Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

Use this weekend to pull a better guy 😜

This exact same thing happened to my friend. So we went on holiday anyway, day 2 hes caling her apologising saying how much he loves her, he will work on his issues. Fast forward five years we haedly ever see her, she never comes out, she cant even go out for dinner with her own family as he is so jealous and kicks off its not worth the hassle for her. Men like this have deep seated issues that need to be addressed in long term therapy. Its good hes shown you his hand before you live together etc, dont be fooled when he comes crawling back. You can and will do better than him. And he knows it.

And just to add my dad started controlling my mum when she was 19 when they met. He was still doing it at age 83- threatening to kill himself if she didn't do exactly as he said, stopping her seeing her family.

Can I ask what your therapist said about this if you are feeling sad? Are you sad thst he's a horrible person or sad it's over?

My best friend had a boyfriend like this. She once woke up in the middle of the night to him sobbing his eyes out in the corner of the room because in the middle of the night (unbeknownst to my friend) her phone pinged and some remote male acquaintance in the US text her "Hello, how are you?" 😂 He was then in a jealous rage culminating in him pretending to cut his wrists in the bathroom and there being actual blood from a small cut he made pretending to commit suicide in front of my friend 😳

She still remembers that nutter and the bizarre incident many years later.

I am coming to this thread 26 pages in...so I have only read OP's updates.

But hun, you are so much better off without this person in your life. Someone's insecurities are not grounds for them to be abusive and controlling. He knows he has these issues, he should have put himself in therapy to learn how to trust and be in a healthy relationship. I suspect it's not about insecurities though, he is abusive and using 'insecurity' and 'trust issues' to facilitate the abuse.

Someone with trust issues might express their discomfort over things, but they're not going to make false accusations and hurl disgusting names at you. This is someone that has a much bigger temper/personality problem. It is emotional abuse.

This constant texting and calling after supposedly breaking up with you is meant to ultimately make you fall back in line and isolate you from your friends. Please don't entertain any of it. I would block him. If you feel the need to respond make it clear that this is abusive, the relationship is over and he is not to contact you any further. If he does, he is harassing you and I would report it to the police.

I hope you can have a nice time on your outing...don't get tangled up in his contact. He is trying to sabotage your trip.

Honestly with blokes like this and the ops one, I don’t know how it isn’t immediate ick the moment , the very first moment, they pull this shit.

No!!!

Just enjoy being single, recovering, your children, work, friends, therapy.

Just wanted to chime in with a "thank goodness he has shown you so early who he is and you haven't wasted years with him. It won't ever get better and you won't ever assuage his fears" You don't need that type of man in your life. Stay strong and enjoy your girly break.

Hope your therapist has backed up what we’re all saying on here. It’s horrible to be abused by someone you trusted.

Well done op for staying firm
Fuck him and his crazy mind games and bullshit.
I hope he's not likely to turn nastier don't meet him alone if there needs to be an exchange of property.
Have an amazing weekend.

You might as well end it. You do not want to spend your life with someone who controls you using his mental health. You have never given him any reason to suspect you of cheating. Tell him you'd rather away now with your head held high than live with someone who thinks you're untrustworthy.

Don’t take him back when he changes his mind

I think it’s inevitable that OP will be feeling upset, given that she has been with this man for a year - and even though it turns out he is an abusive, controlling scumbag. Feelings are complex.

Ive read all your updates, its normal to feel sad and upset but please for the love of GOD do not go back to this man, give him a second chance, or be swayed to go anywhere near him again.

His behaviour is textbook. He's shown you who he is - a self absorbed abusive insecure little scrote who relies on drama and empty threats to try and get his own way.
Fuck him right off into the sunset.

It's normal to feel upset after therapy anyway and definitely normal to feel upset when you split with someone. But as PP said, don't go back to him. He might suddenly turn charming or make some creepy grand gesture before you leave. But remember he's the man who knows so little about you that he assumes your girlie weekend away is a chance for hooking up with a random, who calls you really ugly names, who tries to bully and control and emotionally manipulate you.

It's a really tired cliché now, but the advice stands: when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you he is a bully with a disgusting attitude to women. Believe him.

This.

I'm baffled by these posters who don't understand what a girls' weekend away is, or a girls' family weekend. None of these words are hard to understand and together they make perfect sense.

Wouldn't have stayed that long, his trust issues haven't resolved yet him deal with it and go enjoy yourself and find your better fit

I'm going to second all the people who said block him. The longer you keep the lines of communication open, the more likely you are to flush your self-respect down the toilet and take him back. Listening to his whining and petty accusations of cheating isn't going to magically make sense of his behaviour. You know why he's behaving this way. You may not like it, but it's not a mystery.

He's trying to control you. He wants you to live in a constant state of guilt and fear, even when you haven't actually done anything, because then you'll be nice and submissive and do whatever the hell he wants. Unless you want to be this man's lapdog forever, I'd cut him off now. He's a loser. You wasted a year on him. That stings, I know. But you can do much better. Block and delete, and get on with your life.

So he can go on a weekend away but you can’t?! What a gaslighter he’s turned into, telling you you’re hideous/a skank/you already have a man there. Utter nonsense. He’s clearly desperate to keep you in line, so glad you’ve thrown him back. Please just block him, he is unworthy of your attention.

You attract what you tolerate.

It's time to block him, he's not bringing anything but control and dysfunction and verbal and emotional abuse.

Thing is op. This isn’t his first foray into abusing you and trying coercive control is it, nothing this extreme ever is. When did the abuse start? I think you know deep down it’s not trust issues and insecurity, it’s abuse and control.

Please don’t waste police time. You do realise their job is to fight crime not to do welfare checks? If someone needs a welfare check call a medic.

Ex BF isn’t your problem anymore.

The police spend so much time looking for people who threaten to harm themselves (usually the same people over and over for many years and the police HAVE to go just in case that person goes through with their threat “this time”. So far in 20yrs my DH says they never have.

When someone genuinely needs police they aren’t available and then everyone else complains the police aren’t doing their job and don’t turn up! BECAUSE they are looking for the selfish missing people. This does NOT mean those in genuine need or crisis by the way.

I posted earlier,but reading the updates; I too am concerned re OP following through on getting shot of this fella for good.
OP if you read this ,please discuss / confide your concerns with some of your trusted female /family/ friends.
They will advise you appropriately , they know you and and you may find they ve already had concerns in the past about this fella..
He s controlling and manipulative
Classic narcissistic behaviour.
Have a great weekend and move on without him .

Some others suggested that blocking isn't always the best thing to do - prior warning of escalation, and indeed evidence of abusive texts can be important.

Best this ends now before marriage. He won't change. Will only get worse. Not your problem to solve