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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has split up with me because

841 replies

Thatisthatthen · 08/10/2025 17:23

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

OP posts:
Athreedoorwardrobe · 09/10/2025 13:31

The trash has taken itself out.
Stay strong!!
I'm glad you are still going. No amount if sympathy or adapting your behaviour will ever cure this man of his deep insecurities. It's something he has to want to change and actually go away and put the work in himself to change. He is very clearly not ready for a relationship with anyone as his issues are causing him to be abusive. And what he's doing IS abusive.
Please block him and never think of him again. It's sad for him obviously but letting him abuse you will not make him better it will just make it worse as it legitimises his behaviour. He needs to know no one will tolerate this and it's not an acceptable way to act.
I hope you have fun on your holiday despite all this! You've done nothing wrong. Please don't take on responsibility for him.. he needs to take responsibility for himself or else he will never get any better.
And remember this in the future if you meet another man.. have no tolerance. You leave at the first sign of this type of thing.

RisingSunn · 09/10/2025 13:33

Have an amazing trip - it sounds great!

Christmascakeforbreakfast · 09/10/2025 13:59

If you did back down OP it would be like chucking away the rest of your life. Really pleased you say this isn’t an option.

Let him be angry.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 09/10/2025 14:02

He’s quite scary sounding. I hope you have a great holiday OP and I hope you can have a peaceful end to the relationship once home

is it worth blocking him now to ensure he doesn’t disturb your peace?

WildLeader · 09/10/2025 14:11

I’m so glad you have found posting this thread helpful @Thatisthatthen

so many wonderful and positive responses for you and you get it!

this guy is showing you who he is, the pretence at illness he’s blaming on you, the comment that your trip will be the end of him, not liking you seeing your friends. This is a controlling and abusive relationship forming right before you.

go away on your holiday and try to look at losing him as a blessing, he’s escalating and could cause trouble, so at least he’s not going to ruin your trip. Make sure he’s blocked, don’t answer any unknown numbers, switch phone off if possible.

when you’re back make sure you’re safe at home, get a ring camera and never engage with him. Call the police if he doesn’t leave you alone.

WildLeader · 09/10/2025 14:13

Athreedoorwardrobe · 09/10/2025 13:31

The trash has taken itself out.
Stay strong!!
I'm glad you are still going. No amount if sympathy or adapting your behaviour will ever cure this man of his deep insecurities. It's something he has to want to change and actually go away and put the work in himself to change. He is very clearly not ready for a relationship with anyone as his issues are causing him to be abusive. And what he's doing IS abusive.
Please block him and never think of him again. It's sad for him obviously but letting him abuse you will not make him better it will just make it worse as it legitimises his behaviour. He needs to know no one will tolerate this and it's not an acceptable way to act.
I hope you have fun on your holiday despite all this! You've done nothing wrong. Please don't take on responsibility for him.. he needs to take responsibility for himself or else he will never get any better.
And remember this in the future if you meet another man.. have no tolerance. You leave at the first sign of this type of thing.

This is a superb post! @Thatisthatthen print it off and take it with you 😊

muggart · 09/10/2025 14:13

What an awful man. It doesn’t matter that his behaviour is driven by insecurity, he should not be treating you like that.

Please tell all your family what has happened so that you won’t be tempted to go back to him!

WildLeader · 09/10/2025 14:15

Also wanted to add, none of this is your fault @Thatisthatthen

you didn’t do anything to cause him to be like this (regardless of anything he’s said) he’s abusive and that’s Abuser 101, they are boringly predictable but as people have said here, LEARN That you need zero tolerance for this BS in future. Spot the red flags and shoot these fuckers down.

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 14:21

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 10:59

It’s 12 of us - all women and mostly family, strictly adults only (no children..!!) just to those who have asked what a girls family holiday is

12 women all family it that you’re presumably close to as going on holiday with… not one of them has ever said to you WTF about this person?

Original poster
Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 14:24

Had therapy, feeling really upset. Need to ride out the emotion and get myself ready and looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks everyone for the handhold it really does help and I’m taking everyone’s messages in my stride!

OP posts:
Isometimeswonder · 09/10/2025 14:25

@Thatisthatthen I had an ex like this. I wasn't with him for long as I was a bit too feisty. But he sounds similar.
You are worth more.

Fionuala · 09/10/2025 14:25

what on earth is he up to??
leave him
if you can't go away with some old pals for long arranged weekend and he is 'anxious' about that - he has nothing to offer you!!
sounds like a child.

AgentPidge · 09/10/2025 14:26

user0345437398 · 09/10/2025 10:40

So, it's where you go on holiday with female people from your family.

Show quote history

Lol yeah. Sisters and SILs maybe? But relatives who are women.

handsdownthebest · 09/10/2025 14:27

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 08:00

Morning everyone

thank you again for the support it really does mean the world. I need to stay strong.. which I think I can.

looking forward to my trip tomorrow. Me cancelling was and never would be an option when it comes to a man.

im disappointed I haven’t had the regular healthy response of “have a great time!”. It’s ok to have insecurities.. he has been away before and of course I felt a little uneasy in parts being in a new relationship at the time but I kept them to myself, regulated myself because they were MY thoughts and feelings and wished him a great time. He has spoken to me about his insecurities on the lead up to this and I’ve done my best to hear and validate him.

not sure the point of this update, just some feelings being written down I guess so thanks for reading!

