Women who are divorced… what was your final straw?

[ToughTimes88]

As the title says really?

Previous poster but name change for obvious reasons

Drink

dh ex soon as I’ve filed for divorce is an alcoholic and constant lies and hiding and buying /drinking booze

took me a long time but in the end I kicked him out as myself and our child deserves better

Years and years of living with a miserable, self centered man because ‘depression’ despite not doing no a single thing to help himself, me staying with him to keep him safe from suicide despite living a race to the bottom life. Trying desperately to work with him, doctors, functional health specialists, gut health specialists for years but realising this was how he identified and didn’t want to find any way to help himself. He couldn’t go to the tip without 48 hours notice as this job would be ‘sprung on him’ and of course it would be my job that I’d identified, not a family job that just needed doing. Repeat for every one of ‘my jobs’ on a daily basis. Not having sex for over ten years as I was overweight. Not being able to talk during watching tv to the extent we stopped watching tv together over five years ago and lived very seperate lives at home. Feeding the dog to keep him quiet whenever he asked for attention to the point the dog was overweight and in pain, not giving the dog his painkillers when I was away one weekend as he forgot despite me leaving them out and many reminders, reconnecting with a ex lover in secret for the most ridiculous reasons put forward when I found out, trying his luck with her, clearly didn’t work out and he is regretting some of these life choices now, 23 years of misery and pain and gaslighting and questioning myself because of his depression, alcohol, never sticking up for me when his family were cruel about me, not sticking up for our on when his family were cruel about him, ignoring our son and never having any time for him despite the fact he loved him dearly and tried to always find ways to get his attention, being emotionally unavailable, waking up every morning and declaring how bad the day ahead would be for him (CEO leading a company with over 100 poor people who also had to live with this self pity in a leader), me during another attempt to bring some gratitude and connection into our family life and organising some gentle therapy and him not being able to think of one single reason to be grateful for anything in his life when asked by the therapist, not a single thing. Going through two marriage guidance counselors who were apparently rubbish because they asked him if he thought his behaviour was unacceptable and perhaps childish. I could go on and on and on. But ultimately my dear friend, holding my hands, looking me in the eye and tell my me ‘it’s time’. And she was right, and I left and it’s painful but by god I’m relieved.

Sorry you asked for one defining thing - it was the intervention my friends held to point out to me the realities of my life!

He wanted kids. I was undecided as I was building my career and enjoying my life as it was. This was many years ago and I forget now what he actually did that made me see the light (probably another day spent golfing with his buddies or another call-out at work that he needed to be there to supervise (he didn't)).

When I realised that, if we did have kids together, I would be the one whose life would completely change and his would just go on, pretty much as normal, I knew that I had to end it. (He had already refused to do more cleaning etc as my career progressed and my workload increased. We got a cleaner to help out with the cleaning but I realised that the day-to-day labour involved in looking after kids wasn't going to be so easy to outsource and that, apart from doing 'fun dad' things, he wasn't someone that I was going to be able to rely upon for the day-to-day slog.)

OMG. How did you find that?

My god, this is truly awful. What a vile man. I'm so glad you took yourself and children away from him.

I was looking for the password for his credit report (part of our agreement after I discovered his gambling addiction was full financial transparency) and saw log in details for an email account I didn’t recognise.

Oh wow. That is horrendous. I mean it was good that you had evidence as to why it was over but what a horrible shock after so long together.

I’m so sorry.

Is it generally the case that men are less domesticated than women, less suited to family life, to living in a community where other people need to be considered? Because it certainly feels like it sometimes.

I'm here right now. I want to return to NI from England. Hubby will not go back there. I moved back here after the birth of our DD (now 12) to keep family together, and have regretted it since. Since had DS (7). He doesnt care that I am breaking and need to be back within throwing distance of my family - he won't budge. But he also knows that financially he cannot survive without me. I've broken myself financially, mentally and emotionally keeping a roof over our heads. He claims I don't do anything around the house (lies), how he talks to DC is shameful (and he knows it!) - says "don't be me, be better than me"... I am heartbroken. I do not want to give in again and stay here unhappy when I know myself and DC will be much happier near my family.

