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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has split up with me because

841 replies

Thatisthatthen · 08/10/2025 17:23

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

OP posts:
Kneeboobs · 09/10/2025 06:31

He is a manipulative little boy who hasn't grown up, he's expecting you to cancel your trip and go grovelling back.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/10/2025 06:34

SalonDesRefuses · 09/10/2025 00:27

But ignoring texts won't provoke anger? Why should OP be scared every time her phone goes?

She needs to report his threats and block for her own mental health. If he continues to try and contact her then she can report to police.

She should NOT be acting like some sort of make shift therapist for a man who is making her miserable.

I don't agree with your advice at all. Where does it end? Whenever he decides to finally leave her alone and she's a nervous wreck?

Show quote history

The advice not to block is because

(a) if this guy loses his shit and says he's coming over whether she likes it or not, she'll know before he arrives and can call the police and

(b) If he keeps contacting her after she has told him it's over, she's got evidence that he is harassing her and won't leave her alone.

That's what has been said on other threads by people who work in the domestic violence field.

Personally, I would find blocking and not knowing whether he was still obsessed and wondering if he might suddenly be banging on the door much more stressful than seeing and logging the texts, but that's just me.

pictoosh · 09/10/2025 06:46

You shouldn't have to wade through this shit in order to live your life and do normal things.

12 months you say? Almost worth it for the wisdom. Don't lose another year to this man. He's an absolute headfuck.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 09/10/2025 06:47

Oh Gosh, what a pathetic asshole. Do you have so little self-esteem as to put up with this?? Run for the hills, and block him before you run.

Madformaltesers · 09/10/2025 07:04

Don't block, you will need heads up in case he decides to turn up in person and you need to call the police. Dont engage at all, turn off the ‘read’ function on your phone so he doesnt know you have seen the messages.
Ring 101 advise them of the threats to you, it will just go on file but you will have a crime number, keep the texts, police take malicious communication seriously nowadays, you might need them.
Enjoy your weekend away and never take him back despite everything he might say..

sugarapplelane · 09/10/2025 07:08

You’ve only been together for 12 months so I guess you have no ties or anything.

Therefore just dump his arse. Tell him you never want to see him again and then report the pathetic little man to the police for threatening behaviour.

Catwalking · 09/10/2025 07:12

“letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend”…says more about what BF would ‘get up to’, is my honest opinion, & as a result you’re defo best off without this person in your life.
Have a wonderful holiday 😊.

StrawberryRose16 · 09/10/2025 07:28

Trying to control you. Run. Enjoy your weekend away with friends anyone that loves you wants what’s best for you and for you to enjoy life and be the best version of yourself. Completely gaslighting the situation. Cut ties

ForNoisyCat · 09/10/2025 07:32

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 08/10/2025 21:10

Wow!!! The amount of red flags I could count……..he has done you a massive favour!

Thank your lucky stars & pls toast this loser taking himself out of your life.

Pls do one thing & block him COMPLETELY.

Do not give this poor excuse of a man anymore of you. He will suck the life out of you once he has isolated you from everyone. You will end up walking on eggshells for the rest of your life trying to keep this insecure needy twat happy.

Learn a massive life lesson about such men and do not look back.

If he continues to find ways to contact you after you have blocked him you need to report him.

Just one quick question when he dumped you by text did you respond to say ok or anything? I ask only so he knows you agree to the breakup. If you didn’t then do that and tell him never to contact you ever & just block block block.

It’s only to ensure he gets the message and then he can’t ever say she never broke up with me and that’s why I have persisted in continuing to contact her. You never know with these type of insecure fools.

Do make sure someone keeps an eye on where you live if you live alone and I hope he doesn’t have a key because otherwise you will need to change your locks.

Now go be happy, enjoy your girls weekend and don’t look back!!!!

Show quote history

Agree! You have to be so clear with done men. Getting them out of your life can be like trying to get chewing gum off your shoe!! One message, total clarity that’s it’s over between you, and don’t ever look back. Have lots of fab holidays too.

TiredofTheirCrap · 09/10/2025 07:33

The trash has taken itself out. Let him go.

DramaLlamacchiato · 09/10/2025 07:37

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/10/2025 03:25

@Thatisthatthen You treat every suicide threat as if it is real, by calling the police and reporting it, and asking them to do a welfare check.

That is all you do. Nothing more, no further contact.

This way - if he is genuine, you've done the rational, sensible thing. If he does actually top himself (and sorry folks but some people do use threats of suicide as emotional abuse and control tools and will still actually kill themselves too eventually!), you've done what you needed to do, you are not responsible in any way whatsoever.

If he is not genuine, you have a record of him repeatedly doing this and you repeatedly directing appropriate help his way, which may be useful evidence later on down the line.

And? Even if he did kill himself, so what? It’s on him.

CalmLemonCrab · 09/10/2025 07:40

Hey. If this isn’t coercive control yet, his behaviour will become it in the future. It will only get worse. He is trying to manipulate and control you. Please, please, please walk away - you deserve so much better.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/#:~:text=Coercive%20control%20is%20an%20act,the%20heart%20of%20domestic%20abuse.

