stayed? His attitude and behaviour would have killed any love I had for him stone dead a long time ago. Is he the main earner?

Btw, he can't be a great person if a great husband and treat his kids the way he does...the two are incompatible. He can't be a great husband while behaving like this.

Being autistic does make life more challenging but it does not mean you can't love your children or support them. It sounds as if he wants you to make up fur the neglect he received as a child by you focusing on him to the detriment of your children.

I would keep living as you wish and maintain those precious bonds with your children (and perhaps in the future your grandchildren) and let your husband decide if he's staying or going.

I think if you choose him you will regret and resent that down the track and grieve your lack of contact with your children.

Imagine how calm life would be if you weren't walking on eggshells.