Just go home then, can you stay with family? Go on 'holiday' in the October half term and don't return.

Looking at the legalities, I can't - however much I want to...

To be fair, this is a Mumsnet thread about men who were so awful there were enough straws for there to be a last one that led to divorce. It's hardly representative. You're going to hear about some of the worst men in the country here by definition

@TheOchreHedgehog you can divorce him. Despite not being able to return home

I was wondering, did you have kids at the time? And if so, how did you & ex handle the split w them? I kinda feel similar - not total repulsion but definitely icky about sex - it’s so hard to explain that to someone… I hope it’s worked out well for you x

So sorry you are facing this! Since it sounds like you are financially independent, would you be happier moving out & having child split time? I don’t know legalities but would you spouse be open to that, if you’re not getting on?

Well I have started to feel that modern family life does not generally correspond to our wiring as human beings. Meaning biologically men & women have typically different needs, neither of which seem to be very fulfilled by living as small families away from other family support. And friend interaction on a daily basis. Compare city living for instance with tribal communities where women do mundane tasks together & can chat, have emotional & practical support w kids from other women. Ditto men for their roles. (Yes I know it’s generalising but you see what I mean).
In that respect I feel we’re really missing out with our typical modern lifestyles - I definitely feel lonely & I think my husband does too, despite both having friends we try to keep up with.

I've had 3 LTR.

1. We were having relationship counselling and he read my diary to try and catch me out (assumed I was having an affair - I wasn't). That was just kind of it for me really. I didn't want to get divorced but I just couldn't put what was needed into our relationship. I was sick of him.

2. We'd been having issues. Went to a recently divorced friends for New Year. Friend went to bed early. DP got smashed and fell asleep downstairs. Dropped me off at home the next day and that was the last time I saw him. Text me a month later, acting as if nothing was wrong. I replied saying it was over. At which point he had a nervous breakdown and decided I'd been the love of his life. As if.

3. Let his adult daughter interfere in our relationship one time too many. I tried to push through it but could no longer face shagging him. Which made it clear to me it was over.

When I found myself googling home cameras with the intention to set them up around the house so that they would record all of our conversations- that way when he gaslighted me and made me feel like I was going crazy about “something I definitely said” I would be able to prove to him that I was not the crazy person he was making me out to be.

I could - but it still doesn't help in the long run.
DD is in Y8. If I don't move soon, then I won't be able to move at all til she finishes school and before DS starts high school. Hence why my personal preference is that he comes with us and he gives it a chance. If at that point he decides he can't stay there, he's free to return to England - and my kids are already settled.

Long and the short of it is he does not want to be the one to end the relationship - he wants that on my shoulders.

I applaud you.

I helped my exh through a breakdown, financially supported him for years, did the house and kids stuff and worked full time. He changed, I got paranoid he was cheating but he denied it. he gaslit me and told me I needed to change my medication and that I was being 'weird'..lots of shouting. He swore on the kids lives he wasnt cheating.
I caught them both red handed. Filed for divorce the following day. Ow can keep the lying shit heads. Both awful people. Couldn't care less if he died.

His father shouting down the phone to him ‘you need to learn to control you wife son!’ And exdh agreeing

id posted on Facebook something about an accident, he’d hurt his finger at work - he hadn’t told his parents and they were annoyed

Financially supported him for years, not on a minimum wage at that time but I wasn't hugely well paid either. He looked down on my public sector job, despite that job being the only thing that kept us afloat. He went out chasing get rich quick schemes while barely hanging onto commission only sales jobs. Plus, he drank. I got back home to discover a cracked window, which I couldn't afford to get repaired. I realised I was just surviving, not living, and he was just dragging me down. I rang his work to tell him, and discovered he'd been sacked and hadn't bothered to tell me.