I am the child in this equation, and my father was exactly the same. I am aware your post has really hit a nerve. I am hopeful your dh didn’t hit and beatyour dc, but mine certainly did and enjoyed it. My father openly hated us, publicly said so, he resented the air we would breathe. He has never done a single thing for my brother and I. Not even a single bed time story or even hugged me once that I can remember. I can only share how it panned out post childhood.
My brother and I both had mental health issues before they were even well known battling with parental rejection, low self esteem and other problems related to our home life. My brother particularly struggled with different addictions and had anger problems.
I was actively suicidal by the time he tried to force me out of the family home too, from fifteen years old upwards he started talking about it and at eighteen he succeeded. So it sounds just the same as your situation.
He could not get us to leave fast enough for exactly the same reasons as your dh. He wanted my mother solely to himself and peace and quiet. Neglect in childhood from his own parents that he too couldn’t even discuss. My mother felt sorry for him mostly, and understood that he just wanted her and no one else. He also demanded that she should choose us or her at around the time I was 17. My mother choose him as ‘we would have our own lives’
I went on to have a string of violent relationships as I expected nothing from relationships, I had nothing to model good relationships with men, so I choose men that would follow the same parttern as my father.
I moved overseas and ‘broke my mother’s heart’ but by this point I had no family home to return to anyway! The years I spent overseas I was able to see how healthy families worked.
My brother struggled terribly but carved out a life not dissimilar to my parents sadly, and so the cycle continues.
My father’s resentment didn’t stop with me, it continued on to the grandchildren and he started to emotionally abuse them too - resenting the few hours a week my mother would spend with them. He was then cut off altogether. As a result my mother hasnt really seen any of her children or grandchildren. Just the way he likes it.
My mother has become a shell of her former self, with barely any friends (she has a few) barely seeing her children or grandchildren because they aren’t welcome in her house, because of my father.
This is what she has chosen for herself. It has been heartbreaking. To say the very least, because I know my mother didn’t want this outcome.
We moved hours and hours away. Tbh I found it too hard living nearby, managing my children’s safety around a man that hates us.
I have no relationship with my father at all, and because my mother enabled his abuse and stayed with him, I feel a great deal of resentment towards her too. She has appeased him all of her life.
I have had a happy life, I created my own fulfilment and family, but I needed ten years plus of therapy. My children now adult, have no interest in either of them. I see my mother once a year, and even that is difficult, because I can’t see her at home.
I feel like she has lost everything. Thanks to him.
I would think very carefully well beyond this stage, and see where this might end up for you and dc op. I hope your children are having therapy to help them manage this awful and very damaging home life. I am so sorry you ended up with such an awful man op. So sorry for your children too.