TheaBrandt1 · 09/10/2025 07:46

Even if he did do this imagine explaining that - he died because his girlfriend went on a girls trip?! No one would blame you they would think he had severe mental health issues

MyPeppyCat · 09/10/2025 07:50

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/10/2025 06:34

The advice not to block is because

(a) if this guy loses his shit and says he's coming over whether she likes it or not, she'll know before he arrives and can call the police and

(b) If he keeps contacting her after she has told him it's over, she's got evidence that he is harassing her and won't leave her alone.

That's what has been said on other threads by people who work in the domestic violence field.

Personally, I would find blocking and not knowing whether he was still obsessed and wondering if he might suddenly be banging on the door much more stressful than seeing and logging the texts, but that's just me.

Show quote history

Slightly off piste but hopefully helpful. If he's using WhatsApp to harass the OP, a middle ground between the block/unblock conundrum could be to lock the chat. Click on the chat so it highlights it, and select Lock Chat from the three dots (top right) This puts it into a password-protected area in WA. Messages still arrive and can be responded to, but instead of being constantly alerted to them, they remain hidden until you choose to.check them. I only learnt this recently but it's been a great way of not being constantly alerted to (or stressed by) messages in busier chats. Good luck OP, and as everyone has said, do not go.back.

PS. Obvs not relevant if the texts are not WA ones. No idea if you can do something similar with other methods, other than to.turn off the 'Read' function.

BritishFakeOff · 09/10/2025 07:51

You don't need this crap in your life. If I told my DH I was going on a girlie family weekend he would be delighted for me, and tell me to have a great time.

He's got anxiety and stress because you are going away? He is manipulative, and a weight around your neck.

He has done you a favour. Like another poster said, the trash has taken itself out.

All you need to do is tell yourself that you have had a lucky escape, go pack your suitcase and have ZERO things to worry about whilst you are away, cancel your weekend away, and crack open a Haagen Dazs Belgium chocolate ice cream tub and chill.

Look, if you marry someone like him, you will end up depressed, broke, and have him forever in your life if you have kids with him. Don't waste your time on dickheads. Go find yourself a kind, supportive man and have yourself a stress free life.

WatchingTheDetective · 09/10/2025 07:52

I'm so glad this awful relationship has ended. Have a great holiday with your friends and think twice before you date someone in the future. The red flags were hanging all around this one.

Original poster
Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 08:00

Morning everyone

thank you again for the support it really does mean the world. I need to stay strong.. which I think I can.

looking forward to my trip tomorrow. Me cancelling was and never would be an option when it comes to a man.

im disappointed I haven’t had the regular healthy response of “have a great time!”. It’s ok to have insecurities.. he has been away before and of course I felt a little uneasy in parts being in a new relationship at the time but I kept them to myself, regulated myself because they were MY thoughts and feelings and wished him a great time. He has spoken to me about his insecurities on the lead up to this and I’ve done my best to hear and validate him.

not sure the point of this update, just some feelings being written down I guess so thanks for reading!

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 09/10/2025 08:06

He's not insecure, he just knows that 'insecurity' is a great way to control a woman. When that didn't work, he did the 'fake dumping you' where you are meant to ditch your friends to be with him, and then he brought out the anger and hatred.

He'll now start cycling between love and hate, trying desperately to bring you back into line.

I hope you have now blocked him everywhere, because otherwise he will be messing with your head on a holiday you should be enjoying.

I also guarantee he's been cheating, and eventually you will hear about it. We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are, as the saying sort of goes.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 09/10/2025 08:09

Thatisthatthen · 09/10/2025 08:00

Morning everyone

thank you again for the support it really does mean the world. I need to stay strong.. which I think I can.

looking forward to my trip tomorrow. Me cancelling was and never would be an option when it comes to a man.

im disappointed I haven’t had the regular healthy response of “have a great time!”. It’s ok to have insecurities.. he has been away before and of course I felt a little uneasy in parts being in a new relationship at the time but I kept them to myself, regulated myself because they were MY thoughts and feelings and wished him a great time. He has spoken to me about his insecurities on the lead up to this and I’ve done my best to hear and validate him.

not sure the point of this update, just some feelings being written down I guess so thanks for reading!

Have you blocked him? If you haven’t, you really need to. Be done.

PruthePrune · 09/10/2025 08:10

Block him on everything, breathe a sigh of relief, forget about him and have a fabulous trip.

Pezdeoro41 · 09/10/2025 08:13

Just to add my support also, well done for ending it, I was in a relationship like this and I only wish I'd done so earlier!) blocking probably would be a good move. Enjoy your sunshine and sangria with the women who love you - nothing better than that!

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 09/10/2025 08:15

He's not insecure!!!!

He hates women!

StarlightLady · 09/10/2025 08:17

OP, l have read your updates. You are so well out of this. If you stay together he will become more controlling in time.

His objective is to stay with you and prevent you going away. Enjoy you holiday and do what you want to do when away. ❤️

Nothing and nobody to think of now except you.

Bloozie · 09/10/2025 08:18

I mean he did you a favour. If he's this suspicious, needy and controlling after a year, RUN.

Have a lovely weekend.

Lolopolo · 09/10/2025 08:18

OP, please be strong and never have anything to do with this man ever again. He is showing such strong abusive and psychopathic tendencies. He’s dangerous and I would gracefully withdraw and firmly end it. If he continues to harass you I would report him.

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