Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

Before blocking him, I would want to state in very clear terms who I am. I might reply and say: I am going on holiday with my female friends. I never have been and never would be unfaithful to you or any partner. Everything that has so upset you was in your head, not real. But since you split up with me, accused me of being unfaithful, called me names, I am glad this relationship has come to an end, as I have seen that you don't trust me and have a really ugly temper that can come out of nowhere. I agree with your decision that we should split up but want to make it clear this is due to your appalling behaviour, and not anything you have wrongly accused me of.

I was with a man like this for 10 years and was young and foolish enough to marry him and have a DC. The control started just like this and it never improved, no matter how much I appeased him, until I had no say in what I ate, or wore, or spent, where I went and who I spoke to. Don’t let him back, this controlling behaviour, disguised as love, will take over every part of your life. I’ve been free of him and happily married to a wonderful man for many years now but I know from my DC that his pattern of behaviour with women has never changed.

Take this opportunity to get out now. Don’t be me.

He thought his tactics would result in you cancelling the holiday and is tantrumming that you didn't. His plan backfired. What an awful, abusive man. I feel sorry for his future girlfriends

I hope you have a lovely weekend away OP and celebrate being rid of this controlling abusive arsehole.

Have a fabulous weekend and you can pack more as you have less luggage 😉

It’s pretty scary to think the OP is raising children, possibly girls, and seems to have absolutely no self respect or idea of what co stories a healthy relationship

Good job on not giving in to the control tactics. I'd strongly recommend blocking as he won't stop. He'll try all his methods of getting you under control and some of them will look a little like he is apologising (but without him actually saying he was wrong or learning anything). You might end up taken in by the nice bits and it's harder to break away a second time. You've had a lucky escape here, thnk your stars, block him and make sure you get some support in making better choices in future. Guys who call you a skank are not the ones you want!

Oh OP, I'm sorry you've had to find this out about him, but he's crossed the line into being an abuser and your life will be SO much better without him in it. He's being absolutely vile. Hope you have a lovely holiday without this waste of space dragging you down!

Clearly you’ve not read any of the thread or the OPs following posts.

Beware - It's quite possible you'll get a last-minute attempt to derail it, to grab back the control he realises he's lost - 'my mental health has collapsed ... I'm going to harm myself ... I've done it ... '

They do this. Threatening self harm is a very well identified coercive control tactic, designed to frighten and load a sense of responsibility onto the victim, who feels they have no alternative but to comply - because otherwise whatever happens will be their fault.

I used to deliver vulnerable customers training and the overwhelming message is, it's not your amateur responsibility to assess whether he's telling the truth, or to support someone else's issues.

If he tries this tactic, he needs professional help - the police, who will do what's necessary to assess and deal. Have the number / email / report form in your phone so you can report it and hand it to the pros. It's Not. Your. Problem.

Please tell us when you're on your way! 🤗 We'll cheer you and the girls on.

When people are so paranoid, it's because they're doing themselves whatever they're accusing you of!
It's a control and diversion technique.
Get out of that relationship before you're too deep into it, and lose sight of his manipulation!
We all deserve a healthy, positive, and trusting relationship. Jealousy isn't a sign of love.
All the best to you, and enjoy your girls weekend!

This won't be the last you here from him. This was just a tactic to get you to say you won't go. He will be gutted and begging for you back after this holiday.

DO NOT GO BACK.

You do not need this stress in your life.

Go on this holiday, have a wonderful time with people and confide in your girlfriends about all this shit, they will help you see you don't need him and also hold you accountable for not letting him back in.

If he doesn't trust you - what is the point anyway?? This isn't a way to live.

I was in a relationship like this once - trust me, freedom is wonderful.

That's a bit unfair. She's probably been worn down and taught to doubt herself by her upbringing and/or previous relationships. She said she's getting therapy, and she's got enough insight to clock a pattern of abusive behaviour emerging with this bloke and ask for help. For every woman who posts here asking for help, there are hundreds who don't and who would just give in. Abusive men rarely show their true colours from the off, otherwise nobody would get together with them. They love bomb and charm - very effective on women who are vulnerable (eg single mums struggling to hold it together) lonely or haven't experienced much love and affectation, none of which is their fault. It happens to intelligent, professional women too - women who can "boss lady" like the best of them in the workplace, and who have plenty of professional self respect, but who have self doubt about whether they are worthy of loving, decent treatment in personal relationships.

My DD is trapped in similar, it's horrific. No DC though and she's only young but wont leave.

I think that would be pointless TBH and only anger him further which could put OP in danger. I think you're assuming that the lunatic would listen to reason or even care about what OP thinks....he doesn't and never will. Her priority MUST be to keep herself and her DC safe and away from him.

You don't seem to realise how AWFUL this man is. You need to block him, forget about him, never see him again! The fact that you talk about insecurities means that you do not understand how dangerous a man like this can be, and what a horrible life you would have if you stayed with him. RUN. Enjoy your holiday, but block him first.

Sorry if already been suggested, but ring doorbell and consider changing locks if there is any chance he has had access to a spare key? He knows you're away this weekend, he also could show up at 2am before your flight in a last ditch attempt to persuade you to stay (sounds dramatic, but not outside the realms of possibility). Could you stay with a friend the night before you go? Please also share with your friends or people that you trust about his behaviour.
I hope you have a great weekend away.

What a nasty, controlling weirdo he is, glad you're free of him OP!

You dodged a bullet there! Just reading what he said in your OP drained me! Be grateful you've seen his true colours - run for the hills.

I have

this man has been been suspicious and needy right from the start. According to the…. OP

im disappointed I haven’t had the regular healthy response of “have a great time!”. It’s ok to have insecurities...

OP, I'm a bit worried that you haven't registered just how dangerous a man like this can be. What you are framing as "insecurity" is something much more sinister, and things can get a whole lot worse. Please take care.

He is manipulating you. Tell him farewell and go on your trip.
A year in a relationship and he is trying to guilt trip you and control what you do.
Be wise and let him go.

I hope you've blocked him OP?

Fabulous. You can actually enjoy your weekend away now. Block the twat.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you.
He will only become more controlling, you need to dump him now.