Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

Lol what is it with girls only holidays or men only christ glad I don't I have this issue

I hear what you you are saying but, this is a boyfriend, who is not physically abusive, definitely controlling and OP seems to have degrees of separation from them to safely just exit on his behaviour.

If you can safely get away, then you should. As she is doing. There is absolutely no need for her to entertain abusive messages or guilt because she is away, which is what may happen.

I would agree with blocking here.

Jeez, get rid!

Block and ignore, don’t engage in any way.

I would message him that
He obviously doesn’t trust you so the relationship is over. But considering the texts he has sent I would be recommending him to see a therapists He is sounding unhinged

I'm sorry you're hurting 🤗

but bloody hell, can you at least see what a gaslighting. Manipulative. Twat of a prick he is?

is that enough name calling & accusations & lying for you to be sure he's not 'the one'

it's massively disappointing he's not who you thought he was, But hopefully it's pushed it into the 'never getting back together' box for you.

This sop will still be hanging around when you get back from your weekend away.

Make sure he knows that he's been dumped and you expect zero contact.

He is absolutely trying to control you and trying to stop you going. Definitely. If he can't manage that then spoiling your weekend and making you anxious is the next best hope he has.

He has problems.

I actually completely understand people having concerns over holidays like this, going away for lads or lassies weekends often raises concerns in absolutely normal relationships. It is absolutely natural to have concerns and absolutely normal - though you'll be told on here that everyone is completely free to do anything at all no matter their relationship status and anyone who has natural jealous thoughts or worries is a maniac who deserves to die alone - which is utter and total nonsense of course.

But a chat to discuss it all should have been enough for him. He is waaayyy beyond just a few concerns and needing a bit of resassurance.

There are more red flags than a bull ring here. Please - no matter what he says now and he will probably back down and try to guilt you into staying - please, please please do not stay with this man and especially do not let him near your kids.

You are so lucky that he has given you a glimpse of who he is and that you can break up with confidence.

He's a nutter. I wouldn't reply to him further, he just wants to drag out the drama. Can I please suggest you change the locks if he has a key or has ever had a key? He worries me. A locksmith can rekey the locks (change the barrel) relatively cheaply).

This is so sad. I know what it's like to be invested in a relationship and then realise it's not what you thought it was. I wish I'd had the hive support of MN to boost me the way you have been @Thatisthatthen

Well done you for spotting this as a possible red flag, posting it and then acting on the excellent advice of previous posters.

Good grief.... Don't justify yourself to him. It's not your job to bandaid his ego by making yourself small. If you must respond, do the thumb's up. I still think calling the police and requesting a welfare check would ensure he knows you're serious about wanting to be left alone and will stop the harrassment.

@Thatisthatthen You treat every suicide threat as if it is real, by calling the police and reporting it, and asking them to do a welfare check.

That is all you do. Nothing more, no further contact.

This way - if he is genuine, you've done the rational, sensible thing. If he does actually top himself (and sorry folks but some people do use threats of suicide as emotional abuse and control tools and will still actually kill themselves too eventually!), you've done what you needed to do, you are not responsible in any way whatsoever.

If he is not genuine, you have a record of him repeatedly doing this and you repeatedly directing appropriate help his way, which may be useful evidence later on down the line.

He sounds quite scary.

He is playing out the script of an abusive controlling man, to the letter.

You've absolutely done the right thing in leaving, but please don't underestimate how dangerous he could be.

It's exactly men like him who are violent. Hopefully he's just a needy abusive prick and not a violent abusive prick but at the moment there is no way of telling as he's acting exactly like the kind of man who gets violent.

Some men call women whores etc and convince themselves the woman has cheated as a precursor to violence - so they can convince themselves they're justified in attacking her.

I don't mean to alarm you, but you need to protect yourself just in case. I would suggest the following:

1. Change your locks
2. Get a ring doorbell if you don't already have one
3. Tell the police about the suicide threats
4. Reply one more time, telling him clearly to stop contacting you. If he continues contacting you after, it's harassment. Tell the police if he continues to contact you, as to speak to their domestic violence officer if possible and include the awful things he's said and done.
5. Tell someone in real life what's happened.
6. Do a Claire's Law request.

Well.dome for getting out. You've just saved yourself years of heartache, abuse and bring isolated from the people you care about.

Yup this is my ex’s playbook, exactly the same. Please note it took the police to get rid of him in the end and he stalked me (and he became physically abusive). Get rid asap.

He sounds crazy. Did you ever do a Clare’s Law check on him to see if he has a history of DV?
Anyway, it sounds like the trash has taken itself out with this one. Go, have fun on the girls weekend. And remember the age old trick with the next guy…
You put his name in your phone, and everytime he shows a pink flag, you remove a letter from his name. Clearly, you can’t just have a phone number without a name so when it’s time to remove the last letter, you delete his number and block, because he’s not a good egg.

I agree with this. It would definitely be worth a Clare's Law request as the chances of this being his first rodeo with this shite is slim.

Do you have any security at home @Thatisthatthen ? Ring style doorbell or a camera ? It might be money well spent.

Contra my previous advice, don't block him. Give him rope and let him hang himself. You have more chance of him leaving you alone, properly alone if he has escalated to the point the Police have had to have a word with him.

It's very important that you tell him by text to leave you alone. You are done. Anything after that is harassment.

He has no emotional control.

You have had some great advice on here OP. You do need to keep a trail of his abuse. I imagine it will be ramped us as you approach the trip and tenfold whilst you are away. Keep the evidence and report to the police.

Please just block him. You've had a lucky escape. I know it's horrible but try to count yourself lucky it was only a year of your life.

Hope you are ok @Thatisthatthen

It has certainly escalated when he realized you weren't just going to capitulate and not go on your holiday.

Please speak to Women's Aid. They will offer great advice. They may advise you to clearly communicate with him that he should not contact you again and that if he does you will deem it as harassment and will contact the police

OP block ignore, have absolutely nothing more to do with him. He’s shown you exactly who he is.
I hate saying this, but perhaps go stay with one of your pals before your trip. Probably over cautious but he’s obviously a nutter so it might be wise to not be where he expects you to be for the next few days.

The word 'disrespectful' coming from a man in these sorts of circumstances is a very large red flag to me.

He's showing you who he really is.

Please say you never had him around your children op?