Boyfriend has split up with me because

[Thatisthatthen]

I am going on an all girls family holiday this weekend for a long weekend abroad. It’s been planned for months and we have been together for a year.

he has always had trust issues and he has always been insecure. He said this weekend is going to be the end of him and he has been very physically unwell this week in what he thinks is anxiety and stress induced.

He called me this afternoon and said, I’d rather be single with my head held high and walk away letting you carry on with what you are inevitably going to be doing this weekend, or I could stay with you never knowing the truth knowing you have lied to me.

i have never been unfaithful to him. He has made mountains out of molehills before over nothing and seems to use these as reasons not to trust but I just need a hand hold. Have been totally blind sided - I even booked us a weekend trip away in the coming weeks last night.

No I wouldn't do this. You don't know how he'd react and you don't want him showing up at your house whilst you're away.

Just don't engage, block the fool and have a wonderful time away.

Both.

Most suicide threats in a case like this will be a cry for attention / am attempt to control.

By responding to it, you're showing that you still care, and that you'll do what you want to stop them hurting themselves.

By contacting the police, you're making sure they get the help they need in the evening they are trying to kill themselves, while also showing that you won't bend to their will, and won't be controlled by their actions. Plus, if they're lying, it's fucking embarrassing for them to have an ambulance and a bunch of paramedics show up.

Contacting their parents to deliver with it generally has much the same effect. I'd recommend doing both.

He's done you a favour. Don't take him back when he contacts you after the trip to try to get you back.

How old is this absolute charmer? He's acting 15.

Please don't allow him to worm his way back.

DO NOT back out of the holiday and also VERY DO NOT keep replying to him. He's shown massive red flags and his neediness WILL escalate. Every time you reply you're showing him that he is still occupying your attention while you craft the perfect response/ explanation/ apology/ give in/ etc whatever he is trying to get you to say by keep messaging/ calling you.

I hope you have a fab time on your holiday with people who do value you and don't want to keep a lid on you.

Stop answering.
Let your phone ring & ring & ring until it goes to voicemail.
If he texts & calls you dirty names - don’t reply.
If he texts something goady & you want to REALLY make him mad, text back “ok” over & over again. lol

Apologies if it’s already been suggested but I’d seriously think about a Clare’s Law request with this one. I’d also consider reporting his escalating behaviour via 101.

Don’t engage any further.

Because threatening suicide is a tactic to make you run back to him. If you call the police and report your concerns, they will do a welfare check which will stop him doing it again

Threatening suicide is absolutely a form of control, don't fall for it. If he is genuinely suicidal then emergency services are far more well equipped to deal with it than you are

I was wondering if he had previous form for this behaviour. Clare's law a good call.

Threatening suicide is absolute textbook stuff from the Handbook of Coercive Control, which all of these pricks seem have read at some point.

Just seen how he's escalated since. Definitely stop responding to him now. If you have to deal with him for things such as getting his stuff back, look up "grey rock" technique. Keep conversation neutral, boring and about the matter at hand, don't engage with any BS.

Example:
Twat: You've still got my TV/rock collection/favourite trainers and I want them back asap. I bet you've moved on already haven't you? Probably got his stuff in your house now

You: Your stuff is here in the porch. You can come and collect it on Monday at 11am.

Twat: Come on, admit it, there was someone else, wasn't there?

You: Your stuff will be ready for you to collect on Monday at 11am. Please confirm if you can collect it.

Don't engage with him, just block him already on all media

Dear god.... this guy is an absolute prize specimen !! He's coercive, manipulative, vicious, gaslighting, abusive and to top it all he's pathetic. But OP, this kind can get dangerous. The only message you should send him is to tell him to stop harassing you or you'll go to the police. AND DO IT !! Please be careful when you get back. Don't for one second think about taking him back. Tell family members about this. They need to have your back. And also..... have a FANTASTIC time this weekend. Put the bastard out of your head. BLOCK!!!!

Agreed.

Re the suicide threats, OP, the idea is that you take him at his word but are not responsible for his welfare.

Takes away their control. They want you to come running, not report it as a concern.

My Mum used to do it when she wasn't getting her way. My sister eventually called for emergency services and she never did it again, because none of us went to see her. She hadn't actually do anything by the way, she'd just pretend she had so we would panic and go and see her. The time my sister called them we let them deal with her. She pretended she had no idea what they were talking about!

Also creates a paper trail if he actually is suicidal (he's not), services can help him. Or on the flip side, it shows how he is using this to control you. You really can't go wrong with reporting it.

Send him on a screenshot of a helpline number if he needs it and then stop all contact.

Don’t engage any further he is not your problem. He is upping things now. Back away fast.

He sounds like a mentally unwell idiot. If he’s only your boyfriend and he’s acting this controlling and unstable just imagine what he’d do to you if you were married and living together. This is already abusive behaviour.

You’ve dodged a bullet. Block him and don’t look back.

Jesus. Block, delete, do NOT respond to his appalling manipulation. Above all, do NOT try to defend yourself or justify your perfectly reasonable actions. This is control and he's trying to see how far he can push you.

Have a lovely time away and please stay away from him.

Well this weekend away has done you a favour- showed you that you are in a relationship with an absolute scumbag who is controlling and also likes a bit of emotional blackmail.
you cannot go back to being with him surely?

A welfare check - you’re getting him the help without being drawn back in. Plus it will highlight his behaviour to them also. Don’t delete any messages he sends.

He is already ruining your holiday with these messages. Do not respond to him

He's done you a huge favour.

He's a monumental bellend at best, a controlling abuser at worst.

I can't add to much if the kind words and advice you've had, but please please do not take him back. You deserve far better than this.

If he maintains he hasn't broken up with you, perhaps a final message saying his behaviour has been inexcusable, that you're ending things and to not contact you again or you will report to the police.

Have a fabulous trip!