Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

It's too late for Clare's Law, they've already broken up, so they won't give her information as they are no longer in a relationship. But what isn't too late, is her reporting all of his behaviour to the police, so that can potentially help other women in the future.

thiscehh I kinda don’t understand hey you wouldn’t wanna block him from The start as soon as he finished it, and you say ok
block

anything else Is pointless

id be thinking about sending a final please do not contact me anymore message the. Reporting to police

either that or straight up and block now

And now he really has shown you who he is. Goodness, I do feel sorry for whichever woman ends up with him. Some people should come with a health warning. ⚠️

OP my eldest girl was with an asshole like your bf for far too long ..
He use to finish it with her if she planned a night out with her friends, he was the greatest prick walking & it got progressively worse once it started ..
They are the worst type because they’re spiteful & controlling, you think his behaviour is because he is insecure & you feel half sorry for him ..
By him finishing things with you he knows he is upsetting you a great deal, & therefore spoiling your holiday , spiteful asshole ..
My daughter use to be up in her room crying floods of tears, & her night out was ruined if she went, & if she stayed in he’d still keep the “ it’s finished thing “ up for a few days as though to punish her ..
Thankfully she did leave him in the finish …
You need out of this relationship OP …
Don’t be with a man who upsets you ..
I hope you enjoy your holiday x x

I didn’t realise that.

This is good advice. He sounds dangerous to me. He won't go quietly. Clare's Law and report all to police. They need this on record... 1. To keep you safe and 2. To keep future partners safe.

Change locks just in case, cameras, and talk to your family and neighbours if you are comfortable doing so. Best wishes OP ❤️

"he hopes I die, he wishes me a very painful death."

this sounds like a death threat. Please report it to the police - they can put a marker on your address so they respond more quickly if they are called again.

He is now at stage 5/6 of 8 of the domestic murder timeline. Stage 7 is planning, stage 8 is murder. You won't find out when he's reached stage 7/8 until it's too late.
https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

He said these things to you how? In voicemails on in person? For God's sake don't pick up - whether he wants to change your mind or just to abuse and upset you, he's going to do more of it if you engage. Keep it so he doesn't even know if you've got the messages. But save them all.

@Thatisthatthen In addition to keeping any texts he sends you, please also consider writing out a timeline of events and a summary of what he said during phone calls, or on voicemail. His escalating behaviour and abuse is very disturbing; if you've written it down to show the police it will demonstrate how serious this is.

Although my sincere hope is that his latest little boy tantrum will cause him to expire up his own a**ehole and you'll never have to think about him again. Stay strong.

@Thatisthatthen Id message him we are over . Do not contact me again or come near me . I’d say this a few times if need be then block while you are away .
leave one line of communication open when you return .
However do not reply .

Id he does not stop harassing you then you report to the police . As you have made it very clear you don’t want the contact.
prepare yourself he is angry he has lost control.
Please don’t be pulled back in.

Hope you don’t mind me asking but how long did it take for her to end it? Our DD in an awful situation she’s 19 and it’s been going on for 5 years. It’s horrendous…..she moved in with him as soon as she turned 18 to stop him cheating. He kicks her out constantly and really is a Scumbag. We are desperate for any positive stories of hope.

I have had a similar experience (but without the vileness) and logged it with the police on 101.

They were very helpful and told me to text him clearly and concisely to not contact me again.

They said if he persisted to let them know, and they would speak to him.

I followed their advice, adding that there would be police involvement if he contacted me again.

It certainly worked like a treat with him, and I think it was due to his career in education, because he didn’t want to risk causing any issues.

Oh OP. That is so horrible.
I hope you are OK.
He's really shown who he is now. As everyone has said... Report him.
I agree with @Agapornis that the violent language he used is dangerous and the Police could consider it a death threat.

Wrap yourself in the love of your family on your trip and enjoy yourself, celebrate your freedom from this insane bastard.
I'd even consider staying with one of them when you return until you've reported him and return with family to your flat to check it out and set up security. Hopefully that is over the top but better safe than sorry. Get them to check on you regularly until you feel safe again.

I hope you can recover from this on your trip, in spite of this.