I do hope that from the comments to your post, you’ve come to realised that his behaviour is controlling and tbh quite unhinged I would say. Sounds like he has some very deep issues going on and he really needs some kind of therapy.
If my daughter was in a relationship with a man who behaves like yours I would be very worried.
Get rid!

Alwaysalert · 09/10/2025 14:28

Hi @Thatisthatthen

I do not mean to be negative but will your property be safe from him whilst you are away? It may be wise that if there are any neighbours you trust, just to ask them to keep an eye on it and explain it will be totally empty all weekend and you would appreciate it if they would let you know if anyone at all is trying to get in or goes in (he may have had extra keys cut if he had his own key(s) and handed it/them back. You do not need to go into detail with your neighbours, just impress nobody should be there whilst you are away. I'm not being dramatic but you never know, please be aware and make sure you take care of yourself. I do hope you have a great break.

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 14:29

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 14:24

Had therapy, feeling really upset. Need to ride out the emotion and get myself ready and looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks everyone for the handhold it really does help and I’m taking everyone’s messages in my stride!

Why are you upset? That you’re no longer in a relationship with him? Or that you stayed for a year with him?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 14:33

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 14:24

Had therapy, feeling really upset. Need to ride out the emotion and get myself ready and looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks everyone for the handhold it really does help and I’m taking everyone’s messages in my stride!

I’m sorry to keep asking this OP, but have you blocked him? As the fact that you’re not responding to that question (nit that you owe us anything) rather indicates that you haven’t. Which is a bit worrying.

Sa11yCinnamon · 09/10/2025 14:40

I know this thread is 25 pages but I'm chiming in because I don't think you can have too many people telling you to stay strong, his behaviour is classic abuser. Have a wonderful weekend and you will be absolutely fine without him - better even xx

KillMeMounjaro · 09/10/2025 14:46

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 14:33

I’m sorry to keep asking this OP, but have you blocked him? As the fact that you’re not responding to that question (nit that you owe us anything) rather indicates that you haven’t. Which is a bit worrying.

Show quote history

I was going to post similar.
OP needs to block and move on. He'll spoil her holiday otherwise and wheedle his way back in.

And if she's choosing not to block she's probably not really intending to cut him off after all. 🙁

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 14:47

KillMeMounjaro · 09/10/2025 14:46

I was going to post similar.
OP needs to block and move on. He'll spoil her holiday otherwise and wheedle his way back in.

And if she's choosing not to block she's probably not really intending to cut him off after all. 🙁

Show quote history

Exactly

Clarissaclaire · 09/10/2025 14:51

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 14:33

I’m sorry to keep asking this OP, but have you blocked him? As the fact that you’re not responding to that question (nit that you owe us anything) rather indicates that you haven’t. Which is a bit worrying.

Show quote history

For some it’s not as easy as ‘just blocking’ or walking away from someone who you have developed a huge emotional attachment to. OP is possibly already on an emotional hook or in a psychological straitjacket of her boyfriend’s making. Logically she knows it’s all wrong but she may not have the wherewithal to be the one who completely breaks off.
This is seen time and again with women who are abused and/or beaten up by their partners, they just can’t cut the ties and escape.
OP I send you my heart felt best.

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 14:53

Why was the op already in therapy? Was it to do with this relationship anyway?

Burntt · 09/10/2025 14:57

Stay strong op. He’s showing his true colours. You are better off without him. Have a fab weekend!

AngelicKaty · 09/10/2025 15:00

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 14:24

Had therapy, feeling really upset. Need to ride out the emotion and get myself ready and looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks everyone for the handhold it really does help and I’m taking everyone’s messages in my stride!

I'm sorry your therapy session has left you feeling this way OP, but you will recover from these feelings (they are temporary and will ease) and a great antidote is spending a long weekend with women you love, and who love you.
You've told us that this isn't the first time your ex-bf has called you names like "skank", "dirty whore" and "hideous" - leaving aside, for the moment, that you've remained in a relationship with him in spite of his previous appalling behaviour, have you told these women you love how he has treated you? That he uses this sort of vile, unjustified language towards you? If you haven't already, please do so. Do not maintain the veneer of him being a man who cares about you - you know he doesn't and they should know too (and I'm certain they will give you the same advice we are - LTB!!!).
I can honestly say, if any man had EVER used just one of those words towards me he would live to regret it. You've mentioned you have low self-esteem OP and I can tell you, in the same way that your sense of worth can be chipped away at and diminished bit by bit, it can also be elevated in increments too. Your first incremental improvement can be now - say to yourself, repeatedly, "I am worth more, you are not good enough for me". Keep saying it until you believe it. If you can't respect yourself OP, why would anyone else? Start showing people today - and specifically your worthless, vile, manipulative ex-bf - that you are not a woman to be messed with! 💪
Have a wonderful weekend OP! ❤️

SuffolkSun · 09/10/2025 15:08

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 14:24

Had therapy, feeling really upset. Need to ride out the emotion and get myself ready and looking forward to this weekend.

Thanks everyone for the handhold it really does help and I’m taking everyone’s messages in my stride!

@Thatisthatthen I think feeling upset in (early) therapy is entirely to be expected. To use a very clumsy metaphor, it's like fixing your knee wound when you've fallen hard on gravel. Digging to get the gravel out hurts. When you've got the gravel out it's messy, still painful, but healing. And then, when it's healed there might be a scar but it doesn't hurt and you've moved on.

Throw something at the wall this afternoon, then finish your packing. And have a wonderful trip.