Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

I really hope you've blocked him now.
He may not have succeeded in stopping your trip, but he'll sure as hell ensure you don't enjoy it.
By keeping this line of communication open, you're also leaving room for him to weave his way back in. This is not the first time he's been disrespectful and you've carried on the relationship.
Cut him off.

He won't hurt himself Op, he just wants to ruin any enjoyment you'd get from your time away, he wants you to fret and worry because then you'd still be thinking of him. People like him are sad and inadequate, he needs someone else to give him value so he can't cope with a woman who doesn't need him 24/7 365 days of the year. He'll never get better so you need to get away and block him everywhere, whatever made him like this is something you didn't cause and you can't cure

I know people are suggesting this with good intentions but it is bad advice. Don’t block abusive men.

This a classic sign of an abuser. I’ve read your replies to other messages too and it just gets worse. Please do not be with this man. Do not move in with him, do not marry him, do not have a baby with him. Run for your life!

Oh the classic playbook, how predictable

Shame he can’t have some sort of tattoo on his forehead to warn other women that he’s a damaged weirdo not capable of a functioning relationship?

Best 2 words on this followed by

“Lucky escape”

Is the advice to absorb the abuse until they wear themselves out?

Don't engage at all. Just block and move on. There is absolutely no need to speak to him again.
Enjoy your holiday

I’ve been in your situation. He’s controlling you. Tell him to do one. And don’t look back.

I wouldn't bother, he's being a dick

Just delete texts as they arrive or send them to junk. Don’t respond. Don’t engage. But don’t block. Blocking can provoke anger or obsession in someone who’s already unstable. Blocking can feel like rejection or punishment, which might make them try harder to get your attention or even show up in person. It also cuts off your ability to see what they’re doing, which can make you less safe. It’s about minimising risk of escalation, whilst also continuing to get a sense of whether their behaviour is ramping up or calming down.

He's controlling and a knob. Dump him.

And how old is he? Hes childish, pathetic and you have no future with such a plonker, he is seeking to possess and control you. End this relationship . Change your number, block him and completely finish with him, you've got trouble here.

Both. DH had a stalker situation, and I told him he should never hesitate in reporting each and every one of her suicide threats to the police. DH is not a mental health professional, so it wasn’t his place to decide what was and wasn’t a credible threat. So he did report all of it, each and every time and all the other shit she pulled. He had an open case on 101 he could keep updating with new info. When it escalated and court intervention was required, he had a full record of incidents as proof. The police did do welfare checks too - important if he’s genuinely suicidal, a warning to him that he’s on the police radar if he’s using suicidal threats to coerce you.

Edit to add: DH’s stalker came about through his work. So it was important that he covered his back with this person from a professional point of view, rather than just ignore it or try to handle it himself.

Ugh. Just get rid OP.
One of my long time friends is saddled with a similar loser. When we went to Ibiza for our 40ths, he made such a fuss, asking things like would she wear a bikini, revealing clothes etc. It was all so pathetic. They were on the phone the entire time, him basically monopolizing her time with us.
One day she pretended to be hungover when in fact all she did was talk to him in the hotel room whilst we had fun by the pool. When she wasn’t on the phone with him, he harassed my husband, dropping by our house, asking him if he knew what we were up to blah blah. Absolute psycho.
She’s still with him BTW and he’s still a loser. They won’t holiday in Turkey or Egypt because ‘all the waiters hit on women - especially blonde women.’ I love my friend but there’s no young Turk or Egyptian guy who is going to hit on an average looking middle aged blonde who has Ozempic skin (of course she’s on it because he calls her fat).
I sound cruel but their entire relationship is based on these invisible men who may possibly fancy her and to save her from this threat she has to follow his rules. This apparently is love.
After years of this, we still love her but avoid him like the plague. He’s ruined numerous girl holidays and nights out and we’re so exhausted no one says anything anymore because he’s the love of her life. Fair play.
Oh and he’s cheated on her but she ‘made him do it’.

You have realised this man is an absolute nutter?

A controlling, manipulative, abusive, misogynist wacko?

You were supposed to cancel your holiday and run after him pleading with him to forgive you and take you back. That did not go according to plan and his control slipped, hence the tantrums.

Do not get into wrangling 'oh yes you did oh no I didn't' back and forth conversations.

He will see and present his own versions of what did or didn't happen and will make up more scenarios in his head and twist you into a pretzel trying to make sense of it - if you let him.

You are not responsible for his mental health issues. He is.

Take a screenshots of every single one of his unhinged messages.

Send him a final clear polite message like

"Hello X. After a great deal of thought I have concluded that I do not wish to hear from or see you again. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way, visit or approach me, my home or my work. I wish you all the best for the future".

Don't answer any replies.

Block everywhere.

You've been with him a year. That's 365-ish days, nothing, really.

Be wary, be alert, be careful.

Move on, have fun, enjoy your trip and take your mind off him.

But ignoring texts won't provoke anger? Why should OP be scared every time her phone goes?

She needs to report his threats and block for her own mental health. If he continues to try and contact her then she can report to police.

She should NOT be acting like some sort of make shift therapist for a man who is making her miserable.

I don't agree with your advice at all. Where does it end? Whenever he decides to finally leave her alone and she's a nervous wreck?

A lot of us are speaking from experience, please. You'll have a horrible life if you stay with him. Just being disbelieved is bad enough and add into that being isolated from your friends and family. But often once they have you thoroughly alone, the physical violence will start

You mentioned you have kids. Please warn whoever is looking after them while you are away that this nut job is not to have any contact with them.

All of this.

I mentioned upthread about my friend and her boyfriend who did this. She didn't cancel the holiday but he sulked about it.

He was rude to her friends and when we went out in a group at Christmas he got out of paying his share. I knew he was a plonker but he became a total whacko sulking when she didn't want sex and saying mean things. I didn't know about it until she dumped him because he lamped her one for daring to have a conversation with a male neighbour at the bar when they were out.

We all thought he was a weirdo but not that it had escalated like that. Then all sorts of grovelling as he tried to weasel and worm his way back.

Same here - behaviour is very very very similar to that of another poster's partner - she had found out he had previous convictions under Clare's Law. Please do consider it OP.

Have a look at this on coercive control:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Stop answering the phone to him. Let it go to voice mail - then keep any recorded message.

What you've told us already should be reported to the police - the attempts at coercive control, the abusive insulting language, and any threats to self harm.

Get a police report reference number so should his behaviour escalate, you will have records.

On using suicide threats as an attempt to control:

https://shadowsofcontrol.com/in-the-news/suicide-threats/

Beware a sudden crisis, a breakdown, a claim that he's done something silly just before you're due to go. They do this.

Tell your friends what's happened and ask their support.

Are you okay OP?