Hey ..
I’m sorry to hear this pp ..
My daughter started going out with him at 16 & left him thankfully before her 21st ..
She also moved In with him at 18 , he was controlling, verbally abusive, use to put her down a lot which obviously results in their confidence going to shit , he was physically abusive when he drank alcohol , I didn’t know this until the day she left him & arrived home, about the physical abuse I mean . He has a good job , is a hard worker, comes from a wealthy family who gave him a house , is attractive & so to the outside world was a “ great catch “ 🙄…
With my daughter pp the penny just dropped & she realised she deserved better , she also has a good job , is a hard worker & attractive, she finally realised there was better out there for her & was tired of being unhappy..
She is living her best life now in Australia & is single 🙌 , very choosy now about men thankfully ..
I hope your daughter soon realises her worth & becomes curious to find out what it’s like to be happy 🤞..
One thing I do know for sure is , it makes absolutely zero difference what we say , what friends say , they won’t leave 🤷🏻‍♀️..
like I said the penny has to drop , they have to see for themselves..
I hope your girl realises soon x x

I totally agree with this OP. 👆 You haven't said how old you both are (I don't think) but I'd be interested to see what a Clare's Law request would reveal as I really don't think this is his first rodeo. This is his modus operandi.

Echoing what others have said, don’t want to scare you op but that’s a very sinister turn of events from him. He is clearly raging but to use that sort of language is very worrying. I would definitely report to the police.

If he’s just sounding off then he will get a rude wake up call that it’s not ok to talk to anyone like that.

Dump and do not spend a second talking or thinking about him on your lovely holiday!! 😉😉😉

Is there somewhere else you can stay? Do you live alone? Narcissists are most dangerous when they lose control and if I were you I’d be taking precautions

Please, please report the threats to the police @Thatisthatthen - it may just be posturing, but these could also be worrying signs he is escalating and feels entitled to exact revenge for you ending things. And consider having someone stay with you or temporarily going to stay elsewhere. This man sounds concerning and unpredictable.

You've had some very wise advice:

Change the locks and ask the neighbours to keep an eye on your home.

Tell your family and friends exactly what he's been doing and show them the messages. Support is essential.

Copy all the messages.

Report his behaviour and the messages to the police - I'm afraid this is very well-documented classic abusive escalating behaviour, that can turn very nasty indeed.

They will advise you to message him to leave you alone. Do that.

Take their advice about blocking him.

You said that was not the first time he's used foul insults and tried to control and isolate you, and that you're also in therapy.

You're not in the right place for dealing with a man, for being in a relationship. What you are is vulnerable - and men like this sniff out vulnerability, like vampires. Stay away from men for now. Build your confidence and resilience first.

Please report him to the police and then for gods sake just block him! I have no idea why you’d answer the phone to this psychopath again and again.

He's such a cliche. What a pathetic man. Run through all those red flags and don't look back.

He's deranged.

What a nasty piece of work he is. He thought you wouldn't go on the weekend after he broke up with you. When you didn't, he was angry as his manipulation didn't work, so he progressed to this level on insults.

If he believes you would cheat at any opportunity, he should never have been with you.

Majority of people cheating, don't need to go away to do it.

The man needs help, because he's of his head.

Not true.

I knew two people who actively used suicide threats to manipulate and emotionally blackmail people who did eventually kill themselves.

One of them did it whilst looking after his 18 month old daughter - stepped out leaving the baby with his drunk (shitfaced!) father, saying he was going to the loo - snuck out the back door having sent a FB message 'xnamex out', following threats to his ex girlfriend, kids mum that he was going to do it if she didn't drop off money (for the things he should have been buying for the baby out of his own funds).

She had called police, they were slow to respond as it was busy and this was not the first, second or even third time he'd done this (not blaming them in the slightest for that).

His dad woke up, baby screaming, cold and thirsty and hungry and with a sagging nappy... went out to see if he was having a smoke, carrying the baby - found him swinging from a tree.

The police arrived a few minutes later, to find him standing in the garden howling down the phone to the ex blaming her - still, all in front of the small child.

Can you imagine the guilt she'd live with if she HADN'T called the police?

The other case jumped off a motorway bridge, this was before the days of everyone having phones, she expected someone to find her note fairly quickly, as they had before, and go to find her at the usual spot. They didn't, she jumped onto the M66 and her parents arrived home to find the police waiting for them.

It is not OK to tell people 'oh the ones who use suicide as a threat to manipulate you will never actually do it'. It isn't true.

I haven’t heard from him since. The last he said to me was “take care” and I have not responded.

im going to block him today but im just going to wait and see for a few hours if he does send anything else, as I do need to log all of this with the police.

I have woken up feeling sick, also worried he has done something stupid as yes he said he was on “suicide watch”. I am working for a few hours today, but I do not feel it is wise I work from home alone so I think it would be sensible to go elsewhere but in the meantime I’m going to work out what I do. I will never ever see, speak or be with this man again I can assure you. I do not think he is well, but regardless his mask has well and truly come off and I cannot un-see that